copyright © 2002 by Robert L. Blau

    Seeing the crowds of reporters, Jesus stepped up to the mike and addressed them, saying:
    "Blessed are the rich, for theirs are the means to buy power.
    "Blessed are those who party hardy, for they shall get a righteous buzz.
    "Blessed are the aggressive, for they know how to strike first.
    "Blessed are those with a full belly, for they need not concern themselves with the world's pathetic losers.
    "Blessed are the vengeful, for they shall kick ass.
    "Blessed are the arrogant, for they know that theirs is the only way.
    "Blessed are the warmongers, for  they shall rule the world.
    "Blessed are those who persecute for their own gain, for theirs is the kingdom of earth.
    "If you suspect someone might be contemplating striking you on the right cheek, torch his ass immediately.  If anyone might sue you and take your coat, invade in force and seize his oil reserves.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, drag him behind your pickup for two miles.  Incarcerate him who begs from you, and ensure a high interest rate and favorable conditions from him who would borrow from you.
    "Judge preemptively, before anyone has a chance to judge you.  Take the log from your own eye and whack your brother upside the head with it, but be careful not to dislodge the speck in his eye, lest you have nothing to berate him for.
    "Ask, and if it is not given to you, take it by force; knock, and if it is not opened to you, kick the door in; seek, and if you do not find, blame someone else that you can find.
    "Do others before they do you, for this is the law of the profits.
    "Beware of false prophets, other than me.  You will know them by their disagreement with me.  They belong to the Axis of Evil.  They may claim the right to arm themselves, but only I have that right.
    "Everyone who hears my words and does as I say will be like a house that is not demolished by mortar fire.  Everyone who doesn't do as I say will be like a house on ground zero when the Big One explodes.  And they may actually be on ground zero when the Big One explodes."
    And when Jesus finished, the press corps was amazed, because they had never heard anything like it before.  And they printed it and disseminated it throughout the land, that all the people might be enlightened.  Some there were who thought this was a load of codswallop, but they belonged to the Axis of Evil, so no one paid them much mind.