Tick Nation

"Mom! Mom! There's a big, fat tick on TV!"

"That's the President, Johnny."

"Mom! The President is a big, fat tick!"

"No, no, Johnny," Mom chided gently. "The President is not a tick."

"Oh." Johnny looked a bit puzzled. "But," he brightened, "all those things around him are ticks."

"No, Johnny." Mom shook her head. "Those are the Vice-President, the Cabinet, and all the leaders of Congress."

"But, Mo-om," protested Johnny, "they look just like those ugly little things that got on me and sucked my blood when we went camping. Remember that time? You pulled them off with tweezers."

"Yes, of course, dear, but these are our revered national leaders. They can't be ticks."

Johnny was thoughtful for a moment. "But didn't you tell me that ticks took over some country one time, and it took forever to get rid of them?"

"Yes, dear, that's true. But that was, as you said, some other country. Our country is too human ever to let ticks take over. We're not like those other countries."

"Hmm. I see," said Johnny. "But look at that drink the ... President has ..."

"Oh, yes. A glass of water. Important people who have to speak in public often get dry throats, so they keep a glass of water near by to help them get through their speeches."

"Mom? Is water supposed to be red?"

"Don't be silly," said Mom uneasily. "Let's listen to what the President has to say. He's talking about Blood Bank Reform. It's a very important issue."

"... And so, my fellow Americans, it is high time we took action to save our blood banks. Did you know that there is no blood left in our blood banks?" The President took a long suck from his glass of red water. "That's because they're run by non-profit organizations! Let me repeat that: non-profit! That's very wasteful and inefficient! No one is making a profit off that! We need to turn this important business over to experts who know that no activity is any good unless you make obscene profits off of it!"

"Mom? What do you call the way his tiny little head jerks from time to time?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, dear."

"Isn't it a ... tick?"

"Shush! Listen to the President!"

"I propose to create Personal Blood Bank Accounts, my fellow Americans! That way, your blood won't be wasted on the wrong kind of people, if you know what I mean. People who just waste your good blood and hardly put any in themselves!"

"Hear, hear!" said Mom. "That always bothered me, but I never felt right complaining about it until we got such an intelligent President. Now, it's all right!"

"Here's what I'm going to do, my fellow Americans: I'm going to turn the management of all the blood banks and the Personal Blood Bank Accounts over to a professional management company, Transnational Investment Corporation. TIC is run by an outstanding CEO, the esteemed Titus Attick. Of course, TIC will have to be paid a fair fee for their services - a very small percentage of your blood. Just like a little prick. You'll hardly feel it. And here's my good friend, Mr. Attick. Titus, would you please stand?"

Titus Attick rose and waved to the assemblage.

"Ah, ha!" beamed Johnny. "Now, that is a tick!"

"Of course, he isn't a tick, dear," said Mom. "The Captains of Industry are not ticks! And you really must stop talking like that! You don't want to get us in trouble, do you?"

"Trouble?" asked Johnny innocently.

"Yes! You'll get us in trouble with the ti- ... with the ... It's not patriotic," Mom finished lamely.

"I'm sorry," said Johnny. "So, what would be patriotic?"

"Why, ... keeping your mouth shut and doing as you're told, of course. It's what this country was founded on."