Toward More Stately Palaces

Once upon a time (it must have been very long ago), in a rather unextraordinary little country (it must have been very far away), there lived a peaceful and industrious, yet discontented, people. The people were discontented because they were rootless and unfocused. Fortunately, there were among them some wise Architects, and the Architects had an idea.

The Architects proposed to build a beautiful palace, which was to be shared by all the people. The palace was to be a community center, and all of the people were to have free and equal access. The people thought this was a great idea, and everyone pitched in to build an edifice that was both beautiful and functional.

"Oh, there's just one more thing," said the Architects on the day the palace was dedicated. "This is a momentous occasion, which all your hard work has made possible, but your labors do not end with this dedication."

There was some groaning and muttering among the people, but the Architects continued.

"Everyone must work hard to keep this palace in tip-top shape. You must keep it clean and orderly, repair or replace the things that break or decay, and ... ABOVE ALL ... keep the palace TERMITE FREE!"

The people found these conditions reasonable and agreed to do their part to maintain the wonderful palace. And they were as good as their word. At first. But after a while, they began to find palace maintenance duty increasingly onerous as they attempted earn livings, raise families, and otherwise have what might be considered a life.

Then someone had a clever idea.

"Why not," proposed this clever person, "designate some people whose sole duty it will be to look after the palace? Then we can all pitch in and pay them for their service. The burden would be shared equally, and the palace would be cared for by specialists who don't need to divide their time among too many responsibilities."

Most of the people liked this idea, and so they put the proposal into effect. Dedicated Palace Guardians were duly hired, and everyone was content.

It turned out that the Architects were right to be concerned about termites. The voracious little beasties were forever trying to get in and chew up the palace. And sometimes they would succeed to some extent, and then the palace had to be repaired, but as long as the Palace Guardians were alert, the integrity of the palace was maintained.

One day, a termite delegation marched up to the front door of the Palace Guardians' offices and demanded a hearing.

"Listen," said the termite spokesinsect, "we want our fair share of the palace."

"You aren't entitled to any share of the palace," said the Palace Guardians. "The Architects said to keep the palace termite free."

"Of course they did!" agreed the termite. "They meant the palace was to be free to termites. That's what 'termite free' means. The intentions of the Architects were very clear on that point."

"Pardon me while I get the bug spray," said one of the Palace Guardians.

"Now, just one cotton pickin' minute!" protested the spokesinsect. "We're willing to negotiate."

"We're not negotiating with you," said the Palace Guardians.

"What?" gasped the termite. "You won't negotiate? We've taken the liberty of inviting the press to this little gathering, by the way. See how intransigent these people are? Won't even negotiate in good faith. Now, here's the situation. We want to eat the palace. You don't want us to eat the palace. I say, we get to eat half the palace. Now, that's a reasonable compromise. What could be fairer than that?"

The newspaper reporters began scribbling furiously, nodding their heads, and gibbering.

"That's right!"

"Oh, yes! You've got to compromise!"

"Democratic way, that is!"

Then some of the Palace Guardians began to have second thoughts.

"We-e-ell, I suppose we could give them some access ..."

"No one can say we aren't fair ..."

So it wasn't long before termites began appearing in the palace in increasing numbers. And the palace began to look a bit rattier. And the walls began to deteriorate. Just a little. And then the termites presented another proposal.

"We want to be Palace Guardians!"

"That's outrageous!" protested the Palace Guardians.

"We love the palace just as much as you do," countered the termites. "Maybe more! And who knows more about wood than a termite? You wouldn't want to be uncooperative, would you?"

"Uncooperative? Gosh, no!" capitulated the Palace Guardians.

So the termites became Palace Guardians. Then came the Oriental Woodborer Incident.

"Oriental Woodborers have been detected in the vicinity of the palace!" announced the termite queen.

"Good heavens!" gasped the people. "What the heck is an Oriental Woodborer?"

"Why, just the most destructive, wood consuming insect in the world, that's what!"

"Oh, dear! Oh, dear!" fretted the people.

"Just let us take care of everything," said the queen. "We know how to handle foreign wood eaters. Who would know better?"

As the people wandered through the sparse sawdust remains of the palace, they wondered aloud to each other ...

"I thought the termites were on our side. I mean, they were Palace Guardians, and all that ..."

"The palace had been around for so many years. I was sure it would last forever ..."

"It took so long to build. How did they demolish it so fast?"

"Maybe it's because they don't do anything but tear things down."

"But you must admit, the Oriental Woodborers didn't get the palace!"

"And what the heck is an Oriental Woodborer ... ?"