too expensive

Too Expensive

    I was just settling in to a nice swamp bath and placidly nibbling leaves from the top of a handy tree, when Terry wheeled overhead and let out a screech.
    "What's up?" I munched. "Besides you, of course."
    "Ha, ha," she replied drily. "I got us a meeting with Boomer, but we have to go now. Get your enormous butt out of that mudhole, and let's get going. By the way, what's with the leaf munching? Don't you think that's a bit over the top?"
    "Part of the brontosaur image," I said mildly. "It's expected."
    Boomer was the Tyrant's personal secretary. No one saw the Tyrant except through Boomer, so Terry had pulled off a more than minor coup. It behooved me to get my body moving, which was an enterprise all to itself.
    Nevertheless, we arrived at Boomer's office in time. Boomer was a smallish and rather pudgy T-rex. He had an appearance similar to one of those recently evolved nocturnal feathered creatures with big eyes. Next to the other members of the Tyrant's inner circle, all of them T-rexes, Boomer looked unimposing, but we knew better than to be fooled by appearances.
    Boomer waved us in and offered us seats.
    "We wanted to talk to you about the asteroid ...," Terry began.
    "Just one minute," said Boomer mildly. "The Tyrant is about to give his State of Sauria Message. Mind if I turn on the DV?"
    He proceeded to turn on the dinovision set before we had a chance to answer. There was the Tyrant, all decked out in a conservative suit and looking not quite as dangerous as usual. I was impressed with how his image had been modified since the early days of his reign. He had learned not to roar into the mike, and he almost never flashed his fangs at the camera anymore.
    "My fellow Saurians," began the Tyrant in his most dulcet tones. We could see Boomer's lips moving silently as the Tyrant spoke. "This has been a great year for Sauria. Our war against the evil velociraptors has been a resounding success. You and your children can all sleep more soundly, thanks to me."
    There was applause from the audience.
    "But this is not the time for complacency! Our very way of life is at risk! The velociraptors are still powerful, and they are still plotting to break into your homes and eat your eggs and your children! They hate us for our freedom! Remember that! This war could go on for as long as it's useful to scare your pants off!"
    Nervous murmurs from the crowd.
    "This great nation has long enjoyed the benefits of the rule of tyrannosaurs, or tyranny, and it would be selfish of us not to share these blessings with others. I say, therefore, that it is our sacred duty to spread tyranny throughout the world. As you all know, tyranny promotes peace, and our global wars are bringing peace to all.
    "On the domestic front, y'all can expect to have your pockets picked clean of whatever you have left during the coming year."
    Grumbles from the audience.
    "Velociraptors! In your homes! Eating your kids!" the Tyrant roared. But it was a well modulated roar. The grumbling ceased.
    "Furthermore, I am presenting a lean, fiscally responsible, balanced budget. There will be no fat in this budget and no frills!"
    "What about the billions we're spending on war?" piped someone from the audience.
    "That doesn't count," purred the Tyrant. "Money spent on war is money spent on peace and security, so it doesn't count."
    Boomer peered at the screen and jotted down some notes. "Gonna fuck that guy by the end of the week," he mumbled. Finally, he turned off the DV.
    "So, ..." prompted Boomer helpfully. "What can I do to you? Uh, for you?"
    "We're scientists," said Terry. "It's urgent that we talk about the asteroid that's coming this way."
    "I'm disappointed that the Tyrant didn't say a word about that," I added.
    "Asteroid shmasteroid," said Boomer. "That's a lot of hooey."
    "I'm afraid it's not," said Terry. "There is a broad consensus in the scientific community about this."
    "Oh, nonsense!" snapped Boomer. "I've hired dozens of scientists to say that you're full of mammals."
    "None of eminence," countered Terry.
    "Sure, they're eminent!" said Boomer. "I - that is, the Tyrant - gave them all the Prize for Extreme Eminence in Science for debunking your asteroid bullshit."
    "This asteroid is really on a collision course for earth," Terry persisted.
    "You guys have been saying that stuff for years," pooh-poohed Boomer. "Nothing's ever happened. Besides, it's too expensive. Anyway, you never donated any money to finance the Tyrant's coup d'etat."
    "We've told you about asteroids that might have hit the earth," said Terry, "but we've always given probabilities. We've been tracking this big one for years, and now we are quite sure that it's on a collision course. We have the technology to deflect it, if we start development now, but our window of opportunity is closing fast. Listen, other tyrannies have taken notice and are getting behind us, but Sauria is the wealthiest nation in the world. We need the support of Sauria to make this happen. Our survival is literally at stake."
    Boomer jumped up and planted his little forepaws on his desk.
    "I'll fuck you! I'll fuck you! I'll fuck you!" he screamed. They could probably hear him in the next county.
    "No thanks," I said, while Terry retched silently.
    "I'll have embarrassing articles about your personal lives in every newspaper in the country by tomorrow evening! You're trying scare tactics on me?" he roared. "I'm the master of scare tactics! I invented scare tactics!"
    "You've been playing cynical power games for so long," I sighed, "that you can't tell the difference between political fantasy and reality."
    "I can't?" he fumed. "Of course, I can! Reality is what I say it is!"
    That was the end of the interview. While Sauria frets about shadowy velociraptors and spills its blood and treasure in distant wars, the sky has spawned a second sun that grows daily brighter.