At His Word

"Please have a seat, Mr. Ebola. This august body has convened to interview you for the position of Chief of the Immune System. For the record, I am Chairman SARS, and I will preside over the proceedings and ensure that no one drags any actual information out of you. The questioning will begin with Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob. Humorist?"

"I do have some probing questions for the candidate," said Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob solemnly. "First of all, Mr. Ebola, how did you get to be so gosh darned qualified for this position? I mean, I have sat on the Bodily Humors Immune System Committee for many years, and seldom have I seen anyone so ready to assume the leadership of this vital Constitutional entity!"

"Thank you, sir," smiled Mr. Ebola. "It was hard work and self-sacrifice, sir."

"And how did you develop your brilliant Constitutional philosophy, Mr. Ebola?"

"Rigorous scholarship and the unrelenting application of Constitutional principles, sir."

"Excuse me, gentlemen!"

"The Chair recognizes Humorist Blood. I suppose." Chairman SARS sighed. "What are you on about now?"

"I would just like to point out that every Organ in the Body has come out against Mr. Ebola's candidacy. The Kidneys, the Liver, the Lungs, and the Brain have all issued statements detailing their objections ..."

"Now, as to the Brain," Chairman SARS cut in, "no one is supposed to pay any attention to him anymore because he accused President AIDS of being a Virus."

"I believe 'behaved like a virus' were his exact words," said Humorist Blood.

"... and we were shocked. Shocked! So, we've made him apologize 187 times, and now no one will ever credit anything he says ever again! Ever!" concluded the Chairman.

"Be that as it may," continued Humorist Blood, "all of the Organs have raised serious questions that need to be answered. Mr. Ebola, the record shows that you directed the political efforts of the Health Party to portray the major outbreaks of Hemorrhagic Fever in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Sudan, Gabon, and other places as 'the normal functioning of the biological marketplace' and to characterize efforts at combatting the virus as 'unwarranted government meddling.' What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am a staunch champion of the Constitution," said Mr. Ebola.

"That hardly answers the question, Mr. Ebola!" snapped Humorist Blood.

"It may not answer the question," interjected Chairman SARS, "but it is his failure to answer the question."

Humorist Blood continued. "You are also on record as saying, and I quote, 'the Immune System's decision to fight massive hemorrhaging was wrongly taken and should be reversed.' The Immune System has consistently ruled that the Body has a right to be free from hemorrhage. What is your position on that?"

"That is, of course, settled law," smiled Mr. Ebola. "I do believe that there is a Freedom from Hemorrhage right in the Constitution."

"So, what action would you take, in the event of another outbreak of Hemorrhagic Fever?"

"It would be unprofessional of me to discuss matters that may come before the Immune System in the future," said Mr. Ebola.

"Well," continued Humorist Blood, "how do you stand on AIDS? What would be your position on fighting AIDS."

"I couldn't possibly compromise my vaunted impartiality by discussing an infection that is very likely to come before my Immune System," replied Mr. Ebola.

"Mad Cow?" probed Humorist Blood.

"Mum's the word," smiled Mr. Ebola. "I'm a fervent partisan of the Constitution."

"Mr. Ebola!"

"The Chair recognizes Humorist Phlegm."

"Mr. Ebola," said Humorist Phlegm, "it is traditional for a white corpuscle to head up the Immune System. It doesn't seem ... appropriate to place someone of your ... taxonomy, of your, uh, biological make-up in this extremely powerful and sensitive position. Um, if you follow me."

"No, I'm afraid I don't," said Mr. Ebola innocently. "I'm a steadfast supporter of the Constitution."

"Uh, over there! Yes? The Chair recognizes Humorist Swine Flu."

"Well said, Mr. Ebola!" snorted Humorist Swine Flu. "For a moment there, I thought Humorist Phlegm was going to make a terrible accusation that would have shocked the entire Body and required months of apologies. We of the Health Party have only the Bodily Good at heart. We're nonpartisan down to the strands of our DNA. Or RNA. It's always you Temperament Party guys who want to make everything a partisan issue. Gosh, I know I can't wait to have Mr. Ebola running the Body's defenses. I am awed and humbled at the prospect!"

"The Chair recognizes Humorist Yellow Bile."

Humorist Yellow Bile cleared his throat and hesitated before speaking. "Has anyone noticed that, uh, only the Temperance Party Humorists are actually Bodily Humors, while everyone else ... that is, ... Or is it just me?"

A dozen virulent little eye-equivalents glared at the sputtering Humorist.

"Nope. Guess it's just me, then," he concluded lamely.

"C'mon! Let's confirm this guy!" urged Chairman SARS. "He's got such good manners!"

"Do you promise to be a really good Chief of the Immune System?" asked Humorist Phlegm.

"Absolutely!" beamed Mr. Ebola.

"Hey, well, I'm in!" said Humorist Phlegm. "Got to take a guy at his word, huh?"

"That is so bipartisan of you!" kvelled Chairman SARS. "I'm looking forward to President AIDS's next nominee to the Immune System."

"A Mr. ... Avian Flu, isn't it?" piped Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob.