When Crabs Ruled
                                                                                       copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    This is a story of the days when crabs ruled Crustacea.  Some say the crabs were called to rule because they were the wisest of Crustaceans.  Others say that no one else wanted the job.
    Actually, it was any of three crabs who ruled, depending on the will of the people.  That is, the populace.  Let's say the citizenry.  The three crabs were known by the color and appearance of their shells.  The first had a smooth white shell and was known as Smooth White.  The second had a spiky brown shell, so he was called Spike Brown.  The third had a bumpy reddish shell.  That made him Bumpy Red.
    Besides their distinctive shell names, the crabs were also known for their distinctive political philosophies.  Bumpy Red was a crab of the people.  The citizenry.  He promised carrion, algae, and plankton for all and brotherhood with all arthropods.  Smooth White called that fuzzy, liberal thinking, and he called Bumpy Red the crab with his feelers out of the water.  He promised responsible government, government for the up-standing crabs who worked hard to find their carrion, with no coddling of crustaceans who just sat under a rock and waited for the plankton to float by.  On the other hand, Bumpy Red called Smooth White the crab with a rod up his shell.
    That brings us to Spike Brown, who was a crab of an entirely different stripe.  He promised a Greater Crustacea, with the Crustaceans ruling all marine arthropods.  He attacked the Horseshoe crabs and revoked all individual Crustacean rights because of the war.   Spike Brown was only elected once.  He had just about wiped out the horseshoe crabs when most of the Crustaceans got together and kicked him out.  Spike Brown was considered the archetype for an evil ruler.  The mere mention of his name evoked expressions of horror and revulsion.
    In the meantime, the voters alternated between electing Bumpy and Smooth, depending on how things were going.  Usually, they elected one when they had become thoroughly pissed off at the other because he had been in office too long.
    So this would be the end of the story, except for one insignificant detail I forgot to mention.  Bumpy, Smooth, and Spike were hermit crabs.  It turned out that Bumpy Red was the first to outgrow his shell, and he moved into an odd-looking yellow shell.  Smooth White, who was also feeling a bit uncomfortable in his shell, moved into the bumpy red shell.  As it happened, Spike Brown was hanging around when this shell-changing was going on.  Spike occupied the smooth white shell with alacrity.
    The next election witnessed a new candidate, who came to be known as Curious Yellow.  No one would take Curious Yellow seriously.
    "We only have the two candidates," they said. "Bumpy Red and Smooth White."
    "I will lead Crustacea to a new level of leadership among the marine arthropods," said Smooth White. "I will bring peace, prosperity, and everything else anyone wants.  And kick some butt, too."
    "I'll do all that, too," said Bumpy Red. "I've matured, and I'm going to be just like Smooth White, except better."
    "But I'm the real Bumpy Red," said Curious Yellow. "That guy's just wearing my old shell.  I am the candidate of the working Crustacean.  I will look out for the interests of all Crustaceans, as I always have.  Don't fall for their shell game!"
    "You're not Bumpy Red," said the Crustaceans. "You're Curious Yellow.  Anyone can see that."
    So the Crustaceans elected Smooth White to be ruler, or so they thought.
    "It's time to build Greater Crustacea!" declared Smooth White on his inauguration.
    "Rah, rah!" cheered the Crustaceans.
    "The mollusks want to destroy us!" declared Smooth White.
    "Oh, dear!" said the Crustaceans.
    "Attack!  Attack!" declared Smooth White.
    "Uh, guess so," said the Crustaceans.
    "Wait a minute," said one lobster. "He sounds just like Spike Brown."
    "Slander!" gasped Smooth White. "How dare you!"
    "Slander, slander!" echoed the other Crustaceans.
    "But you see," said the lobster, "he's behaving just like Spike Brown.  It doesn't matter that he has a white shell."
    "Oh, yes, it does," said the other Crustaceans. "Smooth White is a mainstream Crustacean.  That's him.  He can't be anything like Spike Brown.  You'd better shut up.  You're only helping the evil mollusks, who want to destroy us."
    "And now," declaimed the new Smooth White, "let's go crack some mollusks!  (We'll take care of the lobster later.)"