Imagine ...

I am Salo the Wanderer.

I didn't ask them to take me to their leader, but they did. I guess they didn't get much interplanetary traffic.

"Welcome to Falafel!" he gushed. Their leader, that was.

"Ah, is that the name of your planet?" I asked.

"Oh, no. This planet is called Babaganoush. Falafel is the name of the greatest, most patriotic nation on the planet! You're very lucky you didn't land in some other country. They aren't as friendly and peaceful and tolerant as we are!"

"Really?" I was feeling rather lucky. "So, yours is a peaceful and tolerant country?"

"Oh, yes," said the Leader. "That is because we are Lennonists."

"Beg pardon?" I prompted.

"We follow the teachings of John Lennon. They were revealed to us many years ago through a Divine Warp in space-time. At the time, our people were ruled by ruthless, war-like leaders who brutally suppressed the fledgling religion. But we had Truth on our side, and now our nation is governed by benevolent Lennonist leaders." He averted his eyes modestly. "And now peace, prosperity, and liberty flourish throughout the land."

As he said this, large armored vehicles rolled by in the streets.

"Excuse me," I said somewhat injudiciously, "what are those?"

"Alas!" cried the Leader. "These are dangerous times!"

He raised a left tentacle to eye level, steadied a right one on it, sighted down his outstretched suckers, and said softly, "Dzh! Dzh!"

"I beg your pardon," I said politely, "but what was that all about?"

"What was what all about?" he asked distractedly. "Oh! I forget you aren't from around these parts. I was simply making the sign of the Holy Gun. To ward off evil, you see."

"The Holy Gun ... ?"

"Oh, yes. You see, our Savior John Lennon was martyred by the Evil Ones with a gun. So, of course, we made it the holy symbol of our religion. Look! I have an amulet in His likeness. See the great big hole in His upper protuberance? Just above his third tentacle?"

"Ah, yes," I said quickly. "Very charming."

"And here's my 'WWJD' bracelet. That stands for 'What Would John Do?' It helps guide my behavior to wear one. Have you heard the Imagine scripture about all the people living in peace and sharing? John is my favorite political philosopher."

I was feeling oddly uncomfortable, so I decided to guide the conversation back to my original question.

"What about those armored vehicles?" Oddly, that didn't make me feel more comfortable.

"Oh, yes," replied the Leader. "Remember those other people I told you about? The ones who aren't peaceful and tolerant?"

"Uh, yes."

"Well, they hate us for our peacefulness and tolerance. They aren't Lennonists. Oh, no. They are Marxists. They follow a false god called Groucho. They claim to have had a revelation via the same Divine Warp that we did, but we know that's a lie. The Divine Warp works only for us, and it delivered all the Divine Truth, first try. You should see what they consider holy relics: cigars, funny glasses, ... It's sacrilegious! Of course, we're very polite about all their errors and outright lies, because we're so tolerant."

"Did they attack you, then?" I asked breathlessly.

"They sure did!" said the Leader. "Well, not so much as we attacked them, but you can't wait on events these days."

"Gosh!" I exclaimed. "What would John do?"

"Why, exactly what I did, of course! Attack!"

"I thought John was against war," I said, as deferentially as I could.

"Of course, He's against war," said the Leader severely. "As am I. But not this war. Not a war against infidels! Peace and love and all that is for the right kind of folks. For us, not for them. Violence is the only language they understand. Did you know that those villainous Marxists spread their religion by force? Marxism or death! That's the choice they give conquered people! It's despicable!"

"So, what do you intend to do about that?" I asked.

"Kill or convert them," he said. "For their own good."

"And those ... tanks?" I persisted. "They're going to the front?"

"Those? No. They're for maintaining order at home. You'd be surprised how many Marxists and Marxist sympathizing traitors there are among us. But don't worry! We'll get them!" Muttering a soft "pop-pop-pop," the Leader again made the sign of the Holy Gun. Then he continued. "Let me tell you another way we're making this great country safe."

"Oh, was John big on nationalism?" I interjected.

"Not for bad countries," said the Leader, "but He would've loved this country! In fact, I'm sure He does! But, as I was saying, the Marxists pose a terrible threat to peace."

"You don't mean, by defending themselves against you, do you?" I asked rashly. He didn't even blink.

"They're developing GBG technology!" he snapped indignantly. "That's Great Big Gun technology! A GBG is a laser cannon that can wipe out cities."

"That is terrible!" I agreed. "What are you planning to do?"

"Torch 'em with our GBGs, of course!" he stated proudly. "Before they catch up with us!"

"Oh, ... you already have these GBG things ..." I was grappling with the concept. "Um, why is it ok for you to have GBGs, but not for them?"

He looked at me with astonishment.

"Why, it's obvious," he said. "We're the good guys! We're kind and peaceful and will only use our doomsday weapons for Good.We must have GBGs to kill the bad guys who would use them irresponsibly. It's a moral obligation!"

"Oh, my!" I said. "Look at the time! Got to be running. So many planets to visit. Thanks so much for the visit! I'll be sure to come again soon."

As I sped off in search of my next planet, I couldn't help noticing the burgeoning incandescence of Babaganoush. I wonder what John would have done.