Come Hell or High Water
copyright © 2004 by Robert L. Blau

    As this historic Presidential election approaches, the latest polls indicate that the incumbent Hell Party has opened a 10 point lead over the High Water Party.  But are these polls accurate?  What are the voters really thinking as election day draws nigh?  To answer this question, I have taken to the streets of America to interview the "Man and Woman on the Street."
    Ah, here's my first interviewee.  Sir, the upcoming Presidential election pits Satan against a sweet potato.  Whom do you intend to vote for?
    "Oh, Satan, no question."
    May I ask you why?
    "Certainly.  Satan makes me feel safer.  He's a strong leader."
    But Satan is the acknowledged Evil Genius, the very principle of evil.  How can he make you feel safer?
    "Well, it's simple, isn't it?  You know the saying, 'Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the Valley?'  Well, if our guy is the meanest son of a bitch in the valley, who's gonna mess with him, huh?"
   
    Um, I guess that has a certain unarguable logic to it.  Let's see if this lady here will talk to me.  Ma'am, will you be voting Hell or High Water in the coming election.
    "I'm going for Hell all the way!"
    And why would that be?
    "I just don't like that High Water candidate, the sweet potato."
    Uh, you do know that Satan is the Prince of Darkness, whose goal is the damnation of all souls?
    "Yeah, but it's compassionate damnation.  He said so in his TV commercials."
    And have you since found him to be compassionate?
    "No, but I don't like the sweet potato."

    Here's another gentleman.  Sir, are you going to vote Satan or sweet potato in November?
    "Oh, Satan, for sure."
    Why, sir?
    "The TV says the sweet potato will take the country straight to hell."
    Are you talking about Hell Party commercials, sir?
    "No, these commercials are paid for by the nonpartisan Demons for Truth."
    And you believe these commercials?
    "Of course.  They run all the time, and they're so insistent, and they cost an awful lot of money.  They must be true."
    Doesn't "taking the country straight to hell" sound more like something Satan might do?  And if you look at what he's done in office, isn't that actually what he is doing?
    "Oh, no.  You can't trust your experience.  You have to watch the TV commercials that run during the election campaign.  They explain how, if you think Satan is doing anything wrong, it's really the sweet potato's fault.  You really need to watch more TV, fella."

    And you, sir.  Who's it going to be?  Satan or sweet potato?
    "Satan's my man.  He's such a good Christian."
    Uh, Satan?  Christian?  How do you figure?
    "He says so, loudly and often.  And he's very big on bigotry.  I'm going to suggest that as a campaign slogan.  'Big on Bigotry.'  Has a ring, doesn't it?"
    Well, I guess you do have to accept people's profession of their own religious beliefs.  Why, Hitler was a Christian, too.
    "How dare you compare
Hitler to the Leader of the Free World!  Even if he is the devil."
    I beg your pardon.  My bad.

    Let's talk to this lady.  Ma'am, may I ask whom you support for President?
    "What difference does it make?  They're both the same."
    Hmm.  Satan and a sweet potato?  The same?  We're talking, on the one hand, about the Prince of Darkness, the Evil One, the Tempter, the Adversary, the Serpent, Lucifer.  On the other hand, there's just this ... sweet potato.  Could you explain?
    "Not a dime's worth of difference.  Sweet potato and the High Water Party are for damnation, too.  Satan Lite.  You may as well vote for the real thing."

    How about you, sir?  Which party do you support, Hell or High Water?
    "I hate Satan, but I'm voting Hell."
    Now, that does sound a little unusual.  Could you explain, please?
    "Sure.  If the sweet potato wins, we'll just have Satan back in four years.  But if we elect Satan now, everyone will get a chance to see what hell on earth really looks like, and then they'll throw him out for good!"
    Well, that about wraps it up, folks.  It looks like this country is about to elect a President it really deserves.