One Billy Goat Not So Gruff

It was one of those lovely, care-free spring days, and the little billy goat, after frolicking happily through the fields, had begun to frolic happily across a quaint little bridge with a really stunning scenic view. As the little billy goat paused to enjoy that stunning view, it was abruptly interrupted by a large, troll-shaped obstruction. Ah, yes. Care-free was the day, but not, unfortunately, troll-free.

"Yikes!" screamed the little billy goat, turning to run, but too frozen by fear to take anything like an actual step.

"Now, wait just one minute, there!" roared the troll.

"I ... I ... I'm ... too little to make a satisfying meal for you ... uh, sir," bleated the billy goat. "My, uh, ... brother is coming along right behind me. He's a lot bigger ... Why don't you spare me and wait for him?"

"Oh, no, no, no," sighed the troll. "Not that poppycock again. You mean to call in a water buffalo to trample me, and then claim it's your brother. What do you think I am, stupid?"

"We-e-ell, ... of course not!" The little billy goat's denial was too slow to cover the affirmation in his answer.

"Aaaarrrggghhh!" howled the troll in anger and frustration. "It's a lie! It's a damned stereotype, is what it is! I'll kill you for that! ... No, no. Wait! Please. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Talk to me?" yelped the billy goat. "About what?"

"About ... about ... just that kind of thing!" wailed the troll. "All you creatures keep stereotyping us! 'Trolls are stupid,' 'Trolls are violent'..."

"And hot-headed," added the billy goat. "Don't forget 'hot-headed.'"

"That's a lie!" screamed the troll. "You'll die for that!" And he seized the billy goat by the throat.

"No, no, wait," he continued, pausing to regain his composure and setting the little billy goat down. "I didn't mean that. Yeah, that's one of those vicious stereotypes, too. And it's time to put them all to rest. I want you to spread the word that trolls are really just normal creatures like the rest of you."

"Um, that could be a hard sell," temporized the little billy goat.

"Why, you troll-hating little bastard!" roared the troll, again seizing the billy goat by the throat.

"If ... I ... could ... explain ..." gasped the billy goat.

"Explain?" asked the troll with a quizzical expression.

"Can't ... gak ... breathe ...," wheezed the billy goat.

"Oh, sorry," said the troll, slightly relaxing his grip.

"Let me ... glurg ... put it this way," gurgled the billy goat. "If someone called me a stupid, violent hot-head, what do you think I would do?"

"Kill them," said the troll. "If you're big enough."

"No," gasped the billy goat. "I would ignore them."

"Ignore them?" cried the troll incredulously. "Why? This I've got to hear!" And he relaxed his grip a little more.

"Because," replied the billy goat, breathing more easily, "I know that I'm not a stupid, violent hot-head. And I know that most reasonable creatures will look at the empirical evidence and come to the same conclusion."

"What if they don't have the 'empirical evidence?'" probed the troll. "What then?"

"Well, I can answer the charge of stupid, violent hot-headedness with facts," said the billy goat. "I can point to my life-long record of enlightened nonviolence and rational behavior."

"And what if they still believe the lies?" asked the troll.

"A certain number will believe what they want to believe regardless of facts," said the billy goat. "Nothing I do will ever change their minds. They're not worth worrying about."

"No!" roared the troll. "You have to kill those creatures!"

"No, I don't," said the billy goat. "And neither do you. In fact, all that accomplishes is to prove the stupid, violent hot-head charge to everyone else. And, if I may be frank, that's the credibility problem you're having right now. You tell me you're not a stupid, violent hot-head, but every time I say something you don't like, you react like a stupid, violent hot-head. That makes it very hard to defend you. Even for a friend."

"How dare you impugn my character!" screamed the troll, enthusiastically throttling the billy goat with both hands. "This is not stupid, violent hot-headedness! This is righteous anger!"

"Awk!" gurgled the billy goat.

"No, no, wait," relented the troll, releasing the billy goat's swollen throat just before his soul popped out. "I really want you to help me quash those awful stereotypes. And you've given me a lot to think about. Friends?"

"There was a very bright light," gasped the billy goat, returning from the entrance to the long tunnel. "Oh, uh, yes. Friends." He reached for the proffered paw of friendship. "And, oh, one more thing. Since we're going to be friends, I've drawn some amusing troll cartoons. Would you mind taking a look at them?"