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The Giants Meet the Mole People

Once, there were giants in the land. They lived large. Everything they did was big. They worked big. They played big. They ate big. They drank big. They loved big. And, above all, they thought big. They had big ideas. They loved big ideas, ideas like Freedom, Democracy, and the Common Good.

One day, some of the giants were having a big picnic with scads and scads of food. There were gigantic hot dogs, humongous piles of cole slaw, and great tubs of potato salad. They had their picnic in a great big park with great big tables and great big ants.

As the giants were enjoying themselves hugely, one of their number became immensely curious about an unusual looking, but not very big, rock near one of the picnic tables. He leaned down and carefully turned the rock over. And what a surprise he got ...

Under the rock was a veritable swarm of tiny people!

"Hello!" boomed the giant. "Spreken-zee par-lay voo?"

"'Scuse me, big fella?" peeped one of the tiny people. "I kinda lost you after 'hello.'"

"Oh, good!" sighed the giant. "You speak Gi'nt. How fortunate, and how convenient for the plot! Exactly who are you guys?"

"We're mole people," said the little guy.

"Oh, so you dig tunnels in the ground," suggested the giant conversationally.

"No," said the mole person. "We live under rocks. But we don't want to be called by any name consisten with that lifestyle."

"Well, welcome to Gigantia," said the giant. "Everyone's welcome here."

"Oh, really?" said the mole person with interest. "Tell me what Gigantia is like. We always just called it the other side of the rock."

"Gigantia is a free country," began the giant. "You can do whatever you please here, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone."

"I can?" said the mole person. "Great! I'll remember that. What else?"

"Gigantia is a democracy," continued the giant. "That means that you elect your leaders and vote on things that affect everyone."

"I do?" said the mole person. "I like that. Anything else?"

"Oh, yes," said the giant. "Although the majority rules, your rights as a minority are protected."

"My rights as a minority are protected," repeated the mole person. "That's good. Is that it?"

"Not by a longshot!" said the giant enthusiastically. "In Gigantia, you have a right to privacy, and everyone cooperates to promote your common good."

"Well, that's nice of them," said the mole person. "You can count us in!" That's great for us, he mused, but I wonder what's in it for them. Oh, well! Not my problem!

Perhaps I should have mentioned that this particular giant's penchant for using "you" to mean "everyone" meshed unfortunately with the mole people's inability to get their brains around big ideas. It wasn't their fault. It was just that big ideas didn't fit in their tiny brains.

*******

And so the years passed, and the mole people multiplied like ... things that live under rocks. One morning Gigantia awoke to discover that giants were no longer in the majority.

The giants were taken aback by the first MPP. "MPP" stands for "Mole People Proclamation."

"Hear ye, hear ye!" proclaimed the MPP. "No more of that 'big' stuff, understand? From now on, everything is going to be small. And you can just forget about big gatherings, like picnics in the park."

The giants immediately accosted the mole people. "Hey!" said the giants. "We're taken aback by this affront! What's the big idea?"

"There isn't any big idea," said the mole people. "That's the point. We aren't going to stand for big ideas ever again. They hurt our tiny brains."

"Now, just one minute!" protested the giants. "This is a free country. We can do anything we want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!"

"You're right about this being a free country," said the mole people, "but wrong about what that means. It means we get to do anything we want. You don't get to do anything. Your guy explained that right at the start."

"Hold on, hold on, hold on!" objected the giants. "We live in a democracy! You can't just impose your silly will on us!"

"This is a democracy, all right," said the mole people. "We get to elect our leaders. Majority rules!"

"But the rights of the minority are protected!" countered the giants.

"No, our minority rights are protected, not yours. All the protections are for us, not you! And while we're at it, here's MPP 2: All your telephone lines will be tapped, all your internet service will be monitored, and we're going to install little cameras in every room of your houses, including the bedrooms and bathrooms, to make sure you don't do anything we wouldn't do."

"That's outrageous!" roared the giants. "That's a gross violation of our most basic privacy rights!"

"Uh, uh, uh!" tsked the mole people. "We have privacy rights, not you. Don't worry. You'll get used to it."

"Ok," said the giants. "We can work this out through cooperation and compromise. Everyone has to work for the Common Good."

"Fair enough," said the mole people. "Cooperation means that you do everything we say, and we don't have to listen to a thing you say. That will promote our Common Good nicely."

So the giants discussed this new situation among themselves. If the mole people's brains were too small, the giants' brains might have been a bit too big ...

"We have to see it from their point of view," reasoned some of the giants.

"Yes, let's not be hasty to condemn!"

"They do make some good points..."

"We should give them the benefit of the doubt."

"Yes, go along with them to show good faith and win them over with reason and logic."

"They don't have any reason or logic," objected one giant. "I say we just stomp the lot of them!"

"For shame!" said the shocked giants. "That would be uncivilized. The mole people are our legitimate leaders. They must have only the interests of Gigantia at heart. They wouldn't do anything to harm us. At least, not deliberately."

"And, you know," remarked one giant, "when we're just like them, none of these egregious rules will seem outlandish."

From that day, the giants began to show a marked diminution in size, until today, we can only dimly remember that there were once giants in the land.