Complete List of Stories
Accountability "You'd
better
have a good explanation for those spinning heads, young man, or there's
going to be trouble!"
As Rome Burns Everyone should
visit the capital at least once in their life. I mean, everyone
has heard about the great roads, the awesome aqueducts, and the totally
cool architecture, but you really have to see it to appreciate it.
At His Word
"Please have a seat, Mr. Ebola. This august body has convened to
interview you for the position of Chief of the Immune System. For the
record, I am Chairman SARS, and I will preside over the proceedings and
ensure that no one drags any actual information out of you. The
questioning will begin with Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob. Humorist?"
The Bell Defecation Amendment The bell
was what made that day so remarkable. Not that any day a fox
visits isn't memorable, but that old bell had hung from a pole in the
chicken yard for as long as anyone could remember. So long, in
fact, that nobody really knew what it was there for, or took much
notice of it, for that matter.
Bellying Up to the Trough Humongous Hog Heaven was the largest hog farm in the
state. Every day the farm hands loaded up the gigantic super
extra large hog troughs with a cornucopia of redolent slops. And
3000 grossly corpulent hogs showed their appreciation and good manners
by bellying up and scarfing down. Small matter that much of the
banquet wound up on the ground. The hogs weren't shy about
groveling for their supper. Anyway, there was always plenty more
to come.
A Better World The world is a
better place without Joe Stalin. I tell that to all the skeptics
and nay-sayers.
The Big Bopper I hope I will be
excused for what may appear to be petulance, but I am sure I will have
your
understanding when you have heard of my circumstances. I was one
of some seven people who engaged a light
tourist vessel for what was supposed to
be a fun-filled escape from our busy workaday lives. The
excursion, which
was
scheduled to last three days, was to be a leisurely tour of the fun
spots between earth and the asteroid belt. I now believe that I
should have been suspicious when our pilot and tour leader introduced
himself as "Doof."
The Big Bright Ball As they
marched back to the mound, laden with goodies for the Queen, the ants
watched the Big Bright Ball in the sky.
Blockbuster Trade The White
House announced early today that it has traded the entire US judiciary
for its Iranian counterpart. The trade is seen as one that will
benefit both sides.
The Boast of Heraldry, the Pomp of Power ... Walter
was a bit nervous as he entered the gates of Soowee. It was the
second biggest hog farm in the country, and the fastest growing by
far. Many believed that it would be Number 1 by the end of the
next quarter! Walter wasn't sure he could ... well, he wasn't
sure he could measure up to the company's reputation for innovation,
leadership, customer focus, and obscene profits. But there was no
time to worry now. First stop: the Porcine Resources Swine.
Brer Rabbit and the Mass Animal Traps
"That Brer Rabbit sure was the cleverest
animal ever!" declared the boy.
"Did he ever get into a jam he couldn't get out of, Uncle Rebus?"
Uncle Rebus scratched his chin thoughtfully.
"Well, there was the time he tangled with Brer Donkey," he said.
The Buff Emperor There was once an emperor
who liked to walk around buck naked in public. He gave out the
usual story that he was wearing elegant magic clothes that were visible
only to the enlightened, but - you know how these things go - the
children were starting to notice. Ok, who listens to kids?
But when adults started taking note of his majesty's nudity, something
had to be done.
Bull in a China Shop
Porcelain Planet had been my dream since I was boy. It was going
to be the best and biggest porcelain emporium in the civilized
world. It was going to have the largest selection of porcelain
artifacts in history, from ancient to new, from hard paste to soft,
from Bone China to Parian statuary. It was going to run the
geographic gamut from China to England, from Russia to Italy. It
was going to span the centuries from Han to Qing to the present day.
The Burning Bush
"Moses! Off with the sandals! You know the drill!"
Chicken Bias It was my day
to watch the chicken yard when the visitor dropped in. Just as I
was about to run him off, he extended a paw and introduced himself .
Clearing the Weeds "Good
morning, Myrtle! And what can I do for you today?"
Close Call Were you aware that the
the Father of Our Country very nearly failed
to become President? It is a sad testament to the state of
historical knowledge in this country that many of American citizens do
not know how narrowly was disaster avoided when our First Founding
Father was opposed and nearly defeated by a lying, cowardly, traitorous
opponent. But that is the purpose of this historical
document: to make the past known to all so that we may never
again be tempted to fall into the trap so narrowly avoided ...
Code Red It was reported today
that almost 2 million Americans have lost their jobs under the Bush
administration and almost 4 million have lost their health care
benefits.
In a completely unrelated story, the Department of Homeland Security
announced that terrorists are planning to infect American economic
reports with a lethal statistics virus. All economic reports have
been suspended, effective immediately, and the threat level has been
raised to Code Yellow. The source of this intelligence is
"chatter."
Come Hell or High Water
As this historic Presidential election approaches, the latest polls
indicate that the incumbent Hell Party has opened a 10 point lead over
the High Water Party. But are these polls accurate? What
are the voters really thinking as election day draws nigh? To
answer this question, I have taken to the streets of America to
interview the "Man and Woman on the Street."
Confirmation Hearing
Chair: Mr. Gonzales, you have stated that you know the difference
between your obligations as Chief Counsel to the President and the
obligations of an Attorney General. Would you clarify your duties
as Chief Counsel?
Congressional Veterans
for Truth The following is a TV commercial developed and paid
for by concerned, nonpartisan American citizens...
The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop
The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop had only two flavors of ice cream,
chocolate and
vanilla, but no one complained. That was because both flavors
were delicious, and, if you got tired of one, you could
always choose the other. Oh, yes. There was one other
thing. The Creamy Old Ice Cream Shop was the only ice
cream shop in town. Everyone, or almost everyone, in town was
content with this.
Crisis "A Mr. Khan to see you, your Son
of Heaven-ness."
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
It happened that God took pity on the souls suffering in hell.
And he decided to let them off the hook. Literally, in some cases.
A Deep Dig
The cell chirped. I sighed. It had to be Sue, calling me in to work on
the weekend again.
Deeply Flawed
We had seats on the 50-yard line.
Defending the
Fundaments of Society "Mr. President! Mr. President!"
"Ah, yes. Always pleased to speak to members
of the Fourth Estate. How can I help you?"
"About this constitutional amendment, Mr. President
... Is it true that you're supporting it?"
Developing Eden God was so
pleased with his new creation that he just had to show it to someone.
Satan was only too happy to oblige.
Disappointment in Samara There
was once a wealthy merchant who had a faithful servant. One day,
the servant was carrying water for his master in the marketplace.
As he was struggling with his load, whom should he see but Death?
On seeing the servant, Death did a stopped suddenly and gave him a very
odd look. The servant dropped all his water immediately, and
passed some as well, in his haste to get home.
Do You Believe in Magic? "How was your
day, dear?"
"Ah, had to build another castle. I'm
exhausted."
"I thought you built him a castle yesterday."
"I did. This guy's got a fixation on castles.
My last lamplord was satisfied with heaps of gold. But not
this guy." Gene sighed and balanced delicately on the little
pointy thing genies have instead of legs.
The Dam Economy The village lay in
the shadow of a huge dam. The dam had been built to supply water
for irrigation, drinking, and fisheries. The villagers were quite
happy with it, on the whole. But lately, cracks had begun
appearing in the dam, and occasionally large chunks of dam came
tumbling to earth. This made some people a little nervous.
Dragon by the Tail Once upon
a time, in a kingdom somewhere between here and there, there
dwelt, as is so often the case in these tale thingies, a king and a
dragon. Among many others, of course. But I digress. Already. Back to
the king and dragon, then.
Eagle Eggs, $1.00 I put on the
brakes at 65 mph. What did that say? The sign was crudely made, but
provocative: Eagle Eggs, $1.00. I postponed my plans and headed down
the dirt road in the direction of the helpfully pointing arrow. I had
to meet the person who scaled the dizzying heights to plunder eagle
aeries. And then sold the eggs for a buck a piece.
Eagles, Vultures, and Chicks In the
long ago, each bird was created with a unique character and
capabilities. The
Eagle was created noblest of birds, regal of visage, swift of wing,
sharp of talon, surfer of the high winds and master of
the towering clouds. The Vulture was created the grim presence of
birds, dark of mien, foul of breath, dire of portent, client of death
and picker of carrion.
Edible Island It happened one
time that a dog, a cat, a pig, and a goat were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The animals were in danger of starving,
and were much distressed about this until they discovered a remarkable
fact: the island on which they were stranded was edible.
Enemy Worm The earthworm saw the
menacing, segmented form wriggling up from the hole opposite him.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Arborial
Beaver The Beaver family was
enjoying a restful evening at the lodge. Mom, Dad, Binkie, and Pookie
were watching "Bucktooth Survivor" on Beavervision, when Binkie brought
up the E-word.
Fair and Impartial A
merchant planned to journey to a distant city to sell his valuable
stock of silks and VCRs. The road he had to travel was notorious
for rapacious bandits, so the merchant decided to hire a guard to
protect his goods. However, he didn't want just any guard.
He wanted a trustworthy guard of good moral character. So
he advertised thus: ...
A Few Poison Apples "I
want to order one poison apple," said the Queen.
Fire Ants There was a huge fire ant
mound in the middle of the vacant lot. The family had a meeting
to discuss what to do about it.
Fire That Guy! Dear Mr.
Snerd, I
demand that you fire that so-called ventriloquist of yours, that Edgar
Bergen! All right-thinking Americans are sick and tired of his
shenanigans and sneaky dealings. His sense of humor is bad enough, but
this latest scandal is the absolute last straw.
Flip-Flopping FAQs
Q:
George Bush said that we must invade Iraq because they supported
al-Qaeda, and then it turned out that they didn't. So he said
that we had to invade because Iraq had weapons of mass
destruction. But they didn't. So he said that we had to
invade to liberate the Iraqi people because Saddam was such an awful
person. Is there a flip-flop in there?A: No. You are
confusing "flip-flops" with "lies."
The Flying Mouse
Once
upon a
time, there was a colony of mice who lived in fear of a rapacious
owl. The owl was accustomed to swooping down at any and all hours
of the night and seizing citizens of the colony without so much as a
"how do you do?" Or maybe that was a "guess who's coming to
dinner?" Well, it didn't take long before the mice got tired of
this.
Four More Years Please pardon
my smugness, but, you see, I was one of the few who got it right all
those years ago. Of course, it's easy to see now, especially from
my vantage point in heaven. My friend Soji is tugging at my
elbow. He wants me to tell you that he got it right, too.
Fox and Scorpion The Fox was foraging near the river one day when he was
accosted by a Scorpion.
Free Squawking Zone We
Free Range Chickens pride ourselves on our open society. Our Bill
of Fowl Rights guarantees us the Freedom to Squawk, if we don't like
the way the Big Cock is running things. Anyway, we elect him, and
we can unelect him,
too! So, you can imagine our dismay, when ...
Freedom of Choice Well, I might not be
much for doctors, but I figure I ought to go in for a checkup once
every four years, whether I need it or not. So, I get in there,
and the doctor sits me down right off and says, "Ok, which do you want,
cancer or multiple sclerosis?"
Frist Amendment Rights
The following is an exclusive interview of Senator Frist by Daily
Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle.
Brian Beegle: Senator, is it true that you support the "Defense
of Marriage" amendment because of the recent Supreme Court decision on
the Texas Sodomy law?
Sen. Bill Frist: Yes, Brian. That's one reason. As my
friend and fellow zealot, Rick Santorum, says, "We have now laid the
framework for rewriting marriage statutes across the country."
Frogs Once upon a time, a frog
civilization grew up in a large pot of water. As luck would have
it, a human being discovered this bonanza and discreetly moved it over
a handy flame ...
The Genie Jar
It wasn't every day that the good people of Biggle's Bottom got
company. It was even rarer that the company sported star-spangled,
flowing robes, wild, white hair, mad, glowing eyes, and ... an
odd-looking something-or-other that was covered with a cloth. Rarer
still that the company should walk directly to the mayor's house. Well,
not so much walk as stagger. And collapse on the
front steps.
The Giants Meet the Mole People
Once, there were giants in the land. They lived large. Everything they
did was big. They worked big. They played big. They ate big. They drank
big. They loved big. And, above all, they thought big. They had big
ideas. They loved big ideas, ideas like Freedom, Democracy, and the
Common Good.
Give Until It Spurts Good
grief! It was those pesky villagers again, armed with their
stakes and garlic and led by Von What's-his-name.
The Gospel According to George
Seeing the crowds of reporters, Jesus
stepped up to the mike and addressed them, saying:
"Blessed are the rich, for theirs are the means to
buy power."
Great Automobile Mechanic
"Hi! I'm Jack! I'm a great automobile mechanic!"
My friend Polly introduced me to Jack the Great
Automobile Mechanic. She and all her friends swore by his
wizardry.
The Great Boob Caper The life
of a Private Tom isn't the orgy of glamor people imagine. The pay
is low and the hours are long. That is, the hours are long when
someone actually hires you. Usually the hours are pretty much
nonexistent. Nevertheless, it had to be better than the
harrowingly unsuccessful experiences I had with a series of criminally
stupid masters. So there I was, twiddling my claws, waiting for
the big case, the one that would make it all worthwhile.
The Great Wheel of Health Insurance
I dedicate this humble offering to the memory of the late, revered
savant, Lobsang Chipotle, who explained to me the eternal cycle of
Samsura. May he be blessed with eternal enlightenment. But
I am getting a little ahead of my story. It begins with my 14th
layoff and 27th rejection for health insurance...
Halliburton Gets Texas Contract At
a joint press conference today, Texas Governor Rick Perry and
Halliburton spokesman Drace R. Hinchey announced that the state of
Texas has contracted all government functions out to Halliburton.
He Hates Me! Mom and Dad told Billy that Cousin Georgie was coming
to stay for a while. Billy was excited about having a new
playmate, even if he someone else had picked the playmate for him.
An Historic Erection I
woke up on the operating table. There was a massive gash down my
abdomen, and surgically masked figures were poking about in my innards.
Home, Safe
Home Mr. Fidget: Hello?
SecureIt Home Safety Systems? We're having a slight problem with the
home security system you installed last Tuesday.
Horsenip There was once a country named Bilgespot that
depended very heavily on its horses, which were used for both labor and
transportation. Everyone had to have at least one horse, but most
families had two or more. Considering the importance of horses in
Bilgespottian society, Bilgespottians understandably wanted maximum
output from their animals. This was a vexing problem until one
day, when an odd little man peddling an odd line of products showed up.
A Horse's Tale It
was a peculiar case from the start. The call had originated from the
old Halatasi farm, which was unlikely enough, but the 911 dispatcher
was unable to provide any detail, saying only that the caller's voice
was muffled and incoherent, and yet managed to sound indignant all the
same. It made Officer Blivitt nervous, and he unsnapped his top holster
snap as he approached the house.
How It Works
"Hey, Bink! Did you hear that the Beta Mound is dead?"
Human
Sacrifice By
order of Zebo, High Priest of the Great God Morg, the human sacrifices
commenced on the 23rd of Dwip, in the Year of the Incontinent
Marmot. And throughout the land of Ngomak, the people felt safe
again ...
Igor Beaver
I knew it! The beatings
and abuse were worth it! At
last, after all those years of faithful servitude, I have won Mahsta's
love and approval. But let me tell you the story ...
Imagine ... I didn't ask
them to take me to their leader, but they did. I guess they didn't get
much interplanetary traffic.
In Sheep's
Clothing One
day, a hungry wolf found an old, discarded sheep skin. Putting
on, he proceeded to infiltrate the sheep flock and was so successful
there that he was soon elected President of the Sheep. So he
passed out sheep skins to all his wolf buddies, invited them to come on
down, and appointed them to all the influential positions in Sheep
government.
In the Days of the Dragon Once upon a
time, in a kingdom not so far away, there dwelt a mighty dragon.
The dragon had no legal standing in the kingdom, which, like other
kingdoms, had a king and an unwieldy bureaucracy. However, the
dragon was so powerful that everyone, including the king, paid homage
to it, kowtowed to it, and in general did everything they could to make
the dragon's stay on the planet pleasant and, they hoped, nonfatal to
themselves.
In the Same Boat Six travelers were
sailing together in a small boat. A large wave crashed over the
side of the boat, partially filling it with water.
"We are in mortal peril!" cried the first passenger
and smashed a hole in the bottom of the boat forthwith. "There,"
he said with satisfaction. "Now the water can get out the bottom, and
the boat will not sink. I have saved us all. Thank me,
thank me."
Inevitable She came to me in a
tizzy. I reminded her that the Lord once came in a whirlwind, but
never, never in a tizzy. You see? Even a servant of the
Lord can have a sense of humor.
Instant Replay
"Good evening, sports fans! This is Ace Grbcz with today's
post-game wrap-up."
Intelligent Aim "We want this
irrational, unproven exercise stopped, and we want it stopped now!"
The Intentions of the
Founding Fathers The Founding Fathers are meeting in
Philadelphia ...
Jefferson: James, I have a bone to pick with you. I
think we all do, in fact.
Interview with the Justice Special to the Daily Dishrag - The
DD was on the scene as the
newest Supreme Court justice emerged from his historic confirmation and
obtained an interview unlike any granted to any other news medium ...
Junkyard Dogs Junk was the
lifeblood of Junkville. The citizens of Junkville produced
junk. They bought it, they sold it, they exchanged it. They
used it as currency. When neighbor met neighbor, they would
exchange the following cheerful greeting: "Hey, let's talk trash!"
The Killer Ducks In
a wood, at the edge of a pond, a mother duck sat on her eggs. She
felt like she was sitting on a
pile of rocks. She sighed. Incubating eggs never used to be
like this. Then she noticed the odd egg. It was about twice
the size of the others, and a shade softer than diamond. She
didn't remember laying it, and she was pretty sure she would have
noticed. But the mother duck continued to sit on her clutch
of eggs.
The Lady or the Tiger II There
was once a semi-barbaric country where conflicts of great moment were
settled by games of (supposedly) impartial and (theoretically)
incorruptible chance. So, for example, if a married couple wanted
to divorce, the rights and wrongs of the matter and who got what pieces
of real estate and which kids were settled by coin flips, rather than
by lengthy litigation involving expensive attorneys. And the
results were no worse.
The
Legend of the Bluebonnet (Revised) Once upon a time in Texas,
before the coming of the White Man, the
Great Spirit caused a great drought to ravage the land. The members of
the Cuddashuddawudda tribe were grievously affected, and they appealed
to their shaman to find a solution.
Let the Healing Begin
The Crown Prince was bleeding. While this may not be a major
problem in most families, in certain royal families, it can be
catastrophic ...
A Letter to the Editor Dear Sir:
I must protest most vehemently the loss of manners among our youth and
the demise of propriety among our poets!
Liberty Roulette It was a
lovely spring afternoon, and the park was overflowing with picnickers,
each ladling potato salad into his mouth with one hand and pointing a
gun at his head with the other. The click-click of the tripping
hammers seemed to keep time with the chirp-chirp of the birds.
Occasionally, there was a discordant "boom," but it did nothing to
disturb the tranquil festivity of the day.
The Lion, the Mouse, and the Thorn Once
upon a time, there was a powerful Lion who ruled the animal kingdom
with
a mighty paw and a dense skull.
Little Bo George Cries Wolf
Once upon a time, there was a peaceful community
that depended on wool for its livelihood. Since sheep were such a
vital resource for this society, Head Shepherd was a powerful and
coveted position. To ensure that their sheep received the best
care and protection, the people elected the Head Shepherd every four
years.
The Little Dutch Boy Revisited
"Don't be absurd," said the Sensible Citizen. "Get
your finger out of that hole immediately! Dikes are the
responsibility of the Greater Netherlands Dike Authority. You're
meddling in things that are not your concern."
Little Shop of Whores It
was a porticoed, antebellum mansion. Its location is not important,
and I could not bear the guilt of having directed anyone to that
ill-omened place, so suffice to say, it was somewhere along the
Potomac. The structure had become dilapidated with the years, but it
housed a flourishing business and exuded a sort of fin-de-siecle
elegance that puffed its clientele up with a feeling of importance. And
what clientele! They came only from the highest echelons of society.
For many years, that is. Until the days of decay, until ...
Looking after the Chickens There
was once a farmer who loved his chickens above all other animals.
"Nothing's too good for my chickens," he said, and had a
state-of-the-art chicken facility built. "Yard" just didn't do
justice to this wonder of chicken opulence. The new facility had
automated egg-gathering, automated feeding, and automated waste
disposal. It had luxurious hen houses with shiny new fixtures,
chicken saunas, chicken massage, and Grade A straw for nests. It
had everything a chicken could desire. Except one.
Luigi A worm I was born, and a worm I
remain. My Ma-pa always said,
"Luigi, be proud of who you are," and I took that advice to
heart. I remember she-he even said it as the bird was carrying
her-him off. So, no matter how rich and powerful I later became,
I never forgot where I came from.
Lying Down with Pigs
Jethro had a preference for pigs. It wasn't just that he liked
there swinely grace or the noble turn of their snouts or even their
above average intelligence. Jethro loved pork, and not only for
breakfast. He liked to get down in the mud with it.
The Mad Dog Catcher
In the old days, wild dogs roamed freely over the land. They trampled
crops, devoured livestock, attacked anyone who ventured outside, and
even broke into houses to terrorize the inhabitants. Clearly, something
had to be done. And it was.
The Magic Fish Once upon a time there
lived a poor fisherman and his wife. The fisherman had two
glaring deficiencies that prevented him from ever getting ahead:
he was hardworking and honest. Fortunately, he had a wife who was
always eager to remind him of his shortcomings.
The Magnificent Golden Stag
No one knows exactly when the Magnificent Golden Stag first appeared in
our kingdom, but everyone knows that he has always been a bright beacon
to us, a bringer of hope, peace, and prosperity. When the people were
parched and perishing from the Great Drought, the appearance of the
Magnificent Golden Stag signaled the onset of rain. When the country
was wracked by seemingly interminable war, a sighting of the
Magnificent Golden Stag was followed by an armistice and a long period
of peace. There is no need for me to detail all the wondrous and
magical benefits this beloved beast has brought to us.
The Mandate of Heaven
Hi. God here. Generally, I eschew hobnobbing with the hoi
polloi, preferring to chat only with my special favorites, the ones who
appreciate my true vengeful nature, but I just had to make an exception
today. That's because my good buddy, Pat Robertson, reminded me
of the old Mandate of Heaven days in China.
Mandatory Oaths Special to the Daily Dishrag -
As Texas students prepare to return to school this fall, Daily Dishrag
reporter Brian Beegle caught up with Texas Governor Rick Perry, also
known as "Governor Goodhair," to discuss Texas Senate Bill 83, which
requires all students to observe one minute of silence each day,
following a recitation of the pledges of allegiance to the United
States and Texas flags.
The Marvelous Tree It was
really a quite ordinary looking tree standing among other ordinary
looking trees. It was neither taller nor sturdier than its
companions. Its fruit, however, had peculiar properties not
shared by the other trees, as the people learned long ago.
Matches Once upon a time, there were two scarecrows named Billy Joe
and Billy Jack. When the farmer was making them, he ran out of
straw, with the result that Billy Joe and Billy Jack had only three
legs between them. Aside from completely superseding the phrase
"joined at the hip," this circumstance had some unfortunate
consequences. When Billy Joe wanted to go left, Billy Jack wanted
to go right. When Billy Joe sat down, Billy Jack stood up.
When Billy Joe zigged, you could be sure that Billy Jack was
zagging. All of this was exacerbated by the fact that Billy Joe
and Billy Jack hated each other's guts. Or each other's straw,
rather. And it would do no good for someone to point out that it
was the same straw.
Memories of the
Golden Age He is knone as the Evil One, the
Adversary, the Deceiver. And sometimes, oddly, as the
Simpleton. His real name, hoever, has been taboo for so long that
it has been svalloed in the mists of time.
TheMiers Nomination: A Translation for
the Politically Hearing-Impaired
George W. Bush: Harriet Miers is an outstanding Nominee for the United
States Supreme Court.
Translation: She will vote to overturn Roe v Wade.
Murky Intelligence
Special to the Daily Dishrag - On
July 27, 2003, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz declared that
the United States must be prepared to act on "murky" intelligence in
its war on terrorism. The following is an exclusive interview of
Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz by Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle.
NEMS to the Rescue I
was surprised at the massive and rapid response. There were EMS guys
everywhere. Two of them had me down on the floor and immobilized faster
than a rodeo cowboy can truss up a pig. And the thing was, it wasn't
even a bad paper cut.
The New York Times Covers the Emperor's New
Clothes When the Emperor set forth clad in the
altogether, he made this statement: "I am dressed in magical
clothes that are critical to national security. Anyone who claims
not to be able to see my garments is a traitor and a terrorist."
No More Nukes! Good
evening. As the Chair of No
More Nukes!, it is my signal honor to present to you our plan
for eliminating nuclear power and its attendant expenses,
inefficiencies, and dangers from our lives.
No Receipt When Joe deposited his
check at the bank, he was in for a surprise.
Nothing in the Cookie Jar
Mom always let the kids help bake the cookies. That way, everyone
earned their cookies, and everyone had a stake in the cookie supply.
Everyone had a job: gathering ingredients, mixing, rolling, cutting,
baking, and so forth.
Old News Special to the Daily Dishrag
- The Daily Dishrag obtained this
exclusive interview with Iranian spokesperson Ali Ali Aksinfri. The
subject is White House criticism of the recent Iranian elections.
One Billy Goat Not So Gruff
It was one of those lovely, care-free spring days, and the little billy
goat, after frolicking happily through the fields, had begun to frolic
happily across a quaint little bridge with a really stunning scenic
view. As the little billy goat paused to enjoy that stunning view, it
was abruptly interrupted by a large, troll-shaped obstruction. Ah, yes.
Care-free was the day, but not, unfortunately, troll-free.
The Only
Medicine That Works There was once a small kingdom located by
a beautiful lake. The water of the lake was cool, crystal clear,
and plentiful, and it amply provided all the liquid needs of the
kingdom. The people of the kingdom called it "our beautiful,
crystal clear lake."
The Only Thing The Lions and the
Bears played touch football after school almost every day. Sometimes
the Bears won, and sometimes the Lions won. And it was lots of fun.
Until the Big Kids showed up.
Operation CATNIP
General Jehosaphat Whisker Puss peered over the privacy fence. The
enemy was sprawled out on its back, napping heedlessly in the afternoon
sun. But this was no time for careless confidence!
A Plague of Rats The town of
Ashweip was plagued by rats. They got into every building, every
room, every locked and guarded space. They crawled through the
plumbing, climbed inside the walls, and danced in the living rooms.
Everyone agreed that something had to be done.
Playing Hardball It seems like I spent my whole life chasing the
Boomtown Bombers, but it didn't matter. Playing baseball was all
I ever wanted to do. It's the greatest game ever invented.
I still say that. So what if I played for the Burlap
Longstockings instead of the perennial pennant winners? But it
did get old sometimes.
Pangeorgia's Box In
the early days, the gods gave humankind peace, plenty, happiness, and
good health. And experimented with the nastier stuff.
The Park of the Ark It came to
pass that the myriad animal species were in danger of being
hunted to extinction. And the people were alarmed. And it happened that
one kind soul proposed a revolutionary solution.
The Porridge Purveyors of Pooba
Once upon a time, in the tiny town of Pooba, there lived a poor
old woman and her nine year old daughter, henceforward to be known as
"the little girl." Just how an old woman came to have a nine year
old daughter is never explained. Let's just say that the trials
of poverty made the woman old before her time, and leave it at that.
As for their poverty, I should explain that being poor in Pooba
was the rule rather than the exception, and that there was a very good
reason for this. You see, the economy of Pooba was in the hands
of a few wealthy porridge merchants known as the Porridge Purveyors of
Pooba, or the PPP. The reason that the PPP exercised so much
influence in Pooba is that porridge was the staple of the town, and
since they held a virtual monopoly on porridge, they could and did
charge extortionate rates for their goods.
Pot and Kettle Special
to the Daily Dishrag - Following his harrowing escape from Guantanamo
Bay, reporter Brian Beegle has been temporarily restricted to less
trying assignments. This is his first fluff piece.
Brian Beegle: Mr. Pot, it has been reported that you described
the Kettle as being black. Is this true?
Professor
Peabody's Magic Elixir Thank
heavens for Professor Peabody.
Without him, there's no telling what trouble I'd be in.
The
Protectors Gertie
didn't like the new Masters. They frightened her.
Quick
Action Saves US from Terrorist Attack September
21, 2004 - The United States was spared another cataclysmic terrorist
attack today, thanks to quick action by the FBI. Unable to locate
Osama bin Laden after more than three years, US security apparatchiks
were able to redeem themselves by bagging Yusuf Islam, formerly known
by the alias of "Cat Stevens."
Rara Avis From
the beginning, that one egg looked odd. Gladys had a full clutch,
and that one was almost the right size and almost the right
color. Almost. But not quite. And it looked ...
leathery.
Representative Democracy
"So, it looks like this guy is going to be a Supreme, huh?"
A
Revised - Not Revisionist - History of the United States in World War II
Wallace: Mr. President! Mr.
President! Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor!
FDR: Oh, dear! Hide me! Hide me!
Revised Rules
"Ah, ha! Caughtcha! I go up the mountain for a lousy 40
days, and what do you do? Run off and make false gods, that's
what! I can't leave you alone for two minutes, can I?"
The Rodent Extractor When
Master called me into his study, I was expecting a good scratch behind
the ears. But he was wearing a "no kitty treats today" expression.
The Rules It wasn't at the
expected location, and we were starting to get desperate.
The S-Word of Damocles Dionysius the tyrant was just sitting down to breakfast
when his toady Damocles walked in.
Save the Goats The
farm animals were having a meeting to discuss the goat tethering
problem. Baaarbara the sheep was presiding.
Seals, Sharks, and Orcas The
Shark stuck its Great White Snout out of the water.
A Seaworthy Vessel Elroy and
Hazel had always wanted to go on a Caribbean cruise, but they never
seemed to have the time or money. Finally, after 20 years of
marriage, they decided to take the plunge. They booked a berth on
the Imperial Overlord because
all their friends recommended it.
Second Amendment Rites Katelyn lost
another AK-47 at school today. That girl couldn't hang on to a
weapon if her life depended on it. Which it does.
The Semi and the Bicycle I'm
here to interview Mr. J. P. Righteous, but before I begin, I had better
describe this location to you. We are standing in the middle of a
rather narrow two-lane roadway, along with dozens of other
people. There are high, sheer walls on either side, so that no
one can simply step off the road. Behind us, the road ends
abruptly with a sheer and towering drop-off. In front of us, a
large semi tractor trailer is just coming into view. It's going,
oh, I'd say about 80 miles an hour. Alongside it is a
bicycle. Hey, don't ask me
how it keeps up, but it does.
A Simple Up or Down Vote The
lone man rose and bowed stiffly
to the presiding official.
The Sins of CBS Special to the
Daily Dishrag - In the wake of the controversy regarding the allegedly
bogus George Bush National Guard documents, the Daily Dishrag's own
Brian Beegle obtained an exclusive interview with Constitutional and
media legal expert Professor Alastair Inksteighn-Retch.
Smoking Gun "Sheriff, I demand to
know why you haven't arrested Black Bart for murdering my
husband!"
Snake Oil Once upon a time, all the
animals in the barnyard got together to elect a leader. After
much debate
and many nominations, they settled on Bobo the Parrot. Bobo
stayed mostly at the farmhouse, so he wasn't really a farm animal, but
he was a good speaker, even if his words weren't really his own.
Snuffem & Stuffem The funeral parlor was the most prominent building in
town. That's probably why I went there first.
The State of Notaxes What
a relief it was to cross the border into the great state of
Notaxes. It had been a long journey down from Massataxes, where
the only thing certain was death by taxes. At last, Marge and
little Johnny and I could breathe free again.
Staying
the Course I was taking my morning
constitutional one day, when I came upon a gang of toughs beating up
some poor slob. A second gang had taken an interest and were
gradually edging toward the scene of the action. A large crowd of
by-standers had gathered to watch.
Staying the Odyssey Most
students of literature are aware of the trials endured by the hero
Odysseus in his journey from Troy to his home in Ithaca. But you
know, it isn't that far from Troy to Ithaca. As Odysseus's wife
Penelope so succinctly put it, "What took you so long? What, you
couldn't pick up a phone once in a while? A telemakhos, you
couldn't send me? How about a little letter?" Ok, maybe she
wasn't so succinct. But why did
Odysseus's journey take so long? Perhaps this will clear a few
things up ...
Strong Leader,
Conservative Values, Man of God Two men
vie for the people's support. I am amazed that any clear-thinking
person could have any question as to whom to follow.
Supporting
the Pledge The irate parent dragged me out of
class just before the daily flag ceremony.
Swatting Silver Bullets
"Yes, Officer? How can I help you?"
"I just wanted to talk to you about that bit of
unpleasantness where you ran a stop sign and killed six people, Mr.
Biggs. Do you have a minute?"
This Guy's Falling It was election time
in the chicken yard. The chickens didn't elect a president every
day, so this was an awesome event. The candidate from the
Strutter Party was Beauregard. The Pecker Party candidate was
Erasmus. They were the two biggest cocks in the yard. Or in
any yard, for that matter.
The Three Rules of Frankenotics They laughed
at me at the university. But then, they laughed at me in high
school, too. And junior high, and elementary, and ... But
it wasn't personal, so it was all right. Anyway, it didn't have a
thing to do with my ideas about the reanimation of dead matter, and
that's what I really want to talk about. You see, I am the Father
of Frankenotics. You haven't heard of Frankenotics? Ok,
allow me to explain. Uh, you won't laugh at me, will you?
Three Wishes The big guy almost
bowled me over. It wasn't so much his size, although he was some
twenty feet
high, or even his appearance, although his robe and turban were
certainly striking. It was his full-bodied, self-confident
bluster that nearly landed me on my bottom. That, and the fact
that he more or less appeared out of nowhere.
Tick Nation "Mom! Mom! There's a
big, fat tick on TV!"
Tilting at Dragons I
hesitated briefly before letting the knocker fall. I couldn't set
off on such an important dragon-slaying assignment without soliciting
the counsel and support of my good friend and next door neighbor, but I
hated to awaken him so early in the morning. I needn't have
worried.
The Time Has Come "You know,"
mused the Walrus, "there are a few things I've been wondering
about. That is, ever since you ... became President of the United
States of Through the Looking Glass."
Tip of the Iceberg I don't
think I was supposed to hear it, but there you are. I was just
strolling on the deck, enjoying the view, when I overheard the Captain
and the 2nd Mate.
Titanic Dick My name
is Ishmael, but call me Idiot. Some years ago, no matter how
many, I booked a voyage on the
hottest new ocean liner in the fleet. It's name was the
Titanic , but call it Pile of Crap. Our captain was a
one-legged
psychopath named Ahab. I won't presume to tell you what to call
him.
Too Controversial "What do
you mean, you can't broadcast this?"
"It's way too
controversial, sir. CBS can't be responsible for spreading stuff
like this."
Too Expensive I was just
settling in to a nice swamp bath and placidly nibbling leaves from the
top of a handy tree, when Terry wheeled overhead and let out a screech.
Top Ten
Reasons for Deporting Cat Stevens Under pressure from legal
action initiated by Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, the US
Department of Homeland Security released the following justifications
for the recent deportation of the former pop star:
Toward More Stately Palaces
Once upon a time (it must have been very long ago), in a rather
unextraordinary little country (it must have been very far away), there
lived a peaceful and industrious, yet discontented, people. The people
were discontented because they were rootless and unfocused.
Fortunately, there were among them some wise Architects, and the
Architects had an idea.
The Triumph of the Mice “Rats!” said the
mouse.
“Prime Minister Nibbles?” squeaked the Home Minster
of Fromagia.
“Those pompous, self-righteous, overgrown rodents
refuse - refuse - to sell us their feline technology,” groused
Nibbles. “They want to keep all the power over on the other side of the
pond. Imagine! How are we supposed to protect ourselves from the vile
Rodentian insectivores on our very borders!”
Trolls 'n' Tolls In the dim
long ago, there was a city of many bridges. When people first
started building the bridges, it was possible simply to walk from one
side of a bridge to the other, with no impediments. Then -
perhaps it was in the nature of bridges - two sorts of beast began to
stake claims to these architectural structures: the trolls and
the Metropolitan Transit Authority.
The True Story of Theseus and
the Minotaur In the olden days, the city of Athens paid to
King Minos of Crete an annual tribute of fourteen youths, seven male
and seven female. The destination of these youths was the dinner
table of one of the great monsters of myth, the Minotaur. Some
Athenians were a trifle upset about that.
U. S. Turns Power Over to Saddam
The Bush administration announced today that it had sacked the entire
Iraqi Governing Council and returned power to Saddam Hussein in a brief
ceremony. Presidents Bush and Saddam were seen smiling broadly,
shaking hands, and kissing each other on both cheeks. By way of
explanation, Vice President Dick Cheney remarked, "One thing you've got
to say for those Baathists: They sure know how to keep
order. Al-Sadr'll never know what hit him."
Twisting Words As election day
approaches, the charges and counter-charges fly thick and fast.
How are the voters to know the truth? Fortunately, we, the
even-handed and impartial media, are here to separate the wheat from
the chaff.
Unelectable Transylvania used to
be a nice place to live. That was before that fateful election.
Uprising at Possum's
Backside Black Bart was the meanest, orneriest, nastiest,
unhygienic-ist outlaw west of the Pecos. Really. You can
check it out on page 247 of What's
That? Some guy on the Potomac is listed as meanest,
orneriest, nastiest, unhygienic-ist east
of the Pecos, but Black Bart is appealing. Well, no one that
disgusting could actually be appealing,
but he's filed a protest. But I digress.
Usable The Roach King had called a
plenary session of the Roach Council. There were waving feelers
and chitinous
exoskeletons as far as the eye could see. The air was filled with
sounds of respectful rustling and raucous cheers.
Utopia Every four years, the Dragons
and the Dogs vied to win the favor of the people of Utopia. The
winners got to be the people's protectors for the next four
years. The people needed protection from the neighboring Trolls,
so it would seem that the Dragons vs. Dogs contest should be a slam
dunk for the Dragons. After all, who wouldn't feel more secure
with a Dragon protector? But then, there was the vexed question
of the Wizards ...
Victory Georgie, Donny, and Bobby
were playing in the yard, when Georgie noticed a hornet nest in a tree
a short
stone's throw away.
"Hey," said Georgie, picking up a rock, "I bet I can hit that."
Wagging Me and Bowser have been a team
since birth. At first, Bowser used to call the shots because I
was kind of runty. He would drag me around wherever he felt like,
shake me from side to side, and sometimes even chase me. I had to
teach him who was boss.
Wake-Up Call
"Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Walk Like a Duck "Quack,
quack," said the rooster.
"Jake," said I, "I have some bad news for you."
Water Conservation
"Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President. It is urgent that I speak to
you on the matter of water conservation."
Waterloo
"Say, Nigel, do you remember the Battle of Waterloo?"
Waterwhat?
February 1, 1973 - Activist Judge John Sirica lynched by rampaging mob
of patriots chanting "Support the President! Support the
President."
Weapons of Mass Destruction Found
March 3, 2004 - The White House announced today that the missing Iraqi
weapons of mass destruction have been found in Alabama. According
to White House spokesman Arty Stonewall, the elusive WMDs were
discovered at Anniston Army Depot thanks to a harmless leak of deadly
sarin nerve gas. When asked how the leak could be simultaneously
harmless and deadly, Mr. Stonewall stated, "Saddam and his henchman hid
these hideous weapons in ordinary fruit juice cartons and handed them
over to Al Qaeda operatives, who smuggled them into the very heart of
American democracy, while John Kerry shmoozed with Jane Fonda."
Wool There was once a flock of Sheep that
came under the care of a Sheepdog.
"You have to give me all
your wool," said the Sheepdog.
"Why should we do that?"
asked the Sheep.
When Crabs Ruled This
is a story of the days when crabs ruled Crustacea. Some say the
crabs were called to rule because they were the wisest of
Crustaceans. Others say that no one else wanted the job.
When the Lion Was a Vegetarian
Once upon a time, in the great Long Ago, the Lion was not the fierce
and savage beast we know today. Oh, he had the massive muscles,
the deafening roar, the razor claws, and the terrible teeth. But,
due to his placid personality and mild manner, none of the other
animals feared him. And oh, yes. He was a vegetarian.
Where's WaMDo? This
is a fun book, boys and girls. The object is to find WaMDo in
each of the exciting pictures. But WaMDo is very cleverly hidden,
so look closely ...
The Wonderful Wizard of Ooze The chronicles of Dorothy of Kansas and her
adventures in the Land of Oz are well known. What is less well known is
that, on the very day that Dorothy and her house were carried away by
the tornado, another girl named Dorothy from a neighboring farm
was also carried away, house and all, by the very same tornado. The
second Dorothy was not dropped in the Land of Oz, however. The tornado
still had enough punch to carry the second Dorothy to a land beyond Oz,
over the rainbow, over, in fact, the edge. This is the story of that
Dorothy...
Your
Fault! A merchant came to market to sell his wares. He
carried all the materials needed to set up his stall, and he led a
large bull.