Close Call
copyright © 2004 by Robert L. Blau

    Were you aware that the Father of Our Country very nearly failed to become President?  It is a sad testament to the state of historical knowledge in this country that many of American citizens do not know how narrowly was disaster avoided when our First Founding Father was opposed and nearly defeated by a lying, cowardly, traitorous opponent.  But that is the purpose of this historical document:  to make the past known to all so that we may never again be tempted to fall into the trap so narrowly avoided ...

    George Washington ran for President as a war hero, as the Commander in Chief of the Continental Army, the hero of Valley Forge and the Delaware Crossing, among other things.  Many soldiers who had served under his command supported his version of events.  On the other hand, John Quincy Bush was considered by some to have given the Revolutionary War a pass, since he had hired a stand-in to fight for him, although this was a wholly honorable way to participate in the war effort.  The outcome seemed foreordained.
    Then "Q," as he is known to history, turned to his sophisticated public information team, headed by Karl Gobel.  Karl and the guys were able to find witnesses to support a different version of the events.  Some had served under Washington, and a few had even seen him from as close as 200 yards.  Chief among these was the patriot Benedict Arnold.  There were also dozens of Hessians who had been captured and ill-treated by Washington at Trenton and Princeton.
    The testimony of these eye witnesses proved several things.  First, Washington hadn't even been present at Valley Forge.  He was home in Virginia by a warm fire.  Said Irving Buttross, who shivered his way through that savage winter, "Huh!  I never saw 'im.  He must've been back in Virginia."
    Second, Washington faked the crossing of the Delaware.  Jacob Pippleheimer, another war vet, said, "I know what the Delaware is like in winter.  With all that ice in the river, there's no way he could have made that crossing.  I was always suspicious about that.  I guess you could call it a gut feeling, but it's sure enough evidence for me to smear that SOB."
    Another incident that needed clarifying was Washington's purported throwing of a dollar across the Potomac
.  Q's public information team called that rank fiscal irresponsibility in those financially straitened times.
    Then there was the story of Washington and the cherry tree.  Supposedly, he chopped the tree down and then confessed to his father because he couldn't tell a lie.  That story was revealed as completely false.  The public information guys said that demonstrated Washington's hypocrisy.  And anyway, no one that honest was fit to be President.
    Finally, there was the issue of being soft on the English.  Q's team pointed out that Washington had been an officer in the English army before the Revolutionary War.  This was cited as an example of flip-flopping.
    At this point, I must remind you of a critical piece of information.  At that time in American history, they had something called "elections."  That meant that the people got to vote for the presidential candidate they liked best. 
    Shortly after Q's razor thin victory, it was necessary to discontinue "elections," as they were too vulnerable to English terrorism.  Thus were our freedoms protected from both the ignorance of the people and the designs of the English.  And so the United States of America has enjoyed continuous prosperity and glorious military victories under the Bush Dynasty ever since.
    Nevertheless, it is wise to remember how close this nation once came to disaster.  Remember:  Freedom is not free!

Brought to you from an alternate universe not far from your own...