copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    A merchant planned to journey to a distant city to sell his valuable stock of silks and VCRs.  The road he had to travel was notorious for rapacious bandits, so the merchant decided to hire a guard to protect his goods.  However, he didn't want just any guard.  He wanted a trustworthy guard of good moral character.  So he advertised thus:

        Wanted :  Reliable  person of good moral character to guard valuable shipment.  No drunks, hashheads, or sex fiends.

... and the usual stuff about KSAs, screening criteria, and salary requirements.
    At length, the merchant found an applicant who seemed to be suitable in every way.  He was experienced in caravan-guiding, bandit-fighting, and not getting lost.  His resume was only two pages long and printed on thick, gray, bond paper in an attractive font.  And he had three good references.
    "Ok," said the merchant. "You seem to be the person I'm looking for.  But there is one more thing.  I want someone of impeccable moral character.  No smoking, drinking, or screwing around!  Can you handle that?"
    "Oh, absolutely," said the guard. "I'm your man."
    And so the merchant's caravan set off.  Everything seemed to be going well.  They were making good time, and not a single bandit had been seen.  However, there was one thing that had the merchant worried.  Every so often, the guard would pull a flask out of his robe and take a good, long swig.
    "I hope that's water," said the merchant.
    "Oh, it is," said the guard.
    On the second day of the journey, the merchant caught a whiff of the guard's breath, and it didn't smell like water.
    "I think you're drinking whiskey," said the merchant.
    "Oh, no," insisted the guard. "Only water.  I do have some prescription medicine that I have to take, and it gives my breath a medicinal smell."
    "Oh, ok," said the merchant.
    On the third day, during a rest period, the guard carelessly left his flask where the merchant could find it.  The merchant took a peek and a sniff and discovered that the flask contained twelve-year-old Wild Turkey.
    "Well," said the merchant. "It seems you have been deceiving me, although you appear to have good taste."
    "Oh, I'm sorry," said the guard. "I'm reallyreallyreally sorry, and I won't do it again.  But you must admit I've done a good job of guarding your stuff."
    "Hmph!" said the merchant.  
    As soon as they arrived at their destination, the merchant fired the guard.  But this created a dilemma for the merchant.  After selling his silks and VCRs, he found himself with a large quantity of gold and the need to return home via the same bandit-haunted road which he had just traveled.
    So the merchant placed his want ad again.  This time, when he found a candidate who looked good, he really pumped the candidate's references about the moral character issues.
    "No sex, drugs, or rock 'n' roll for this guy," said one reference. "But you might be interested in ..."
    "Ok, that's great," the merchant cut in.
    "No, he doesn't drink or do any of that stuff," said another reference. "But he is kind of cozy with ..."
    "Good enough for me," said the merchant. "No need for details.  I'm in a hurry to get home."
    The merchant hired the new guard and set off for home.
    "Oh," said he to the new guard, "how are you on bandits?"
    "I'm the best," said the new guard. "I've never lost a caravan yet.  I absolutely guarantee your safety."
    The caravan had barely left town when it was attacked by bandits who murdered everyone in the caravan except the merchant, beat the crap out of him, took everything he had, including his clothes, and left him for dead.  However, he was not dead, and since the attack had taken place so close to town, he was able to crawl back to civilization.
    The first thing the merchant saw was his second guard.  The guard was wearing the merchant's clothes and hefting a sack of gold in his hand.  The merchant crawled as quickly as he could to the nearest police station.
    "I wish to report a robbery!" he gasped indignantly. "And I know who one of the robbers is!"
    "We investigate every case fairly and impartially," said the police officer. "Please go on."
    The merchant related his whole story, from the time he hired the first guard until the present.
    "And I want you to arrest that lying, crooked guard immediately!" he concluded.
    "Hmm," pondered the police officer. "Let's consider this fairly and impartially.  First of all, you don't know that your guard was in cahoots with the bandits."
    "He led me right into their ambush," said the merchant.
    "It could have been an honest mistake," said the officer.
    "They murdered everyone else, and I only survived by luck," said the merchant. "Yet, here I see this crook without a scratch on him!"
    "He may just have been lucky," said the police officer. "Anyway, you come crawling in here buck naked, which is clearly against the law.  So, that's the only demonstrable infraction of the law."
    "He stole my clothes!" protested the merchant.
    "And I'm supposed to take the word of a lawbreaker?" chided the police officer.
    "So, you think this is my fault?" screamed the merchant.
    "Well," said the police officer, "if you consider this fairly and impartially, ...  Consider this.  Everyone knows that caravan guards are liars.  If you don't expect them to lie to you, you're being naive.  Your first guard lied to you about his tippling. The second one lied to you about protecting you from bandits.  See?  They're all the same.  So we can't do anything about it.  And you'd better get some clothes on before I lock you up."