The chronicles of Dorothy of Kansas and her adventures in the Land of Oz are well known. What is less well known is that, on the very day that Dorothy and her house were carried away by the tornado, another girl named Dorothy from a neighboring farm was also carried away, house and all, by the very same tornado. The second Dorothy was not dropped in the Land of Oz, however. The tornado still had enough punch to carry the second Dorothy to a land beyond Oz, over the rainbow, over, in fact, the edge. This is the story of that Dorothy...

The house landed with a thump. Dorothy, relieved to discover that neither she nor her dog had been hurt, hurried to the door to see what sort of place the tornado had borne her to. Accustomed as she was to the grim Kansas landscape, the sight that greeted her eyes literally took her breath away. In fact, she gagged for a good minute and a half. A viscous stream oozed merrily through the absence of trees and flowers.

"Why, Toto," Dorothy rasped to her dog, "I don't see a sign of life anywhere! Of course, the air is so polluted, who could tell?"

Just then, Dorothy heard a twittering chorus of hacking coughs. Tiny heads and bodies began to take shape in the filthy air.

"There are people here, Toto! Uh, sort of. What is this place, and what's the quickest way out?" she asked.

"Welcome to Twerpland!" wheezed the nearest small person. "I am the Mayor of Twerpland, and my people are Twerps."

"I can see that," said Dorothy. "But the way out...?"

"No, no," said the Mayor. "Just as the people of France are called 'French,' the people of Twerpland are called 'Twerps.' I realize that we are, ah, vertically challenged, but it has not always been so. It's the smoking that has stunted our growth."

"Well, you should know how bad cigarettes are for you," chided Dorothy. "Anyway, you're telling me way more than I need to know. How do my dog and I get back to Kansas?"

"Who smokes cigarettes?" said the Mayor. "I was talking about the atmosphere. There are a few things I need to explain to you, ah, what is your name?"

"Dorothy," said Dorothy impatiently.

"Dorothy, then," continued the Mayor. "Twerpland is only a small principality in the Land of Ooze. The land is divided among three witches. We are ruled by the Wicked Witch of the Waste. The others are the Wicked Witch of the Air and the Wicked Witch of the Water. Collectively, they're responsible for the sorry state of affairs that you can see. And smell. And taste. And breathe."

"Aren't there any good witches?" asked Dorothy.

"That's a different story, I'm afraid," said the Mayor. "But there is a powerful wizard, the Wizard of Ooze."

"So, is he a good guy?" asked Dorothy hopefully.

The Mayor shrugged. "He's very mysterious," he said. "We think he's good, but he's so far removed from us that he's hard to figure out. But I'm afraid I've strayed rather far from my intended point. We wanted to thank you for what you've done."

The Mayor pointed to Dorothy's house. A pair of hip boots extended from beneath.

"Oh!" exclaimed Dorothy. "Have I killed the Witch of the Waste?"

"No such luck," said the Mayor ruefully. "The witches never do anything dangerous themselves. That's one of her lackeys. He was inspecting one of her toxic waste dumps. But even nailing a lackey is cause for rejoicing. You can have the boots. If you're going to be mucking around here for any length of time, you're going to need them."

"That returns me to my main theme," Dorothy said. "How can I get out of here?"

"I understand how you feel," said the Mayor sheepishly. "And I didn't mean to put you off, but the fact is, I don't know how to get out. If I did, do you think I would still be here? Or any of us, for that matter."

Dorothy felt a chill. She took the boots. There was nothing inside them. In fact, there was no body anywhere to be seen.

"He disappeared by magic!" she exclaimed. "This must be the work of the witches!"

"Not exactly," said the Mayor. "Your house smushed him into the toxic waste dump. In fact, I don't think it was the impact of the house that actually did him in. Look!"

The house itself was disintegrating before their eyes.

"This is too weird," said Dorothy. "Isn't there anyone who can do something about those witches?"

"Actually, there is a government agency that's supposed to do that," said the Mayor. "It's called the Witch Control Department of Ooze, or WaCaDOO. If you want to get home, you're probably going to have to get by the witches, so you can either try WaCaDOO or the Wizard."

"How do I find them?"

"I don't know how to find the Wizard," said the Mayor, "but WaCaDOO is right nearby. Go two blocks to the light and take a left. It'll be the third agency on your right."

"That doesn't sound hard," said Dorothy brightly, and off she skipped.

Two skips later, Dorothy was on her knees, hacking and wheezing. "I guess it wasn't so easy, after all," she said "Woof," said Toto in a strangled bark.

When Dorothy entered the WaCaDOO building, she was surprised to find that it was even gloomier and more depressing than outside. There was row after row of tiny, identical cubicles, but no people anywhere. Finally, Toto picked up a scent, rushed down the hall, and started barking at the tiniest, most obscure cubicle Dorothy had seen yet.

"Why, it's a scarecrow!" said Dorothy, peering into the cubicle.

"No, not a scarecrow," said the scarecrow. "The correct word is Straw Man. You know how someone with an agenda first builds a Straw Man and then tears it to pieces to make his argument look good? I'm that Straw Man. Whenever anyone is complaining about government employees, they use me. I'm also very easy to replace."

"Oh, excuse me," said Dorothy. "But do you actually work here?"

"Oh, yes," said the Straw Man. "Just look!"

The cubicle was piled high with papers. Three computers were crammed together, and the Straw Man was pounding away at all three at once, using both hands and one foot.

"My goodness!" said Dorothy. "You must be doing a lot of witch-controlling!"

"Witch-controlling?" asked the Straw Man stupidly. "Oh, of course! The name of the agency! No, no. I don't do any of that. I just do all the administrative tasks, like timekeeping and payroll and personnel."

"I see," said Dorothy. "So, can you tell me where to find the people who do the witch-controlling?"

"There aren't any," said the Straw Man. "I'm the only employee, and I'm too busy to do any of the witch stuff."

"I'm confused," said Dorothy. "Isn't the witch stuff the reason for this agency? And if you're the only employee, what's the point of all the work you're doing? Where does it even come from?"

"Work doesn't go away just because you downsize," said the Straw Man. "Got to do more with less. Tax dollars and all that."

"There isn't anyone else here?"

"Oh, there are the consultants."

"So, they’re doing witch control."

"Nope," said the Straw Man. "They're working on redesigning all of my work. They must be doing a great job. They've been at it for three years. And we've paid them eighteen gazillion dollars so far. I know because I have to do all of the bookkeeping, too."

"So, how are they making your work better for you?"

"Well, they've brought in all the latest computer equipment. That has to be an improvement. And they're designing a lot of neat graphical user interfaces so I can do my work by pointing and clicking."

"Will that save you a lot of time?"

"Come to think of it, I don't know if I can operate a mouse with my foot. But as far as the witch stuff goes, we haven't done anything with that in ages."

"Well, someone has to help me with the witches," protested Dorothy, stamping her hip-booted foot. "I have to get home to Kansas. And someone should help the poor Twerps!"

"Maybe I could help you if I had a raise," said the Straw Man. "I've gone years without one, and I just can't do another thing without one."

"Well, I'm going to see the Wonderful Wizard of Ooze and ask him to send me home to Kansas. Maybe you could come along and ask for a raise."

"Wonderful?" asked the Straw Man quizzically. "Oh, yes. Of course. I suppose so. It couldn't hurt. Do you know how to find him?"

"Well, no," Dorothy admitted. "I hoped you would know."

"I don't," said the Straw Man, "but my boss might."

Dorothy, Toto, and the Straw Man struggled up several flights of stairs. The Straw Man didn't walk very well, but at least the polluted air didn't seem to bother him.

"Why isn't his office on the first floor?" Dorothy inquired. "There's enough room to house an army down there."

"Prestige," said the Straw Man. "Well, this is his office. Would you mind knocking?"

Dorothy knocked. She was nearly flattened by the volume of the roar that issued from the other side of the door.

"Ah. That's why you didn't want to knock yourself. Well, nothing ventured, ..." And Dorothy pushed the door open. She was not surprised to discover that the Straw Man's boss was a lion.

"What do you want?" roared the Lion.

"I'm Dorothy, sir," said Dorothy politely, "and this is my dog Toto. We're trying to get back home to Kansas. And I want to help the Twerps with the witches that are ruining your country. And your agency is the one that's supposed to control the witches. And you aren't doing a very good job of it. Your employee the Straw Man said he could help if he could only get a raise. So, both of us are trying to find the Wonderful Wizard of Ooze to help us. Could you tell us how to find him?"

"Wonderful?" roared the Lion quizzically. "Oh, of course. You've got a big mouth, Dorothy. You're fired!"

"You can't fire me," said Dorothy. "I don't work for you."

"Oh, right," said the Lion.

"So, why aren't you doing anything about the witches?"

"Witches?" asked the Lion stupidly.

"You haven't got a clue, have you?" asked Dorothy.

"No," said the Clueless Lion. "You're absolutely right. I'm completely clueless."

"Maybe the Wizard could help you get a clue," Dorothy suggested. "Can you help us find him?"

"I don't know where he is," said the Clueless Lion, "but my boss does. He's the Director, and he answers directly to the Wizard."

It was several more flights of stairs for Dorothy, Toto, the Straw Man, and the Clueless Lion. At last, they stood before the Director, who was made entirely of tin.

"Why, you're a tin man!" exclaimed Dorothy. "No disrespect intended."

"Yes, I am. You may call me Mr. Tin Head," said Mr. Tin Head. "Now, why are you wasting my time?"

"If you're so busy, I'd like to know what it is you're doing, since you don't seem to be doing what you're supposed to be doing," Dorothy said somewhat hotly.

"Young lady," said Mr. Tin Head, "that is a very unethical statement. If anyone heard you say that, they might think this agency is not doing its job."

"But it isn't. It sounds to me like you're more concerned about covering your ass than about ethics."

"What's the difference?" asked Mr. Tin Head.

"Anyway, I'm not your employee," Dorothy continued. "Why isn't WaCaDOO doing witch control?"

"It is," said Mr. Tin Head. "Voluntary witch control. We believe that the witches will comply voluntarily if we just give them the opportunity and don't hit them with a lot of complicated regulations."

"But don't you see that that isn't working? I just fell out of the sky and I can see it. Don't you care about the Twerps who are hacking their lungs out not five blocks from here?"

"I don't have any lungs," said Mr. Tin Head.

"You don't have any heart , either!" said Dorothy.

"You're right," said Mr. Tin Head. "I don't."

"We're going to see the Wonderful Wizard of Ooze," said Dorothy. "And he's going to give the Straw Man a raise, and he's going to give the Clueless Lion a clue, and he's going to send me and Toto back to Kansas. I'm sure he could give you a heart. Maybe some lungs, too. No, I guess we'd better leave that alone for now. Can you tell us how to find him?"

"Wonderful?" asked Mr. Tin Head quizzically. "Oh, yes. Of course I can find him. Just follow the money."

"What?" asked Dorothy.

"Watch," said Mr. Tin Head. He took a small bill out of his pocket, held it up in the air, and let go. Instantly, there was a great sucking sound, and the bill was off like a shot. "Hurry, now," said Mr. Tin Head. "Don't let it get out of sight!"

The Wizard plucked the flying bill neatly from the air. "I am Ooze, the Great and Primal!" he roared. "And this fiddlin' small change ain't near enough to get you a hearing!"

"The Primal Ooze? Are you kidding?" asked Dorothy.

"Ok, I'm not up on my rhetoric. I don't get a lot of visitors. Uh, excuse me a minute."

There was a loud cackle, the swish of a flying broom, and a loud thud. The Wizard retrieved a large satchel bulging with money and returned to face Dorothy, Toto, the Straw Man, the Clueless Lion, and Mr. Tin Head.

"Now, this is what it takes to get a hearing," he said.

"Just one minute!" Dorothy interjected. "We demand to be heard! These three, uh, gentlemen are your employees, and I am a guest, however unwilling, in your land. And we are all here to plead the case of your unfortunate subjects, the Twerps and whoever else lives in this sorry excuse for a country!"

"Speak for yourself," said Mr. Tin Head.

"What is she on about?" asked the Clueless Lion.

"Are you aware," inquired the Wizard, "that your shanghaiing of government employees is an inappropriate use of state resources?"

"Oh, yeah?" retorted Dorothy. "Well, what about all those high-priced consultants fiddling with meaningless paperwork while Ooze disintegrates? Is that appropriate?"

Cackle! Swish! Thud!

"Excuse me," said the Wizard, retrieving another bulging satchel.

"This country is being ruined by the Witches of Waste, Water, and Air," continued Dorothy. "And WaCaDOO isn't doing squat to stop it! And Toto and I have to get home to Kansas. How can you live with yourself?"

Cackle! Swish! Thud!

"Excuse me," said the Wizard. "Now, you were saying...?"

"If you would give the Straw Man a raise, he might be able to control the witches. And if you gave the Clueless Lion a clue, he could help, or at least get out of the way. And if you would give Mr. Tin Head a heart, he would start caring about the unfortunate Twerps. And if you sent me home to Kansas, I could stop holding my breath!"

"Ridiculous!" snorted the Wizard. "My executives have to be heartless. Mr. Tin Head, do you want a heart?"

"Heck no! How could I do my job if I had a heart?"

"And my managers have to be clueless. Otherwise, they might start doing something useful. Mr. Lion, do you want a clue?"

"I don't need no stinkin' clue!"

"And my employees can't get raises. They have to do more with less, not the same with more, or even more with more. Besides, every dollar I pay an employee is a dollar I don't get."

"I do want a raise," said the Straw Man. "Can I have one if I promise not to do anything?"

"Nobody asked you!" roared the Wizard. "As for you, young lady, given the political climate, I think it would be in everybody's best interest if you got out of here as soon as possible. Tell you what. I'll send you and your mutt to Texas."

"Texas!?" gasped Dorothy. "I'm looking for somewhere better than Ooze! How would you like a taste of what's on these babies?" And Dorothy cocked her leg for a hard kick.

"No!" shrieked the Wizard. "Not the polluted hip boots! How about I drop you in Texas with bus fare for Kansas?"

"Done!" said Dorothy.

And so it was that the second Dorothy came home to Kansas. It is perhaps a testimonial to the uniqueness of the human personality that, the many similarities between the two Dorothies notwithstanding, the second Dorothy neither sought nor desired to return to the wondrous land of her adventures.

 

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