copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
Were you aware that the Father of Our
Country very nearly failed to
become President? It is a sad testament to the state of
historical knowledge in this country that many of American citizens do
not know how narrowly was disaster avoided when our First Founding
Father was opposed and nearly defeated by a lying, cowardly, traitorous
opponent. But that is the purpose of this historical
document: to make the past known to all so that we may never
again be tempted to fall into the trap so narrowly avoided ...
George Washington ran for President as a war hero,
as the Commander in Chief of the Continental Army, the hero of Valley
Forge and the Delaware Crossing, among other things. Many
soldiers who had served under his command supported his version of
events. On the other hand, John Quincy Bush was considered by
some to have given the Revolutionary War a pass, since he had hired a
stand-in to fight for him, although this was a wholly honorable way to
participate in the war effort. The outcome seemed foreordained.
Then "Q," as he is known to history, turned to his
sophisticated public information team, headed by Karl Gobel. Karl
and the guys were able to find witnesses to support a different version
of the events. Some had served under Washington, and a few had
even seen him from as close as 200 yards. Chief among these was
the patriot Benedict Arnold. There were also dozens of Hessians
who had been captured and ill-treated by Washington at Trenton and
Princeton.
The testimony of these eye witnesses proved several
things. First, Washington hadn't even been present at Valley
Forge. He was home in Virginia by a warm fire. Said Irving
Buttross, who shivered his way through that savage winter, "Huh! I never saw 'im. He must've been back in Virginia."
Second, Washington faked the crossing of the
Delaware. Jacob Pippleheimer, another war vet, said, "I know what
the Delaware is like in winter. With all that ice in the river,
there's no way he could have made that crossing. I was always
suspicious about that. I guess you could call it a gut feeling,
but it's sure enough evidence for me to smear that SOB."
Another incident that needed clarifying was
Washington's purported throwing of a dollar across the Potomac.
Q's public information team called that rank fiscal irresponsibility in
those financially straitened times.
Then there was the story of Washington and the
cherry tree. Supposedly, he chopped the tree down and then
confessed to his father because he couldn't tell a lie. That
story was revealed as completely false. The public information
guys said that demonstrated Washington's hypocrisy. And anyway,
no one that honest was fit to be President.
Finally, there was the issue of being soft on the
English. Q's team pointed out that Washington had been an officer
in the English army before the Revolutionary War. This was cited
as an example of flip-flopping.
At this point, I must remind you of a critical piece
of information. At that time in American history, they had
something called "elections." That meant that the people got to vote for the
presidential candidate they liked best.
Shortly after Q's razor thin victory, it was
necessary to discontinue "elections," as they were too vulnerable to
English terrorism. Thus were our freedoms protected from both the
ignorance of the people and
the designs of the English. And so the United States of America
has enjoyed continuous prosperity and glorious military victories under
the Bush Dynasty ever since.
Nevertheless, it is wise to remember how close this
nation once came to disaster. Remember: Freedom is not free!
Brought to you from an alternate
universe not far from your own...