They laughed at me at the university.  But then, they laughed at me in high school, too.  And junior high, and elementary, and ...  But it wasn't personal, so it was all right.  Anyway, it didn't have a thing to do with my ideas about the reanimation of dead matter, and that's what I really want to talk about.  You see, I am the Father of Frankenotics.  You haven't heard of Frankenotics?  Ok, allow me to explain.  Uh, you won't laugh at me, will you?

    You've probably heard of Dr. Frankenstein and his monster.  Don't get me wrong.  I have the greatest respect for Dr. Frankenstein, but he made three critical errors.  First, he made a monster without a purpose.  He thought just bringing dead flesh back to life was enough.  No.  That just creeps people out.  You have to make your monster do something useful so that you can get some buy-in.  Especially if the monster can do something profitable.

    Second, he didn't build in any safeguards.  That made people nervous.  First thing you know, the monster goes off his nut and starts killing people for no apparent reason.

    Third, and this ties right in with Number 2, Dr. Frankenstein's monster was too intellectual.  It thought too much.  It figured out that it was the only ugly sucker of its kind in the world, and that made it mad.  So, it started killing people for very personal reasons.

    Ok, you've got to cut Dr. Frankenstein a break.  He didn't know about microchips, and he didn't know about Isaac Asimov's Three Rules of Robotics.  Fortunately, I did, and this knowledge was enough to correct all of Frankenstein's errors.  For my monster.

    For those of you who are not familiar with Asimov's Three Rules of Robotics, they basically say that robots have to serve human beings and not harm them.  Load of crap, really, but the idea of having rules of conduct is what's important here.  So, here are the Three Rules of Frankenotics:

        1.  A monster must produce wealth for its master.

        2.  A monster must crush anything standing in the way of its master's profits.

        3.  A monster may only act for business reasons.  Personally motivated actions are prohibited.

    And so Frank was born.  Sorry.  I'm not very clever about picking names, so Frank it was.  And is.  Frank's birth presented me with two immediate challenges.  First, I had to decide how to put him to use.  Second, I had to persuade my fellow citizens that Frank was an upright member of the community, and not, in fact, a homicidal maniac.  Drugs seemed to be the biggest and most profitable growth industry, so I opted for that.  Of course, we called it "pharmaceuticals."

    The first crisis was not long in coming.  Word of Frank's arrival had leaked out.  I'm not sure how that happened, but suffice to say, it is difficult to keep secrets in a small town with a single brooding medieval castle.  And, of course, there were Frank's early efforts to corner the pharmaceuticals market.  In any case, the predictable and inevitable happened.  A large mob of townspeople with flaming torches surrounded the castle and demanded Frank's head.  Fortunately, this happened just after quarter end.  I showed the quarterly report to the Chamber of Commerce and offered them a piece of the action.  These were the movers, shakers, and employers of the community.  The mob soon dispersed.  The ones that wanted to keep their jobs and houses, at least.

    From there, everything went smoothly until Frank tangled with the other big pharmaceutical company in the area.  There were some tense moments, but, to make a long story short, it ended with a hostile takeover.  The survivors, few of them as there were, sued me and my investors.  The case went all the way to the Supreme Court, and, well, I think you might be interested in their interrogation of Frank ...

    "Mr. Frank, ..."
    "That just 'Frank,' Your Honor."
    "Ok, Frank.  Were your masters in any way involved in the events of this takeover?"
    "No, Your Honor.  Frank did whole thing by own self."
    "Then, what is the relationship between you and your masters?"
    "Frank do work.  Masters get money.  First rule Frankenotics."
    "Did you kill all those people?"
    "Frank kill."
    "Why did you kill them, Frank?"
    "Crush competition.  Second rule Frankenotics."
    "I see.  Justifiable homicide, then.  But did any of them do anything to you, Frank?  Did you have any personal animus against any of them?"
    "Just business.  Third rule Frankenotics.  Nothing personal."
    "Oh, well, that's all right then.  Just a couple more questions, Frank.  Do you have any remorse over any of the things you've done:  killings, destruction of property, anything like that?"
    "What 'remorse' mean?"
    "We understand that you have sold pharmaceuticals overseas after they were banned in this country as harmful.  Is this true?"
    "Frank sell.  First rule Frankenotics."
    "Do you think that is ethical?"
    "Eth .... what?"
    "Aren't you concerned about the environmental impact of some of your products and manufacturing processes?"
    "Frank don't care.  No rule Frankenotics."
    "Thank you, Frank.  This Court has reached a decision.  First, the Court finds that Frank is heartless, soulless, and clueless.  We therefore declare him to be a legal person.  Second, since Frank is a legal person, the plaintiffs cannot sue his masters, who only profit obscenely from his activities, but are not liable for them.  Third, Frank is not liable because it was nothing personal.  Next!"

    Is this a great country, or what?