Interview with the Justice

Special to the Daily Dishrag - The DD was on the scene as the newest Supreme Court justice emerged from his historic confirmation and obtained an interview unlike any granted to any other news medium ...

DD: Justice! Justice!

JT (flinching, covering his head): What? Where? Where?

DD: Uh, no. I was referring to you, Justice Thamuz.

JT: Ah, I see. You had me worried for a moment there. I vow never to let that j... j... j..., um, J-word stuff anywhere near the Supreme Court.

DD: Sir, the Democrats mounted a powerful opposition to your nomination. They ...

JT: They did? O-o-oh, yes! They did!

DD: They really asked you some tough questions, and you gave some really elusive answers. Now that you're in for life, I would like to ask you again about some of the issues that were raised.

JT: Eternity.

DD: I beg your pardon?

JT: For me, it's eternity, not life. Remember, I'm an altitude-challenged angel.

DD: Oh! Oh, yes. So, what is your position on the environment?

JT: Let it all go up in flames! Everyone needs to get ready for what I have in store for them. Way too cold up here, anyway.

DD: What about abortion?

JT: I'm against it.

DD: One might think that a ... person such as yourself might be in favor of abortion. Could you explain?

JT: Then you don't know much about me, do you? I'm a very religious being.

DD: Y-you? Religious?

JT: Damn straight! I'm a Torquemada Christian! Taught the lad all he knew, actually. Google me. You'll see.

DD: Ah. And what is your position on presidential powers? Will you act to make the Supreme Court and effective balance to the Executive?

JT: You're kidding, right?

DD: Let's talk about the confirmation. Were you ever worried that your nomination might be rejected?

JT: Oh, hell no. Hee, hee.

DD: But all that Democratic opposition ...

JT: I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Democrats. They were most helpful. I particularly liked the one who we just disagreed, but that didn't mean I shouldn't be on the Supreme Court. Just a little disagreement among honorable beings. Hee, hee.

DD: Weren't you even worried when they attempted to launch a last-ditch exorcism?

JT: What a kidder you are! Ha, ha! I liked the guy who said that they shouldn't mess around with gimmicks like exorcism, that what they really had to do was convince the American people that I actually wanted to damn them all to hell, rather than serve their interests.

DD: Well?

JT: Well, of course, I'll see them all in hell, and most of them know it. They didn't want me, but my buds did, and that's all that matters. Fancy that guy not knowing that the American people have nothing to do with appointing Supreme Court justices. Anyway, the real reason they could never do a convincing exorcism is that they gave away the power months ago.

DD: But the moderates agreed to preserve the exorcism ...

JT: Hee, hee, hee! The great 'compromise.' The Demos agreed never to use the power in return for our promise to perpetuate the fiction that they had it.

DD: So, all in all, Justice Thamuz, you seem very happy with the whole process of your nomination and confirmation. Was there any part of it that got up your nose at all?

JT: Oh, yes! Glad you asked! There was one thing, and Abaddon had a similar experience.

DD: You're speaking of Chief Justice Abaddon the Destroyer. Am I correct?

JT: Yes, of course.

DD: So, ... what was the annoyance?

JT: The damned liberal media insisted on demonizing me!