staying the odyssey

Staying the Odyssey

    Most students of literature are aware of the trials endured by the hero Odysseus in his journey from Troy to his home in Ithaca. But you know, it isn't that far from Troy to Ithaca. As Odysseus's wife Penelope so succinctly put it, "What took you so long? What, you couldn't pick up a phone once in a while? A telemakhos, you couldn't send me? How about a little letter?" Ok, maybe she wasn't so succinct. But why did Odysseus's journey take so long? Perhaps this will clear a few things up ...

    With the Trojans' hash well and truly settled, Odysseus was eager to return to his wife and son. He fairly flew up the gangplank of his vessel, ready to cast off for home. And almost missed the unfamiliar crew member.
    "Uh, who's this?" asked Odysseus. "I'm the Captain here, and I ought to know everyone who's sailing on my ship."
    "Actually," said Eurylokhos, Odysseus's faithful lieutenant, "we decided we wanted a different Captain. This is Georgina the Tone-deaf Siren. She's the new Captain."
    "What ...?" sputtered Odysseus. "This is an outrage! You can't elect your own Captain!"
    "Oh, we didn't," replied Eurylokhos. "Me and a couple of the guys chose her. Don't worry. You can still come along."
    "Hey, what does the rest of the crew think about this?" demanded Odysseus.
    "We're split," offered Elpenor, who was one of the crew. "About 50 - 50. A lot of us think that Georgina is the right leader for these times."
    "What times?" squealed Odysseus. "What makes these times different from any other times?"
    "Oh, it's the pirates," said Eurylokhos. "Georgina can fight the pirates better. She knows all about sea-faring and pirates and all that."
    "Well, if it's pirates you're worried about," said Odysseus, "I can handle that better than she can. I'm a veteran of the Trojan War. What was Georgina doing during the war, huh?"
    "Luring vessels onto the rocks," said Georgina the Tone-deaf Siren. "I'm very proud of my service record."
    "Only singing wasn't exactly her forte," explained Elpenor. "Seeing as she can't carry a tune. That's why she's here instead."
    "Cast off! Cast off!" wailed Georgina. "Stay the course! Stay the course!"
    "What course?" snapped Odysseus.
    "Oh, the one I've decided on," said Georgina.
    "And what are your plans for fighting pirates, huh?"
    "Got it covered," droned Georgina. "Piece of cake."
    "Piece of cake, is it?" growled Odysseus.
    "Now, that doesn't mean it won't take a very long time," added Georgina quickly. "At least long enough to reach Sicily."
    "Sicily?" screamed Odysseus. "We're going to Ithaca!"
    "No," insisted Georgina, "we have to go fight pirates in Sicily."
    "What does Sicily have to do with pirates?" objected Odysseus. "There aren't any pirates in Sicily! Anyway, if we want to fight pirates, we'll have to take on more crew and sharpen our weapons."
    "Nope," insisted Georgina. "Everything's perfect the way it is. You're so pessimistic. Right. Sicily it is."
    "Um, if I may interject something here ..."
    It was Phil, the ship's cartographer.
    "But we have no business going to Sicily ..."
    "Got to fight the pirates there, or next thing you know, they'll be attacking the Greek homeland ..."
    "There's this great, big whirlpool dead ahead," continued Phil. "With a monster at the bottom. And by the way, Sicily is where the Sirens are. So, if we ever got there, we'd just get smashed on the rocks. Uh, is anyone listening?"
    "More crew, sharper weapons, and sticking to real pirates. And going home to Ithaca! That's what we've got to do!"
    "No, no, no! I've got this covered!"
    "Uh, the name of the monster is Charybdis, if that's any help," Phil persisted. "I think you've all heard of it. It'll suck us down like an olive."
    "You don't know anything at all about fighting pirates!"
    "Says you! I wrote the book on fighting pirates!"
    "And if we should be lucky enough to miss Charybdis, which it looks like we won't be," continued Phil, mopping his brow, "there's a huge, ugly, six-headed monster named Scylla, who just loves to eat sailors ..."
    "You've got the ship outfitted all wrong..."
    "Do not! Do not!"
    "Look, can we change course a little?" Phil pleaded. "Like, right now?"
    "Stay the course!" bawled Georgina. "You wouldn't want to be a flip-flopper, would you?"
    "Hmm," mumbled the crew. "That would be unmanly. What does Odysseus say?"
    "Well, of course, we have to stay the course ...," agreed Odysseus. "Georgina just doesn't know how to fight pirates. That's what we have to settle!"
    "What about all the monsters?" begged Phil. "Why isn't anyone talking about the monsters?"


Why not, indeed? Why are our presidential candidates debating tactics in an immoral, illegal, disastrous war instead of at least discussing the quickest way out of it? Why aren't they discussing the gathering crisis of global warming, beside which all the terrorists in the world pale into insignificance? Why aren't the Democrats, at least, discussing the Republican assault on American democracy?