human sacrifice

    By order of Zebo, High Priest of the Great God Morg, the human sacrifices commenced on the 23rd of Dwip, in the Year of the Incontinent Marmot. And throughout the land of Ngomak, the people felt safe again ...

    "Your Ineffable Elegance, could you explain again why we need to sacrifice our children?"
    "Not children, Yuba. Healthy 18-year-olds."
    "Um, ok, Your Majestic Holiness, so why do we need to sacrifice healthy 18-year-olds?"
    "Yuba! I am shocked! It is because the Great God Morg demands it! He told me so in my Daily Briefing on the 4th of Zhok. I explained all this to you and the entire Priestly Council, and everyone agreed that it had to be done!"
    "Actually, I didn't agree to it, if you remember."
    "Of course, Ding the Traitor. How did you ever get to be a priest? You know, I was willing to let that slide, to intercede on your behalf with the Great God Morg. But since you keep bringing it up, I'm afraid I will have to allow the Wrath of Morg to descend on you."
    "What would that be, oh Beneficent Leader?" asked Yuba. Yuba was a Low Priest of the Great God Morg.
    "I haven't decided yet ... to ask the Great God. But rest assured, it will be a doozy."
    "But the thing is," pressed Ding the Traitor, "that this body agreed to the sacrifices after the volcanic eruption. You said that human sacrifice would mollify the Great God and quiet the volcano."
    "And we don't mean to be bitchy about this, Your Extreme Graciousness," added Shiggi, a Not So High Priest, "but, considering the lava now lapping at our toes, it doesn't seem to have, well, you know, ... worked."
    "Oh, that," pooh-poohed the High Priest. "The volcano isn't important. The honest, for-real reason for the human sacrifices - and this is straight from the Great God's mouth - was to end the drought."
    "Was it, Your Amiable Transcendence?" asked Yuba. "Oh, well then ..."
    "But there's just one small detail, Fount of Holy Correctness," quibbled Shiggi. "The drought is still going full force."
    "The drought isn't important," said Zebo dismissively. "The absolute, totally true reason for the human sacrifices is so that the Great God Morg will give us victory over our enemies."
    "But, Your Eminent Eminence," objected Shiggi, "the Stalagmites just leveled the capital and ran off with everything that didn't have a concrete foundation. Um, that was just before this latest volcanic eruption."
    "Well, triumph over enemies isn't important," replied the High Priest shamelessly. "The reason for the human sacrifices is that the Great God Morg told me we had to do them, and if we don't, things will get really bad."
    "Worse than volcanic eruptions, drought, and the devastation of war, oh Tower of Brilliance?" cried Yuba. "Wow, they really are important, then."
    "But that doesn't mean that those other, unimportant matters won't turn out to be important later," added Zebo. "If, you know, they ever seem to support me."
    "But there is one other matter that was puzzling us, oh Divine Conduit," said Shiggi. "It's the selection of the sacrificees. None of them come from wealthy families. It doesn't seem to be quite ... fair."
    "Nonsense!" replied the High Priest. "Everyone is subject to Religious Service."
    "How about your kids?" asked Ding the Traitor.
    "The High Priest is celibate," said Zebo. "You know that."
    "How about your kids?" repeated Ding the Traitor.
    "Ok, they're doing their Religious Service in the choir. Some sing, some die. It's perfectly equitable."
    "You know," said Ding, "we have to stop this nonsense right now. All we're doing is slaughtering innocent kids for nothing."
    "Oh, we can't stop now," objected Yuba. "What would everyone say?"
    "That we were smart enough to recognize a horrible mistake and correct it?" suggested Ding the Traitor.
    "Oh, no!" replied Yuba. "We'd look weak and indecisive. We must stay the course."
    "Even if it's stupid and immoral and does nothing to address that exploding volcano over there?" asked Ding the Traitor.
    "I'm glad you understand," said the High Priest.
    "If we stop now," added Shiggi, "it would be like saying that those who have been sacrificed so far have died for nothing."
    "Exactly," said Ding the Traitor. "And that we aren't going to waste any more lives."
    "Oh, no!" said Shiggi. "We must slaughter thousands more to justify the sacrifices to date. It's the only honorable thing to do."
    Yuba's face lit with inspiration. "In fact," he said, "we should double - no, triple - the number of human sacrifices. If one a day is good, three a day has to be better. The Great God Morg will love it!"
    "What a good idea!" kvelled the High Priest. "Consider it done! Gosh, I'm glad I have you guys to help me out!"