Developing Eden

God was so pleased with his new creation that he just had to show it to someone. Satan was only too happy to oblige.

"Hey, Big G!" grinned the old devil affably. "Long time, no see! What was the last time I was up here ... On second thought, let's skip that subject and get right on to what you wanted to see me about, shall we?"

"Thanks for coming up so quickly, Lucifer," said God.

"Any excuse to leave hell," mumbled Satan.

"Look at this great new world I've built," gushed God. "Lots of beautiful trees and flowers and animals! Clean and abundant air and water! Ample sunshine! And I'm trying something new! I call it 'people.' I've given them more than the usual intelligence and a luxuriant garden to enjoy. I had to show it all to someone. So what do you think?"

"Whoopee!" shouted Satan. "I've never seen so much undeveloped land!"

"I knew you'd like it," said God uneasily. "Um, why do I feel uneasy about your liking it? Never mind! Isn't it gorgeous? Uh, what do you mean, 'undeveloped?' The planet is teeming with life. How can it be undeveloped?"

"Oh, 'undeveloped' means 'unimproved.' It's one of those things I understand better than you. I assume you gave those 'people' things free will. Didn't you?"

"Yes, of course, I gave them free will. Uh, what do you mean, 'unimproved?' I'm feeling uneasy again. I don't like feeling uneasy."

"Don't you worry your divine head about a thing," said Satan soothingly. "You did great! Pardon me. I'll be back shortly..."

"So, you say your names are Adam and Eve?"

"Oh, yes," replied Adam. "Welcome to our lovely garden, Mr. Lucifer."

"Look! The Tree of Life is right over there," said Eve helpfully. "And that one is the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil - that's the one we're supposed to steer clear of. Now, don't you go trying to trick us into eating its fruit! Ha, ha!"

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Satan. "Not necessary. I'm here to help you develop this place."

"Develop?" said Adam and Eve in unison. "What does that mean?"

"We can put the Walmart over there by the spring," said Satan. "That will mean chopping down the Tree of Life, but we're going to need to do that anyway to provide enough wood for construction."

"That doesn't sound like such a good idea," Eve warned. "I don't think God would like it."

"What's a Walmart?" asked Adam.

"Well, it's a place you can get cheap clothes, for one thing," explained Satan.

"What are clothes?" asked Eve.

"Here. Eat this," urged Satan, offering the founding couple a handful of fruit.

"That isn't the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, is it?" asked Eve warily.

"No way," said Satan. "Why would I want you to be able to tell the difference?"

"Oh, that's all right, then," said Eve, and both of the humans ate.

"All right!" crowed Satan. "Now, we're cookin'!"

Adam and Eve were frantically trying to cover their bodies with their hands.

"What was that stuff?" gasped Adam.

"That," said Satan, "was the fruit of the Weed of the Knowledge of What an Inadequate, Pathetic Loser You Are. It grows everywhere. Don't even think about trying to root it out. Say, Eve, you could stand to lose a few pounds."

"Glurg," whimpered Eve, as she attempted to disappear.

"And you need to work on the abs, Adam," added Satan.

"Clothes! I need clothes!" wailed Adam.

"So, the Walmart goes over there," continued Satan. "And that's too far to walk. so we'll need to put in an automobile manufacturer over there and a gas station over there. The spring will be ideal for discharging industrial wastes."

"What about the clothes!" shrieked Eve.

"And we'll need a McDonald's, and a Burger King, and ... Oh, right. You can buy the clothes at the Walmart."

"Buy?" asked Adam. "What does that mean?"

"Oh, you can't get anything for free. You're going to need money! Oh, yes. We'll put the banks over there, across the garden from the factories..."

"How do we get money?" asked Eve.

"Oh, I think I can get you a job at the Walmart for a couple of bucks an hour. Adam, I can probably do a little better for you. But you can't just walk in there buck naked! What are you thinking?"

"Lucifer! What have you done to my beautiful garden?" God was pointing at the billowing black smoke where the Garden of Eden used to be.

"That's progress, Big G, progress! Oh, Adam and Eve had to move out.The neighborhood got to be too dangerous. But there's a nice little suburb, just east of Eden ..."

"Why, I oughta ..." fumed God.

"Look, don't make me out the bad guy in this," protested Satan. "That's prime real estate down there. It was going to get developed with or without me."