Fire Ants
copyright © 2004 by Robert L. Blau

    There was a huge fire ant mound in the middle of the vacant lot.  The family had a meeting to discuss what to do about it.
    "Let's go stomp it out!" bellowed Father.
    "Now, let's not be too hasty," counseled Mother.  "How about if we all chip in on some ant poison? That works really well."
    "Poisons are too hard on the environment," said Johnny. "I heard that boiling water is better.  Let's try that."
    "Why do we have to do anything at all?" asked  Susie. "The mound is way out there in the vacant lot. All we have to do is keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't spread to our yard."
    "No! Stomping is the only way!" insisted Father.  "Anyway, they didn't build the mound right.  I'm going to kill the evil queen and make the ants rebuild the mound the right way."
    "Um, what do you know about building an ant mound that the ants don't?" asked Mother.
    "It should look like a house!" fumed Father. "That's what we live in, so everyone - and everything - should, too."
    And without further ado, Father herded everyone out to the mound. Then he jumped into the middle of it, feet first, dragging the others along. Of course, the ants swarmed all over them, biting like little demons.
    "This is moronic," said Susie. "Let's get out of here!"
    "Retreat is not an option!" screamed Father. "We have defeated the fire ants! Everything is going great!"
    "Have you found the evil queen yet?" asked Johnny.
    "Uh, it doesn't matter!" declared Father.
    "It doesn't?" said Susie. "Well, let's go, then."
    "Wait!" cautioned Mother.  "Jumping on the mound was a mistake, but now we're stuck. We can't just cut and run. We have a moral obligation to rebuild the ant hill."
    "And we're going to do that how?" asked Susie. "With all these ants biting us?"
    "We can't leave now," added Johnny. "What would the neighbors think? We would look like a bunch of sissies!"
    "Whereas now, we only look like a pack of loonies," said Susie.
    "It's time for the next phase!" cried Father. "We're going to slather ourselves with honey and lie down on the mound!"
    "That's crazy," Susie objected.
    "She has a point," said Mother. "You're using too much honey!  About half of that will do."
    "Honey is not the answer," said Johnny.
    "Ah," said Susie in relief. "Someone is beginning to see the light."
    "Molasses would be much better," Johnny concluded.
    Susie was heading home, neither surprised nor entirely disappointed at her impending orphanhood.