Trolls 'n' Tolls
copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau
In the dim long ago, there was a city of many
bridges. When people first started building the bridges, it was
possible simply to walk from one side of a bridge to the other, with no
impediments. Then - perhaps it was in the nature of bridges - two
sorts of beast began to
stake claims to these architectural structures: the trolls and
the
Metropolitan Transit Authority.
The two beasts, or corporate entities, as they so
tactfully came to be called, had rather different methods of operation.
The
Metropolitan Transit Authority, or MTA, exacted a toll from the
would-be
bridge crosser. The trolls simply ate him. In any case, the
competition for bridges became quite fierce, and a civil, or rather
uncivil,
war appeared to be in the offing, until a compromise was reached.
This
was the compromise: the people who used a bridge most would
decide
by ballot whether the bridge would be controlled by a troll or by the
MTA.
So the city was divided into Bridge Districts, and each Bridge
District
elected a Bridge Keeper, or BK. Sometimes the BK was a troll.
Sometimes
it was an MTA person. Collectively, the BKs ran the city.
In the early days, the MTA had rather the better of
the deal. After all, most people would rather part with a little
money
than be masticated and swallowed. The trolls realized that they
had
a credibility problem. So they thought it through and came up
with
two really great strategies. The first strategy was to throw a
lot
of money at the problem. This was based on the principle that
people
were too stupid to live. The second strategy was simplicity
itself:
lie a lot. This was also based on the principle that people
were
too stupid to live. So the trolls launched a massive media blitz,
replete
with TV spots, newspaper ads, and internet banners. They even hit
on
a catchy slogan. This was it: "No tolls with trolls!"
A typical TV commercial would feature an average human couple
desperately
searching their pockets for toll money, while an MTA guy, sporting an
evil
grin and laughing hysterically, blocked their way. "Gosh," says
Mr.
Average, "I thought I had the toll right here." "Well, they've
raised
the toll every year since the beginning of time!" says Ms.
Average.
"It's time for a change," says Mr. Average. "I'm voting
troll
this year!" A sympathetic-looking troll, with fangs filed back and a
conservative
business suit, shakes his head sympathetically. "Don't get stuck
like
these good people," says the troll. "No tolls with trolls!"
"That's right," said the people. "Trolls never
charge a toll."
"But they eat you," countered the MTA guys.
"But they never charge a toll," said the people.
"But they eat you," said the MTA guys.
"But they never charge a toll ..."
Then one poor fool came up with a suggestion.
"Hey, we could have free bridges with no trolls under them!
We could vote for someone else entirely. We don't have to
have trolls or tolls!"
The others looked at him pityingly and shook their
heads. "Of course we can't do that," they said.
"We
have to choose either trolls or tolls."
So the number of troll Bridge Keepers climbed.
One day, there were more troll BKs than MTA BKs.
At that time, the head troll was a brute named
Thugg.
Thugg used to make his living by killing tiny creatures, but he
had
long since moved on to bigger game. When Thugg realized that a
majority
of BKs were now trolls, he had a brainstorm. He called a meeting
of
all the trolls.
"Hey," said Thugg. "Let's redo all the Bridge
Districts!"
"Why?" asked Dork, one of the slower trolls.
"So that we can control more of them," replied Thugg.
"How?" asked Dork.
Dang, it was hard to get good help. "We redraw
the
boundaries so that more of the Bridge Districts have a majority of
people
who vote for trolls," explained Thugg patiently.
"How?" asked Dork again.
"Look over here," said Thugg, pointing at a map.
"This
district in the southwest is overwhelmingly pro-troll, but this one
over
in the northeast always elects a really troublesome MTA guy. We
just
put about 30% of the southwest voters in the northeast district."
"But that's all the way across town from their
bridge,"
protested Glugg, one of the brighter trolls. Thugg cuffed him on
the
head.
"So, who cares?" said Thugg. "You only worry
about
stuff like that if your motivation is to represent those people.
All
we care about is getting control of more bridges. Get it?"
"Ah," said Glugg. "But can we do that?"
"Of course, we can," said Thugg. "We have a
majority.
We can do anything we want to. That's what democracy is all
about."
Dork pondered that for a moment. "Why didn't
the
MTA do that when they had the majority?" he asked. Thugg
whacked
him upside the head.
"Because they aren't as smart as I am," said Thugg.
"Garsh," gushed Dork. "You're my idol!"
"Then," continued Thugg, "when we've gotten rid of
all
the MTA guys, we can dispense with all this voting nonsense.
Waste
of time and money."
"So, if democracy is about the majority doing
whatever
they want," reasoned Glugg, "what's this thing with no voting
going
to be?"
"That will be superdemocracy," said Thugg.
"Superdemocracy
is about me getting to do whatever I want."