copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
As this historic Presidential election
approaches, the latest polls indicate that the incumbent Hell Party has
opened a
10 point lead over the High Water Party. But are these polls
accurate? What are the voters really thinking as election day
draws nigh? To answer this question, I have taken to the streets
of America to interview the "Man and Woman on the Street."
Ah, here's my first interviewee. Sir, the
upcoming Presidential election pits Satan against a sweet potato.
Whom do you intend to vote for?
"Oh, Satan, no question."
May I ask you why?
"Certainly. Satan makes me feel safer.
He's a strong leader."
But Satan is the acknowledged Evil Genius, the very
principle of evil. How can he make you feel safer?
"Well, it's simple, isn't it? You know the
saying, 'Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the
Valley?' Well, if our guy is the meanest son of a bitch in the
valley, who's gonna mess with him, huh?"
Um, I guess that has a certain unarguable logic to
it. Let's see if this lady here will talk to me.
Ma'am, will you be voting Hell or High Water in the coming election.
"I'm going for Hell all the way!"
And why would that be?
"I just don't like that High Water candidate, the
sweet potato."
Uh, you do
know that Satan is the Prince of Darkness, whose goal is the damnation
of all souls?
"Yeah, but it's compassionate
damnation. He said so in his TV commercials."
And have you since found him to be compassionate?
"No, but I don't like the sweet potato."
Here's another gentleman. Sir, are you going
to vote Satan or sweet potato in November?
"Oh, Satan, for sure."
Why, sir?
"The TV says the sweet potato will take the country
straight to hell."
Are you talking about Hell Party commercials, sir?
"No, these commercials are paid for by the
nonpartisan Demons for Truth."
And you believe these commercials?
"Of course. They run all the time, and they're
so insistent, and
they cost an awful lot of money. They must be true."
Doesn't "taking the country straight to hell" sound
more like something Satan might do? And if you look at what he's
done in office, isn't that actually what he is doing?
"Oh, no. You can't trust your
experience. You have to watch the TV commercials that run during
the election campaign. They explain how, if you think Satan is
doing anything wrong, it's really
the sweet potato's fault. You really need to watch more TV,
fella."
And you, sir. Who's it going to be?
Satan or sweet potato?
"Satan's my man. He's such a good Christian."
Uh, Satan? Christian? How do you figure?
"He says so, loudly and often. And he's very big on bigotry.
I'm going to suggest that as a campaign slogan. 'Big on
Bigotry.' Has a ring, doesn't it?"
Well, I guess you do
have to accept people's profession of their own religious
beliefs. Why, Hitler was a Christian, too.
"How dare
you compare Hitler to the Leader of
the Free World! Even if he is
the devil."
I beg your pardon. My bad.
Let's talk to this lady. Ma'am, may I ask whom
you support for President?
"What difference does it make? They're both
the
same."
Hmm. Satan and a sweet potato? The
same? We're talking, on the one hand, about the Prince of
Darkness, the Evil One, the Tempter, the Adversary, the Serpent,
Lucifer. On the other hand, there's just this ... sweet
potato. Could
you explain?
"Not a dime's worth of difference. Sweet
potato
and the High Water Party are for damnation, too. Satan
Lite. You may as well vote for the real thing."
How about you, sir? Which party do you
support, Hell or High Water?
"I hate Satan, but I'm voting Hell."
Now, that does sound a little unusual. Could
you explain, please?
"Sure. If the sweet potato wins, we'll just
have
Satan back in four years. But if we elect Satan now, everyone will get a chance to
see what hell on earth really
looks like, and then they'll throw him out for good!"
Well, that about wraps it up, folks. It looks
like this country is about to elect a President it really deserves.