Recently, Vermont declared its intention to sue the FDA to overturn that agency's ban on the importation of cheaper drugs from Canada.  Two days later, the FDA announced that terrorists were planning to attack the United States by poisoning imported drugs from Canada.  The source for this was "chatter."  But don't take my word for it.  I know this sounds like something a satirist made up.  Look, for example,   here or here.

Welcome to today's news summary.

It was reported today that almost 2 million Americans have lost their jobs under the Bush administration and almost 4 million have lost their health care benefits.

In a completely unrelated story, the Department of Homeland Security announced that terrorists are planning to infect American economic reports with a lethal statistics virus.  All economic reports have been suspended, effective immediately, and the threat level has been raised to Code Yellow.  The source of this intelligence is "chatter."

As Hurricane Lloyd approaches the southern coast of Georgia, the entire population of the former state of Florida has been asked to evacuate their Georgia refugee camp for points north.  The population of Georgia has been asked to follow.  Lloyd is a Category 7 hurricane.  Scientists are saying that this record hurricane season is further proof of Global Warming.

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that terrorists are planning to spread deadly chemicals and pathogens by seeding hurricanes.  The threat level has been raised to Code Orange.  This information has been gleaned from "chatter."

Meanwhile, the White House has decried the addition of new hurricane categories that have been added since hurricane wind speeds have soared over 200 mph and storm surges regularly top 25 feet.  A new system will be promulgated shortly.  Under the new system, a Category 1 hurricane will be defined as a hurricane with a wind speed of no greater than 200 mph.  Further details will follow.

The White House further urged calm, stating that the ferocity of the hurricanes is decreasing.  Hurricane Lloyd, after all, is only a Category 7, while Loyd was a Category 9.  Meanwhile, Hurricane Mmaria, a Category 8, is taking aim at the entire Texas coast, from Dallas to Laredo.  Next year, a new numbering system will replace the traditional hurricane naming system to obviate the need for doubling initial letters when there are more than 26 storms.

Several retired US generals and military strategists have stated their views that the US war in Iraq is already a lost cause, and that the US is only advancing al-Qaeda aims by continuing it.

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that, according to "chatter," terrorists have infected retired US military officers with insidious thought control devices.  The threat level has been raised to Code Red.  The November elections may have to be suspended.  A decision will be made after the votes are counted, but before you get to see the results.  As a further precaution, all news media will be suspended immed