Operation CATNIP

copyright © 2005 by Robert L. Blau

General Jehosaphat Whisker Puss peered over the privacy fence. The enemy was sprawled out on its back, napping heedlessly in the afternoon sun. But this was no time for careless confidence!

"Right, troops!" hissed the General. "The hour of decision is upon us! Sharpen those claws! Sharpen that focus! Prepare to attack!"

"Uh, excuse me one moment, General," interjected Boots. "Could you explain to us one more time what we're doing?"

"Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!" muttered the General, looking heavenward for understanding. "Listen up, Force Feline! The troops do not question the General! That's the first rule in the lexicon of military strategy. Or etiquette. Or something."

"But we just want to understand, see?" whined Jonesy. "What's our motivation? Nickin' the catnip, right?"

"No, no, no!" snapped General Puss. "We're protecting ourselves from the Doberman next door! Remember when he broke into our yard? We barely escaped with all our lives! Why, Boots, you ought to understand! You lost half your tail to that brute!"

"Wouldn't've had to, if you hadn't blocked the kitty door from the inside," sniffed Boots reproachfully.

"Now, now," wheedled General Puss. "You know that the safety of the General has to be paramount."

"Well, I don't understand what attacking the neighbor cat on the other side has to do with the Doberman," persisted Jonesy.

"Jonesy," replied General Puss, "that cat is in league with the Doberman! She gives it aid and comfort!"

"Don't know about that," said Jonesy. "When the Doberman barks, she skedaddles and hides just as fast as we do. I say, we ought to call in Animal Control on the brute, if protection is what we want."

General Puss shook his head sadly. "Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. Animal Control? We're animals, too, remember? You call those guys in, they may decide they want to control us. There's just no telling what they might do. They might want to fix us..."

"How about poisoning the damn dog's food?" suggested Jonesy.

"Too dangerous," growled General Puss. "Someone would have to go right into the beast's yard ... Would you forget about the damn Doberman?"

"But I thought that was why we had to attack the neighbor cat," protested Jonesy. "I'm confused."

"No!" barked General Puss in a very unfeline manner. "I mean, yes! That is, ... that isn't important right now. The important thing is, that cat is dangerous. She's got super sharp claws and ... stuff."

"Oh, well," said Boots. "That does sound serious. So, what is it that we're supposed to do?"

"Ok," said General Puss. "First thing, secure the catnip. Very important!"

"I thought we weren't doing this for the catnip," carped Jonesy.

"Of course, we aren't," said General Puss quickly. "But we don't want the catnip to ... fall into the wrong paws. You know, in the confusion. The Doberman might get it."

"So, we're back to the Doberman?" mewed Boots.

"What good is catnip to a dog?" asked Jonesy.

"Shut up!" barked the General. "Now, listen! Our safety is at stake, and the only way to ensure our safety is to pacify the entire neighborhood. The catnip is just ... incidental."

"Coincidental, I'd say," muttered Jonesy.

"So, this operation will be called Cats Annex the Neighborhood in Peace!" declared General Puss. "Pretty catchy, don't you think? I especially like the part about 'peace.' It sounds very reassuring."

"So ... the acronym would be 'CATNIP,'" observed Boots.

"No, you idiot!" snapped General Puss. "That's 'CATNAP,' see? A catnap is a very positive, restful feline pursuit."

"But 'in' starts with an 'i,'" protested Boots.

"Forget 'in!'" shrieked General Puss. "'In' is an insignificant little word! It doesn't get its own letter in the acronym!"

"But 'the' does," Jonesy pointed out. "'The' is also an insignificant little word..."

"No, no, no!" insisted General Puss. "The two words aren't anything like each other!"

"But where does the 'a' in 'nap' come from, then?" asked Boots. "It doesn't have any word at all to stand for."

"You can't pronounce 'CATNP!'" screamed the General. "You need the 'a' to fill it out!"

"But you could fill it out with the 'i' from 'in,'" objected Boots.

"Shut up about the 'i,' already!" shrieked Puss. "Attack! Attack! Attack! ... Oh, and don't forget to secure the catnip. And I'll just watch from here. Can't be too careful."

And so began Operation CATNIP. Um, CATNAP...

*****

"What was all the hissing and spitting in the yard about, Honey?"

"Oh, it was just those neighbor cats pestering our Snookums again."

"Was that big, ugly Tom among them?"

"No, he was just kind of peering over the fence."

"There's something wrong with that cat, you know. I blame his masters for giving him such an ostentatious, yet silly, name. So, any harm done?"

"Nah, course not. All I had to do was show my face, and they turned tail. Even the stupidest cat is smart enough to know when it's the intruder, and to get out."

"Yeah, well, that isn't rocket science, you know."