Complete List of Stories

Accountability  "You'd better have a good explanation for those spinning heads, young man, or there's going to be trouble!"
As Rome Burns  Everyone should visit the capital at least once in their life.  I mean, everyone has heard about the great roads, the awesome aqueducts, and the totally cool architecture, but you really have to see it to appreciate it.
At His Word  "Please have a seat, Mr. Ebola. This august body has convened to interview you for the position of Chief of the Immune System. For the record, I am Chairman SARS, and I will preside over the proceedings and ensure that no one drags any actual information out of you. The questioning will begin with Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob. Humorist?"
The Bell Defecation Amendment   The bell was what made that day so remarkable.  Not that any day a fox visits isn't memorable, but that old bell had hung from a pole in the chicken yard for as long as anyone could remember.  So long, in fact, that nobody really knew what it was there for, or took much notice of it, for that matter.
Bellying Up to the Trough Humongous Hog Heaven was the largest hog farm in the state.  Every day the farm hands loaded up the gigantic super extra large hog troughs with a cornucopia of redolent slops.  And 3000 grossly corpulent hogs showed their appreciation and good manners by bellying up and scarfing down.  Small matter that much of the banquet wound up on the ground.  The hogs weren't shy about groveling for their supper.  Anyway, there was always plenty more to come.
A Better World  The world is a better place without Joe Stalin.  I tell that to all the skeptics and nay-sayers.
The Big Bopper   I hope I will be excused for what may appear to be petulance, but I am sure I will have your           understanding when you have heard of my circumstances.  I was one of some seven people who engaged a light tourist      vessel for what was supposed to be a fun-filled escape from our busy workaday lives.  The excursion, which was           scheduled to last three days, was to be a leisurely tour of the fun spots between earth and the asteroid belt.  I now believe that I should have been suspicious when our pilot and tour leader introduced himself as "Doof."
The Big Bright Ball  As they marched back to the mound, laden with goodies for the Queen, the ants watched the Big Bright Ball in the sky.
Blockbuster Trade  The White House announced early today that it has traded the entire US judiciary for its Iranian counterpart.  The trade is seen as one that will benefit both sides.
The Boast of Heraldry, the Pomp of Power ...  Walter was a bit nervous as he entered the gates of Soowee.  It was the second biggest hog farm in the country, and the fastest growing by far.  Many believed that it would be Number 1 by the end of the next quarter!  Walter wasn't sure he could ... well, he wasn't sure he could measure up to the company's reputation for innovation, leadership, customer focus, and obscene profits.  But there was no time to worry now.  First stop:  the Porcine Resources Swine.
Brer Rabbit and the Mass Animal Traps       "That Brer Rabbit sure was the cleverest animal ever!" declared the boy.  "Did he ever get into a jam he couldn't get out of, Uncle Rebus?" 
    Uncle Rebus scratched his chin thoughtfully.  "Well, there was the time he tangled with Brer Donkey," he said.
The Buff Emperor There was once an emperor who liked to walk around buck naked in public.  He gave out the usual story that he was wearing elegant magic clothes that were visible only to the enlightened, but - you know how these things go - the children were starting to notice.  Ok, who listens to kids?  But when adults started taking note of his majesty's nudity, something had to be done.
Bull in a China Shop  Porcelain Planet had been my dream since I was boy.  It was going to be the best and biggest porcelain emporium in the civilized world.  It was going to have the largest selection of porcelain artifacts in history, from ancient to new, from hard paste to soft, from Bone China to Parian statuary.  It was going to run the geographic gamut from China to England, from Russia to Italy.  It was going to span the centuries from Han to Qing to the present day.
The Burning Bush  "Moses!  Off with the sandals!  You know the drill!"
Chicken Bias    It was my day to watch the chicken yard when the visitor dropped in.  Just as I was about to run him off, he extended a paw and introduced himself .
Clearing the Weeds  "Good morning, Myrtle!  And what can I do for you today?"
Close Call  Were you aware that the the Father of Our Country very nearly failed to become President?  It is a sad testament to the state of historical knowledge in this country that many of American citizens do not know how narrowly was disaster avoided when our First Founding Father was opposed and nearly defeated by a lying, cowardly, traitorous opponent.  But that is the purpose of this historical document:  to make the past known to all so that we may never again be tempted to fall into the trap so narrowly avoided ...
Code Red   It was reported today that almost 2 million Americans have lost their jobs under the Bush administration and almost 4 million have lost their health care benefits.
In a completely unrelated story, the Department of Homeland Security announced that terrorists are planning to infect American economic reports with a lethal statistics virus.  All economic reports have been suspended, effective immediately, and the threat level has been raised to Code Yellow.  The source of this intelligence is "chatter."
Come Hell or High Water   As this historic Presidential election approaches, the latest polls indicate that the incumbent Hell Party has opened a 10 point lead over the High Water Party.  But are these polls accurate?  What are the voters really thinking as election day draws nigh?  To answer this question, I have taken to the streets of America to interview the "Man and Woman on the Street."
Confirmation Hearing  Chair:  Mr. Gonzales, you have stated that you know the difference between your obligations as Chief Counsel to the President and the obligations of an Attorney General.  Would you clarify your duties as Chief Counsel?
Congressional Veterans for Truth  The following is a TV commercial developed and paid for by concerned, nonpartisan American citizens...
The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop had only two flavors of ice cream, chocolate and
vanilla, but no one complained.  That was because both flavors were delicious, and, if you got tired of one, you could
always choose the other.  Oh, yes.  There was one other thing.  The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop was the only ice
cream shop in town.  Everyone, or almost everyone, in town was content with this.
Crisis  "A Mr. Khan to see you, your Son of Heaven-ness."
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't  It happened that God took pity on the souls suffering in hell.  And he decided to let them off the hook.  Literally, in some cases.
A Deep Dig  The cell chirped. I sighed. It had to be Sue, calling me in to work on the weekend again.
Deeply Flawed  We had seats on the 50-yard line.
Defending the Fundaments of Society  "Mr. President!  Mr. President!"
    "Ah, yes.  Always pleased to speak to members of the Fourth Estate.  How can I help you?"
    "About this constitutional amendment, Mr. President ...  Is it true that you're supporting it?"
Developing Eden  God was so pleased with his new creation that he just had to show it to someone. Satan was only too happy to oblige.
Disappointment in Samara  There was once a wealthy merchant who had a faithful servant.  One day, the servant was carrying water for his master in the marketplace.  As he was struggling with his load, whom should he see but Death?  On seeing the servant, Death did a stopped suddenly and gave him a very odd look.  The servant dropped all his water immediately, and passed some as well, in his haste to get home.
Do You Believe in Magic?  "How was your day, dear?"
    "Ah, had to build another castle.  I'm exhausted."
    "I thought you built him a castle yesterday."
    "I did.  This guy's got a fixation on castles.  My last lamplord was satisfied with heaps of gold.  But not this guy."  Gene sighed and balanced delicately on the little pointy thing genies have instead of legs.                     
The Dam Economy  The village lay in the shadow of a huge dam.  The dam had been built to supply water for irrigation, drinking, and fisheries.  The villagers were quite happy with it, on the whole.  But lately, cracks had begun appearing in the dam, and occasionally large chunks of dam came tumbling to earth.  This made some people a little nervous.
Dragon by the Tail Once upon a time, in a kingdom somewhere between here and there, there dwelt, as is so often the case in these tale thingies, a king and a dragon. Among many others, of course. But I digress. Already. Back to the king and dragon, then.
Eagle Eggs, $1.00  I put on the brakes at 65 mph. What did that say? The sign was crudely made, but provocative: Eagle Eggs, $1.00. I postponed my plans and headed down the dirt road in the direction of the helpfully pointing arrow. I had to meet the person who scaled the dizzying heights to plunder eagle aeries. And then sold the eggs for a buck a piece.
Eagles, Vultures, and Chicks  In the long ago, each bird was created with a unique character and capabilities.  The 
Eagle was created noblest of birds, regal of visage, swift of wing, sharp of talon, surfer of the high winds and master of 
the towering clouds.  The Vulture was created the grim presence of birds, dark of mien, foul of breath, dire of portent, client of death and picker of carrion.
Edible Island  It happened one time that a dog, a cat, a pig, and a goat were shipwrecked on a desert island. The animals were in danger of starving, and were much distressed about this until they discovered a remarkable fact: the island on which they were stranded was edible.
Enemy Worm  The earthworm saw the menacing, segmented form wriggling up from the hole opposite him.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Arborial Beaver  The Beaver family was enjoying a restful evening at the lodge. Mom, Dad, Binkie, and Pookie were watching "Bucktooth Survivor" on Beavervision, when Binkie brought up the E-word.
Fair and Impartial  A merchant planned to journey to a distant city to sell his valuable stock of silks and VCRs.  The road he had to travel was notorious for rapacious bandits, so the merchant decided to hire a guard to protect his goods.  However, he didn't want just any guard.  He wanted a trustworthy guard of good moral character.  So he advertised thus: ...
A Few Poison Apples  "I want to order one poison apple," said the Queen.
Fire Ants  There was a huge fire ant mound in the middle of the vacant lot.  The family had a meeting to discuss what to do about it.
Fire That Guy!  Dear Mr. Snerd, I demand that you fire that so-called ventriloquist of yours, that Edgar Bergen! All right-thinking Americans are sick and tired of his shenanigans and sneaky dealings. His sense of humor is bad enough, but this latest scandal is the absolute last straw.
Flip-Flopping FAQs  Q:  George Bush said that we must invade Iraq because they supported al-Qaeda, and then it turned out that they didn't.  So he said that we had to invade because Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.  But they didn't.  So he said that we had to invade to liberate the Iraqi people because Saddam was such an awful person.  Is there a flip-flop in there?A:  No.  You are confusing "flip-flops" with "lies."
The Flying Mouse  Once upon a time, there was a colony of mice who lived in fear of a rapacious owl.  The owl was accustomed to swooping down at any and all hours of the night and seizing citizens of the colony without so much as a "how do you do?"  Or maybe that was a "guess who's coming to dinner?"  Well, it didn't take long before the mice got tired of this.
Four More Years  Please pardon my smugness, but, you see, I was one of the few who got it right all those years ago.  Of course, it's easy to see now, especially from my vantage point in heaven.  My friend Soji is tugging at my elbow.  He wants me to tell you that he got it right, too.
Fox and Scorpion  The Fox was foraging near the river one day when he was accosted by a Scorpion.
Free Squawking Zone  We Free Range Chickens pride ourselves on our open society.  Our Bill of Fowl Rights guarantees us the Freedom to Squawk, if we don't like the way the Big Cock is running things.  Anyway, we elect him, and we can unelect him, too!  So, you can imagine our dismay, when ...
Freedom of Choice  Well, I might not be much for doctors, but I figure I ought to go in for a checkup once every four years, whether I need it or not.  So, I get in there, and the doctor sits me down right off and says, "Ok, which do you want, cancer or multiple sclerosis?"
Frist Amendment Rights  The following is an exclusive interview of Senator Frist by Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle.
Brian Beegle:  Senator, is it true that you support the "Defense of Marriage" amendment because of the recent Supreme Court decision on the Texas Sodomy law?
Sen. Bill Frist:  Yes, Brian.  That's one reason.  As my friend and fellow zealot, Rick Santorum, says, "We have now laid the framework for rewriting marriage statutes across the country."
Frogs  Once upon a time, a frog civilization grew up in a large pot of water.  As luck would have it, a human being discovered this bonanza and discreetly moved it over a handy flame ...
The Genie Jar  It wasn't every day that the good people of Biggle's Bottom got company. It was even rarer that the company sported star-spangled, flowing robes, wild, white hair, mad, glowing eyes, and ... an odd-looking something-or-other that was covered with a cloth. Rarer still that the company should walk directly to the mayor's house. Well, not so much walk as stagger. And collapse on the front steps.
The Giants Meet the Mole People  Once, there were giants in the land. They lived large. Everything they did was big. They worked big. They played big. They ate big. They drank big. They loved big. And, above all, they thought big. They had big ideas. They loved big ideas, ideas like Freedom, Democracy, and the Common Good.
Give Until It Spurts  Good grief!  It was those pesky villagers again, armed with their stakes and garlic and led by Von What's-his-name.
The Gospel According to George       Seeing the crowds of reporters, Jesus stepped up to the mike and addressed them, saying: 
    "Blessed are the rich, for theirs are the means to buy power."
Great Automobile Mechanic  "Hi!  I'm Jack!  I'm a great automobile mechanic!"
    My friend Polly introduced me to Jack the Great Automobile Mechanic.  She and all her friends swore by his wizardry.
The Great Boob Caper  The life of a Private Tom isn't the orgy of glamor people imagine.  The pay is low and the hours are long.  That is, the hours are long when someone actually hires you.  Usually the hours are pretty much nonexistent.  Nevertheless, it had to be better than the harrowingly unsuccessful experiences I had with a series of criminally stupid masters.  So there I was, twiddling my claws, waiting for the big case, the one that would make it all worthwhile.
The Great Wheel of Health Insurance  I dedicate this humble offering to the memory of the late, revered savant, Lobsang Chipotle, who explained to me the eternal cycle of Samsura.  May he be blessed with eternal enlightenment.  But I am getting a little ahead of my story.  It begins with my 14th layoff and 27th rejection for health insurance...
Halliburton Gets Texas Contract  At a joint press conference today, Texas Governor Rick Perry and Halliburton spokesman Drace R. Hinchey announced that the state of Texas has contracted all government functions out to Halliburton.
He Hates Me!  Mom and Dad told Billy that Cousin Georgie was coming to stay for a while.  Billy was excited about having a new playmate, even if he someone else had picked the playmate for him.
An Historic Erection 
I woke up on the operating table.  There was a massive gash down my abdomen, and surgically masked figures were poking about in my innards.
Home, Safe Home  Mr. Fidget: Hello? SecureIt Home Safety Systems? We're having a slight problem with the home security system you installed last Tuesday.
Horsenip  There was once a country named Bilgespot that depended very heavily on its horses, which were used for both labor and transportation.  Everyone had to have at least one horse, but most families had two or more.  Considering the importance of horses in Bilgespottian society, Bilgespottians understandably wanted maximum output from their animals.  This was a vexing problem until one day, when an odd little man peddling an odd line of products showed up.
A Horse's Tale 
It was a peculiar case from the start. The call had originated from the old Halatasi farm, which was unlikely enough, but the 911 dispatcher was unable to provide any detail, saying only that the caller's voice was muffled and incoherent, and yet managed to sound indignant all the same. It made Officer Blivitt nervous, and he unsnapped his top holster snap as he approached the house.
How It Works  "Hey, Bink! Did you hear that the Beta Mound is dead?"
Human Sacrifice 
By order of Zebo, High Priest of the Great God Morg, the human sacrifices commenced on the 23rd of Dwip, in the Year of the Incontinent Marmot.  And throughout the land of Ngomak, the people felt safe again ...
Igor Beaver    I knew it!  The beatings and abuse were worth it!  At last, after all those years of faithful servitude, I have won Mahsta's love and approval.  But let me tell you the story ...
Imagine ... 
I didn't ask them to take me to their leader, but they did. I guess they didn't get much interplanetary traffic.
In Sheep's Clothing One day, a hungry wolf found an old, discarded sheep skin.  Putting on, he proceeded to infiltrate the sheep flock and was so successful there that he was soon elected President of the Sheep.  So he passed out sheep skins to all his wolf buddies, invited them to come on down, and appointed them to all the influential positions in Sheep government.
In the Days of the Dragon   Once upon a time, in a kingdom not so far away, there dwelt a mighty dragon.  The dragon had no legal standing in the kingdom, which, like other kingdoms, had a king and an unwieldy bureaucracy.  However, the dragon was so powerful that everyone, including the king, paid homage to it, kowtowed to it, and in general did everything they could to make the dragon's stay on the planet pleasant and, they hoped, nonfatal to themselves.
In the Same Boat  Six travelers were sailing together in a small boat.  A large wave crashed over the side of the boat, partially filling it with water.
    "We are in mortal peril!" cried the first passenger and smashed a hole in the bottom of the boat forthwith.  "There," he said with satisfaction. "Now the water can get out the bottom, and the boat will not sink.  I have saved us all.  Thank me, thank me."
Inevitable  She came to me in a tizzy.  I reminded her that the Lord once came in a whirlwind, but never, never in a tizzy.  You see?  Even a servant of the Lord can have a sense of humor.
Instant Replay  "Good evening, sports fans!  This is Ace Grbcz with today's post-game wrap-up."
Intelligent Aim  "We want this irrational, unproven exercise stopped, and we want it stopped now!"
The Intentions of the Founding Fathers  The Founding Fathers are meeting in Philadelphia ...
Jefferson:  James, I have a bone to pick with you.  I think we all do, in fact.
Interview with the Justice  Special to the Daily Dishrag - The DD was on the scene as the newest Supreme Court justice emerged from his historic confirmation and obtained an interview unlike any granted to any other news medium ...
Junkyard Dogs  Junk was the lifeblood of Junkville.  The citizens of Junkville produced junk.  They bought it, they sold it, they exchanged it.  They used it as currency.  When neighbor met neighbor, they would exchange the following cheerful greeting:  "Hey, let's talk trash!"
The Killer Ducks     In a wood, at the edge of a pond, a mother duck sat on her eggs.  She felt like she was sitting on a
pile of rocks.  She sighed.  Incubating eggs never used to be like this.  Then she noticed the odd egg.  It was about twice
the size of the others, and a shade softer than diamond.  She didn't remember laying it, and she was pretty sure she would have noticed.   But the mother duck continued to sit on her clutch of eggs.
The Lady or the Tiger II  There was once a semi-barbaric country where conflicts of great moment were settled by games of (supposedly) impartial and (theoretically) incorruptible chance.  So, for example, if a married couple wanted to divorce, the rights and wrongs of the matter and who got what pieces of real estate and which kids were settled by coin flips, rather than by lengthy litigation involving expensive attorneys.  And the results were no worse.
The Legend of the Bluebonnet (Revised) Once upon a time in Texas, before the coming of the White Man, the Great Spirit caused a great drought to ravage the land. The members of the Cuddashuddawudda tribe were grievously affected, and they appealed to their shaman to find a solution.
Let the Healing Begin  The Crown Prince was bleeding.  While this may not be a major problem in most families, in certain royal families, it can be catastrophic ...
A Letter to the Editor Dear Sir:
I must protest most vehemently the loss of manners among our youth and the demise of propriety among our poets!
Liberty Roulette  It was a lovely spring afternoon, and the park was overflowing with picnickers, each ladling potato salad into his mouth with one hand and pointing a gun at his head with the other.  The click-click of the tripping hammers seemed to keep time with the chirp-chirp of the birds.  Occasionally, there was a discordant "boom," but it did nothing to disturb the tranquil festivity of the day.
The Lion, the Mouse, and the Thorn   Once upon a time, there was a powerful Lion who ruled the animal kingdom with
a mighty paw and a dense skull.
Little Bo George Cries Wolf       Once upon a time, there was a peaceful community that depended on wool for its livelihood.  Since sheep were such a vital resource for this society, Head Shepherd was a powerful and coveted position.  To ensure that their sheep received the best care and protection, the people elected the Head Shepherd every four years.
The Little Dutch Boy Revisited    "Don't be absurd," said the Sensible Citizen. "Get your finger out of that hole immediately!  Dikes are the responsibility of the Greater Netherlands Dike Authority.  You're meddling in things that are not your concern."
Little Shop of Whores 
It was a porticoed, antebellum mansion. Its location is not important, and I could not bear the guilt of having directed anyone to that ill-omened place, so suffice to say, it was somewhere along the Potomac. The structure had become dilapidated with the years, but it housed a flourishing business and exuded a sort of fin-de-siecle elegance that puffed its clientele up with a feeling of importance. And what clientele! They came only from the highest echelons of society. For many years, that is. Until the days of decay, until ... 
Looking after the Chickens 
There was once a farmer who loved his chickens above all other animals.  "Nothing's too good for my chickens," he said, and had a state-of-the-art chicken facility built.  "Yard" just didn't do justice to this wonder of chicken opulence. The new facility had automated egg-gathering, automated feeding, and automated waste disposal.  It had luxurious hen houses with shiny new fixtures, chicken saunas, chicken massage, and Grade A straw for nests.  It had everything a chicken could desire.  Except one.
Luigi  A worm I was born, and a worm I remain.  My Ma-pa always said, "Luigi, be proud of who you are," and I took that advice to heart.  I remember she-he even said it as the bird was carrying her-him off.  So, no matter how rich and powerful I later became, I never forgot where I came from.
Lying Down with Pigs  Jethro had a preference for pigs.  It wasn't just that he liked there swinely grace or the noble turn of their snouts or even their above average intelligence.  Jethro loved pork, and not only for breakfast.  He liked to get down in the mud with it.
The Mad Dog Catcher  In the old days, wild dogs roamed freely over the land. They trampled crops, devoured livestock, attacked anyone who ventured outside, and even broke into houses to terrorize the inhabitants. Clearly, something had to be done. And it was.
The Magic Fish   Once upon a time there lived a poor fisherman and his wife.  The fisherman had two glaring deficiencies that prevented him from ever getting ahead:  he was hardworking and honest.  Fortunately, he had a wife who was always eager to remind him of his shortcomings.
The Magnificent Golden Stag No one knows exactly when the Magnificent Golden Stag first appeared in our kingdom, but everyone knows that he has always been a bright beacon to us, a bringer of hope, peace, and prosperity. When the people were parched and perishing from the Great Drought, the appearance of the Magnificent Golden Stag signaled the onset of rain. When the country was wracked by seemingly interminable war, a sighting of the Magnificent Golden Stag was followed by an armistice and a long period of peace. There is no need for me to detail all the wondrous and magical benefits this beloved beast has brought to us.
The Mandate of Heaven  Hi.  God here.  Generally, I eschew hobnobbing with the hoi polloi, preferring to chat only with my special favorites, the ones who appreciate my true vengeful nature, but I just had to make an exception today.  That's because my good buddy, Pat Robertson, reminded me of the old Mandate of Heaven days in China.
Mandatory Oaths   Special to the Daily Dishrag - As Texas students prepare to return to school this fall, Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle caught up with Texas Governor Rick Perry, also known as "Governor Goodhair," to discuss Texas Senate Bill 83, which requires all students to observe one minute of silence each day, following a recitation of the pledges of allegiance to the United States and Texas flags.
The Marvelous Tree   It was really a quite ordinary looking tree standing among other ordinary looking trees.  It was neither taller nor sturdier than its companions.  Its fruit, however, had peculiar properties not shared by the other trees, as the people learned long ago.
Matches   Once upon a time, there were two scarecrows named Billy Joe and Billy Jack.  When the farmer was making them, he ran out of straw, with the result that Billy Joe and Billy Jack had only three legs between them.  Aside from completely superseding the phrase "joined at the hip," this circumstance had some unfortunate consequences.  When Billy Joe wanted to go left, Billy Jack wanted to go right.  When Billy Joe sat down, Billy Jack stood up.  When Billy Joe zigged, you could be sure that Billy Jack was zagging.  All of this was exacerbated by the fact that Billy Joe and Billy Jack hated each other's guts.  Or each other's straw, rather.  And it would do no good for someone to point out that it was the same straw.
Memories of the Golden Age  He is knone as the Evil One, the Adversary, the Deceiver.  And sometimes, oddly, as the Simpleton.  His real name, hoever, has been taboo for so long that it has been svalloed in the mists of time.
TheMiers Nomination: A Translation for the Politically Hearing-Impaired  George W. Bush: Harriet Miers is an outstanding Nominee for the United States Supreme Court.
Translation: She will vote to overturn Roe v Wade.
Murky Intelligence   Special to the Daily Dishrag - On July 27, 2003, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz declared that the United States must be prepared to act on "murky" intelligence in its war on terrorism.  The following is an exclusive interview of Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz by Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle.
NEMS to the Rescue 
I was surprised at the massive and rapid response. There were EMS guys everywhere. Two of them had me down on the floor and immobilized faster than a rodeo cowboy can truss up a pig. And the thing was, it wasn't even a bad paper cut.
The New York Times Covers the Emperor's New Clothes  When the Emperor set forth clad in the altogether, he made this statement:  "I am dressed in magical clothes that are critical to national security.  Anyone who claims not to be able to see my garments is a traitor and a terrorist."
No More Nukes!  Good evening.  As the Chair of No More Nukes!, it is my signal honor to present to you our plan for eliminating nuclear power and its attendant expenses, inefficiencies, and dangers from our lives. 
No Receipt  When Joe deposited his check at the bank, he was in for a surprise.
Nothing in the Cookie Jar  Mom always let the kids help bake the cookies. That way, everyone earned their cookies, and everyone had a stake in the cookie supply. Everyone had a job: gathering ingredients, mixing, rolling, cutting, baking, and so forth.
Old News  Special to the Daily Dishrag - The Daily Dishrag obtained this exclusive interview with Iranian spokesperson Ali Ali Aksinfri. The subject is White House criticism of the recent Iranian elections.
One Billy Goat Not So Gruff  It was one of those lovely, care-free spring days, and the little billy goat, after frolicking happily through the fields, had begun to frolic happily across a quaint little bridge with a really stunning scenic view. As the little billy goat paused to enjoy that stunning view, it was abruptly interrupted by a large, troll-shaped obstruction. Ah, yes. Care-free was the day, but not, unfortunately, troll-free.
The Only Medicine That Works  There was once a small kingdom located by a beautiful lake.  The water of the lake was cool, crystal clear, and plentiful, and it amply provided all the liquid needs of the kingdom.  The people of the kingdom called it "our beautiful, crystal clear lake."
The Only Thing  The Lions and the Bears played touch football after school almost every day. Sometimes the Bears won, and sometimes the Lions won. And it was lots of fun. Until the Big Kids showed up.
Operation CATNIP  General Jehosaphat Whisker Puss peered over the privacy fence. The enemy was sprawled out on its back, napping heedlessly in the afternoon sun. But this was no time for careless confidence!
A Plague of Rats  The town of Ashweip was plagued by rats.  They got into every building, every room, every locked and guarded space. They crawled through the plumbing, climbed inside the walls, and danced in the living rooms.  Everyone agreed that something had to be done.
Playing Hardball  It seems like I spent my whole life chasing the Boomtown Bombers, but it didn't matter.  Playing baseball was all I ever wanted to do.  It's the greatest game ever invented.  I still say that.  So what if I played for the Burlap Longstockings instead of the perennial pennant winners?  But it did get old sometimes.
Pangeorgia's Box 
In the early days, the gods gave humankind peace, plenty, happiness, and good health.  And experimented with the nastier stuff.
The Park of the Ark  It came to pass that the myriad animal species were in danger of being hunted to extinction. And the people were alarmed. And it happened that one kind soul proposed a revolutionary solution.
The Porridge Purveyors of Pooba  Once upon a time, in the tiny town of Pooba, there lived a poor old woman and her nine year old daughter, henceforward to be known as "the little girl."  Just how an old woman came to have a nine year old daughter is never explained.  Let's just say that the trials of poverty made the woman old before her time, and leave it at that.  As for their poverty, I should explain that being poor in Pooba was the rule rather than the exception, and that there was a very good reason for this.  You see, the economy of Pooba was in the hands of a few wealthy porridge merchants known as the Porridge Purveyors of Pooba, or the PPP.  The reason that the PPP exercised so much influence in Pooba is that porridge was the staple of the town, and since they held a virtual monopoly on porridge, they could and did charge extortionate rates for their goods.
Pot and Kettle Special to the Daily Dishrag - Following his harrowing escape from Guantanamo Bay, reporter Brian Beegle has been temporarily restricted to less trying assignments.  This is his first fluff piece.
Brian Beegle:  Mr. Pot, it has been reported that you described the Kettle as being black.  Is this true?

Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir 
Thank heavens for Professor Peabody. Without him, there's no telling what trouble I'd be in.
The Protectors  Gertie didn't like the new Masters.  They frightened her. 
Quick Action Saves US from Terrorist Attack  September 21, 2004 - The United States was spared another cataclysmic terrorist attack today, thanks to quick action by the FBI.  Unable to locate Osama bin Laden after more than three years, US security apparatchiks were able to redeem themselves by bagging Yusuf Islam, formerly known by the alias of "Cat Stevens."
Rara Avis 
From the beginning, that one egg looked odd.  Gladys had a full clutch, and that one was almost the right size and almost the right color.  Almost.  But not quite.  And it looked ... leathery.
Representative Democracy  "So, it looks like this guy is going to be a Supreme, huh?"
A Revised - Not Revisionist - History of the United States in World War II 
Wallace:  Mr. President!  Mr. President!  Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor!
FDR:  Oh, dear!  Hide me!  Hide me!
Revised Rules  "Ah, ha!  Caughtcha!  I go up the mountain for a lousy 40 days, and what do you do?  Run off and make false gods, that's what!  I can't leave you alone for two minutes, can I?"
The Rodent Extractor  When Master called me into his study, I was expecting a good scratch behind the ears.  But he was wearing a "no kitty treats today" expression.
The Rules   It wasn't at the expected location, and we were starting to get desperate.
The S-Word of Damocles  Dionysius the tyrant was just sitting down to breakfast when his toady Damocles walked in.
Save the Goats  
The farm animals were having a meeting to discuss the goat tethering problem.  Baaarbara the sheep was presiding.
Seals, Sharks, and Orcas
The Shark stuck its Great White Snout out of the water.
A Seaworthy Vessel  Elroy and Hazel had always wanted to go on a Caribbean cruise, but they never seemed to have the time or money.  Finally, after 20 years of marriage, they decided to take the plunge.  They booked a berth on the Imperial Overlord because all their friends recommended it.
Second Amendment Rites  Katelyn lost another AK-47 at school today.  That girl couldn't hang on to a weapon if her life depended on it.  Which it does.
The Semi and the Bicycle  I'm here to interview Mr. J. P. Righteous, but before I begin, I had better describe this location to you.  We are standing in the middle of a rather narrow two-lane roadway, along with dozens of other people.  There are high, sheer walls on either side, so that no one can simply step off the road.  Behind us, the road ends abruptly with a sheer and towering drop-off.  In front of us, a large semi tractor trailer is just coming into view.  It's going, oh, I'd say about 80 miles an hour.  Alongside it is a bicycle.  Hey, don't ask me how it keeps up, but it does.
A Simple Up or Down Vote  The lone man rose and bowed stiffly to the presiding official.
The Sins of CBS  Special to the Daily Dishrag - In the wake of the controversy regarding the allegedly bogus George Bush National Guard documents, the Daily Dishrag's own Brian Beegle obtained an exclusive interview with Constitutional and media legal expert Professor Alastair Inksteighn-Retch.
Smoking Gun  "Sheriff, I demand to know why you haven't arrested Black Bart for murdering my husband!" 
Snake Oil  Once upon a time, all the animals in the barnyard got together to elect a leader.  After much debate 
and many nominations, they settled on Bobo the Parrot.  Bobo stayed mostly at the farmhouse, so he wasn't really a farm animal, but he was a good speaker, even if his words weren't really his own.
Snuffem & Stuffem  The funeral parlor was the most prominent building in town.  That's probably why I went there first.
The State of Notaxes 
What a relief it was to cross the border into the great state of Notaxes.  It had been a long journey down from Massataxes, where the only thing certain was death by taxes.  At last, Marge and little Johnny and I could breathe free again.
Staying the Course  I was taking my morning constitutional one day, when I came upon a gang of toughs beating up some poor slob.  A second gang had taken an interest and were gradually edging toward the scene of the action.  A large crowd of by-standers had gathered to watch.
Staying the Odyssey 
Most students of literature are aware of the trials endured by the hero Odysseus in his journey from Troy to his home in Ithaca.  But you know, it isn't that far from Troy to Ithaca.  As Odysseus's wife Penelope so succinctly put it, "What took you so long?  What, you couldn't pick up a phone once in a while?  A telemakhos, you couldn't send me?  How about a little letter?"  Ok, maybe she wasn't so succinct.  But why did Odysseus's journey take so long?  Perhaps this will clear a few things up ...
Strong Leader, Conservative Values, Man of God  Two men vie for the people's support.  I am amazed that any clear-thinking person could have any question as to whom to follow.
Supporting the Pledge The irate parent dragged me out of class just before the daily flag ceremony.
Swatting Silver Bullets  "Yes, Officer?  How can I help you?"
    "I just wanted to talk to you about that bit of unpleasantness where you ran a stop sign and killed six people, Mr. Biggs.  Do you have a minute?"
This Guy's Falling  It was election time in the chicken yard.  The chickens didn't elect a president every day, so this was an awesome event.  The candidate from the Strutter Party was Beauregard.  The Pecker Party candidate was Erasmus.  They were the two biggest cocks in the yard.  Or in any yard, for that matter.
The Three Rules of Frankenotics They laughed at me at the university.  But then, they laughed at me in high school, too.  And junior high, and elementary, and ...  But it wasn't personal, so it was all right.  Anyway, it didn't have a thing to do with my ideas about the reanimation of dead matter, and that's what I really want to talk about.  You see, I am the Father of Frankenotics.  You haven't heard of Frankenotics?  Ok, allow me to explain.  Uh, you won't laugh at me, will you?
Three Wishes  The big guy almost bowled me over.  It wasn't so much his size, although he was some twenty feet 
high, or even his appearance, although his robe and turban were certainly striking.  It was his full-bodied, self-confident 
bluster that nearly landed me on my bottom.  That, and the fact that he more or less appeared out of nowhere.
Tick Nation  "Mom! Mom! There's a big, fat tick on TV!" 
Tilting at Dragons  I hesitated briefly before letting the knocker fall.  I couldn't set off on such an important dragon-slaying assignment without soliciting the counsel and support of my good friend and next door neighbor, but I hated to awaken him so early in the morning.  I needn't have worried.
The Time Has Come  "You know," mused the Walrus, "there are a few things I've been wondering about.  That is, ever since you ... became President of the United States of Through the Looking Glass."
Tip of the Iceberg  I don't think I was supposed to hear it, but there you are.  I was just strolling on the deck, enjoying the view, when I overheard the Captain and the 2nd Mate.
Titanic Dick     My name is Ishmael, but call me Idiot.  Some years ago, no matter how many, I booked a voyage on the
hottest new ocean liner in the fleet.  It's name was the Titanic , but call it Pile of Crap.  Our captain was a one-legged
psychopath named Ahab.  I won't presume to tell you what to call him.
Too Controversial  "What do you mean, you can't broadcast this?"
    "It's way too controversial, sir.  CBS can't be responsible for spreading stuff like this."
Too Expensive  I was just settling in to a nice swamp bath and placidly nibbling leaves from the top of a handy tree, when Terry wheeled overhead and let out a screech.
Top Ten Reasons for Deporting Cat Stevens  Under pressure from legal action initiated by Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, the US Department of Homeland Security released the following justifications for the recent deportation of the former pop star:
Toward More Stately Palaces  Once upon a time (it must have been very long ago), in a rather unextraordinary little country (it must have been very far away), there lived a peaceful and industrious, yet discontented, people. The people were discontented because they were rootless and unfocused. Fortunately, there were among them some wise Architects, and the Architects had an idea.
The Triumph of the Mice “Rats!” said the mouse. 
    “Prime Minister Nibbles?” squeaked the Home Minster of Fromagia. 
    “Those pompous, self-righteous, overgrown rodents refuse - refuse - to sell us their feline technology,” groused Nibbles. “They want to keep all the power over on the other side of the pond. Imagine! How are we supposed to protect ourselves from the vile Rodentian insectivores on our very borders!”
Trolls 'n' Tolls  In the dim long ago, there was a city of many bridges.  When people first started building the bridges, it was possible simply to walk from one side of a bridge to the other, with no impediments.  Then - perhaps it was in the nature of bridges - two sorts of beast began to stake claims to these architectural structures:  the trolls and the Metropolitan Transit Authority.
The True Story of Theseus and the Minotaur  In the olden days, the city of Athens paid to King Minos of Crete an annual tribute of fourteen youths, seven male and seven female.  The destination of these youths was the dinner table of one of the great monsters of myth, the Minotaur.  Some Athenians were a trifle upset about that.
U. S. Turns Power Over to Saddam  The Bush administration announced today that it had sacked the entire Iraqi Governing Council and returned power to Saddam Hussein in a brief ceremony.  Presidents Bush and Saddam were seen smiling broadly, shaking hands, and kissing each other on both cheeks.  By way of explanation, Vice President Dick Cheney remarked, "One thing you've got to say for those Baathists:  They sure know how to keep order.  Al-Sadr'll never know what hit him."
Twisting Words  As election day approaches, the charges and counter-charges fly thick and fast.  How are the voters to know the truth?  Fortunately, we, the even-handed and impartial media, are here to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Unelectable  Transylvania used to be a nice place to live.  That was before that fateful election.
Uprising at Possum's Backside  Black Bart was the meanest, orneriest, nastiest, unhygienic-ist outlaw west of the Pecos.  Really.  You can check it out on page 247 of What's That?  Some guy on the Potomac is listed as meanest, orneriest, nastiest, unhygienic-ist east of the Pecos, but Black Bart is appealing.  Well, no one that disgusting could actually be appealing, but he's filed a protest.  But I digress.
Usable   The Roach King had called a plenary session of the Roach Council.  There were waving feelers and chitinous
exoskeletons as far as the eye could see.  The air was filled with sounds of respectful rustling and raucous cheers.
Utopia  Every four years, the Dragons and the Dogs vied to win the favor of the people of Utopia.  The winners got to be the people's protectors for the next four years.  The people needed protection from the neighboring Trolls, so it would seem that the Dragons vs. Dogs contest should be a slam dunk for the Dragons.  After all, who wouldn't feel more secure with a Dragon protector?  But then, there was the vexed question of the Wizards ...
Victory  Georgie, Donny, and Bobby were playing in the yard, when Georgie noticed a hornet nest in a tree a short
stone's throw away.
            "Hey," said Georgie, picking up a rock, "I bet I can hit that."
Wagging  Me and Bowser have been a team since birth.  At first, Bowser used to call the shots because I was kind of runty.  He would drag me around wherever he felt like, shake me from side to side, and sometimes even chase me.  I had to teach him who was boss.
Wake-Up Call  "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Walk Like a Duck  "Quack, quack," said the rooster.
    "Jake," said I, "I have some bad news for you."
Water Conservation  "Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President. It is urgent that I speak to you on the matter of water conservation."
Waterloo  "Say, Nigel, do you remember the Battle of Waterloo?"
Waterwhat?  February 1, 1973 - Activist Judge John Sirica lynched by rampaging mob of patriots chanting "Support the President! Support the President." 
Weapons of Mass Destruction Found  March 3, 2004 - The White House announced today that the missing Iraqi weapons of mass destruction have been found in Alabama.  According to White House spokesman Arty Stonewall, the elusive WMDs were discovered at Anniston Army Depot thanks to a harmless leak of deadly sarin nerve gas.  When asked how the leak could be simultaneously harmless and deadly, Mr. Stonewall stated, "Saddam and his henchman hid these hideous weapons in ordinary fruit juice cartons and handed them over to Al Qaeda operatives, who smuggled them into the very heart of American democracy, while John Kerry shmoozed with Jane Fonda."
Wool   There was once a flock of Sheep that came under the care of a Sheepdog. 
        "You have to give me all your wool," said the Sheepdog. 
        "Why should we do that?" asked the Sheep.
When Crabs Ruled This is a story of the days when crabs ruled Crustacea.  Some say the crabs were called to rule because they were the wisest of Crustaceans.  Others say that no one else wanted the job.
When the Lion Was a Vegetarian  Once upon a time, in the great Long Ago, the Lion was not the fierce and savage beast we know today.  Oh, he had the massive muscles, the deafening roar, the razor claws, and the terrible teeth.  But, due to his placid personality and mild manner, none of the other animals feared him.  And oh, yes.  He was a vegetarian.
Where's WaMDo?   This is a fun book, boys and girls.  The object is to find WaMDo in each of the exciting pictures.  But WaMDo is very cleverly hidden, so look closely ...
The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze 
The chronicles of Dorothy of Kansas and her adventures in the Land of Oz are well known. What is less well known is that, on the very day that Dorothy and her house were carried away by the tornado, another girl named Dorothy from a neighboring farm was also carried away, house and all, by the very same tornado. The second Dorothy was not dropped in the Land of Oz, however. The tornado still had enough punch to carry the second Dorothy to a land beyond Oz, over the rainbow, over, in fact, the edge. This is the story of that Dorothy...
Your Fault!  A merchant came to market to sell his wares. He carried all the materials needed to set up his stall, and he led a large bull.

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