Mandatory Oaths

                                                                                       copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

Special to the Daily Dishrag - As Texas students prepare to return to school this fall, Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle caught up with Texas Governor Rick Perry, also known as "Governor Goodhair," to discuss Texas Senate Bill 83, which requires all students to observe one minute of silence each day, following a recitation of the pledges of allegiance to the United States and Texas flags.

Brian Beegle:  Governor, how do you get your hair to stay that way?

Gov. Rick Perry:  Trade secret, Brian.  But we're not here to discuss my hair, gorgeous though it is.  Ha, ha.

BB:  Governor, could you explain what the minute of silence is about?

RP:  In these trying times, it is incumbent on all of us to call upon Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  He disapproves of our keeping Him out of our schools, you know.  And I know the public is ready to throw themselves on the mercy of our Lord, but the evil liberal courts are making things difficult.

BB:  That would be like the Rehnquist Supreme Court?

RP:  Exactly!  So, there are a few minor obstacles in the way of our making an unequivocal appeal to Jesus in the public schools.

BB:  Like the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States?

RP:  Right.  Communist agenda.  Excuse me.  Terrorist agenda.  Anyway, we have to take this one step at a time.  This year, it's a minute of silence.  Next time, maybe we'll shoot for voluntary, student-led prayer during the minute of silence.  By then, we should have a more compliant Supreme Court.

BB:  Ah, I see.  And Muslim students will be allowed to bring prayer rugs, wash before praying, and pray at their prescribed times?

RP:  Of course not, Brian.

BB:  Why not?  

RP:  What about the name "Jesus Christ" did you not understand?

BB:  So, how about the mandatory pledge of allegiance to the U.S. flag?

RP:  That's "Flag," Brian.  Capital "F."  Shame on you.  I think this one is obvious.  We have to make our kids patriotic.

BB:  "Make" them patriotic, Governor?

RP:  Of course.  Patriotism has to be required by law.  No one becomes patriotic without having it drummed into them.  It's much like democratic government.  You have to make people behave democratically.  Give 'em an inch, and they'll screw it up.

BB:  Like in Iraq?

RP:  Good point, Brian!

BB:  Outside of the United States, it's hard to find a country that requires daily oaths of allegiance from its citizenry.  The one that keeps popping up is Turkmenistan, an autocratic Muslim country in Central Asia.  There, the people who are arrested and harassed for failure to comply are typically Christians.

RP:  I'll have my friend George conquer them as soon as he's finished with Iran.

BB:  But doesn't this point up a weakness in the mandatory oath scheme?  And isn't it an argument for the separation of church and state?

RP:  Absolutely not, Brian.  There is no comparison between the two situations.  Listen carefully:  We're the good guys, they're the bad guys.  Get it?  U.S. good, Turkmenistan bad.  Christian good, Muslim bad.  It's very simple.  Anyway, the Texas law allows kids to abstain from either or both of the oaths, if their parents request it in writing.

BB:  Oh, well.  That is better, I suppose.

RP:  And it's a good way to flush out the unpatriotic parents, too!  Hee, hee!  Now, we're going to have a written record of the terrorist sympathizers.

BB:  Don't you think those parents are just exercising Constitutional rights?  Not to mention the right to keep you out of their business?

RP:  No.  Terrorists, for sure.

BB:  Well, how about the pledge of allegiance to the Texas flag, Governor?  That one seems the most peculiar of all.

RP:  Tut, tut, Brian!  There you go with the lower case "f" again!  But I'll let it go this time.  The pledge to the Texas Flag is really important.

BB:  Um, ... how?

RP:  Consider this, Brian.  The states of Oklahoma and New Mexico have been harboring known terrorists.

BB:  Do you mean the Democratic legislators who skipped the state to thwart Tom Delay's redistricting partisan power play?

RP:  Bingo, Brian.  Although I don't care for your choice of words.  That should be, "the legitimate business of the State of Texas."

BB:  So, what does that have to do with the pledge to the state, er, Flag?

RP:  The kids have to know where their loyalties lie.  The state of Texas has adopted a policy of anticipatory self-defense against such rogue states as Oklahoma and New Mexico.  Tanks could roll into New Mexico as early as September 1, when I call the next special session of the Texas legislature.  Some of today's students may be called upon to give their lives for Republican seats in the U.S. House of Representatives.

BB:  So, let me get one thing clear, Governor.  All Texans are being called upon to pledge allegiance to the, uh, Flag of Texas. I take this to be symbolic for the state of Texas.  So, everyone should put petty personal or party interests behind the interests of the state.  For example, if some Washington honcho wanted you to waste millions of tax dollars to give him a partisan advantage in Washington, you would be obliged to turn him down.  Is that right?

RP:  You've made several factual errors there, Brian.  In the first place, not all Texans have to take the pledge.  Just the kids. Certainly not me.  My deal is with Tom Delay.  Signed in blood, as a matter of fact.  He's kept his end - made me Governor of Texas.  Now, I'm keeping my end.  Tom said it was such a tiny thing, I'd hardly miss it.  And you know what?  He was right!