Untitled Document

Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Arborial Beaver

The Beaver family was enjoying a restful evening at the lodge. Mom, Dad, Binkie, and Pookie were watching "Bucktooth Survivor" on Beavervision, when Binkie brought up the E-word.

"Dad, I think we're using too much wood. It isn't good for the environment."

Dad chuckled. "Binkie," he said patiently, "how do you expect us to maintain our comfortable lodge without wood, huh? Every beaver has the right to a comfortable lodge."

"But we keep gnawing branches off the tree we live in," said Binkie. "What happens when the tree runs out of limbs?"

"The tree won't run out of limbs for years," scoffed Dad.

"Well, I don't know about that," Binkie worried. "In any case, all this wood consumption can't be environmentally sound. But you know what? There are other ways to maintain our lodges! I've been looking down at the ground, and I've noticed some things. When it rains, the dirt gets all gunky, but afterwards, it hardens. We could get some of that wet dirt and use it in our lodges! And there are those other things - stones! They look really sturdy, some of 'em. I bet we could develop some lodge-building applications for those!"

"Oh, pshaw," sneered Dad. "That stuff would be way too expensive. It's much more cost-effective to kill some other beavers and steal their wood. Or we can just to chew this ol' tree down to a stump. But don't worry! It will take ever so long for that to happen! Probably a couple of generations, at least."

"I have an idea!" piped Pookie. "I've been thinking a lot about this, so don't laugh. Why don't we all go down and live in the river? Then we wouldn't have to chew down the tree we live in. And we could build dams and lodges and it would be so much fun?"

"In the river?" asked Mom, slapping her tail reflectively.

The entire family looked at Pookie for a long second. Then,

"Nah!" they snorted in unison. "That's crazy!"

"Well, maybe," sniffed Pookie, "but my teacher said that the Beaver Council has voted to gnaw off the Big Limb."

"I thought that had been voted down 227 times," said Binkie.

"I saw it on BV, too," said Pookie.

"Well, I guess 228th time's the charm," said Mom brightly.

"Good thing, too," added Dad. "That limb will provide wood for a good, oh, two or three months."

"But, Dad," whined Binkie, "that's a really awful idea!"

"What do you mean, awful?" bristled Dad. "We need the wood, and the Big Limb's got it. Gnawing it off is the sensible thing to do."

"But we live on the Big Limb," objected Binkie. "If they gnaw it off, we'll all die!"

Dad shook his head sadly at his idiot child. "But we'll get two or three months' worth of wood!" he explained patiently.