Junkyard Dogs

Junk was the lifeblood of Junkville. The citizens of Junkville produced junk. They bought it, they sold it, they exchanged it. They used it as currency. When neighbor met neighbor, they would exchange the following cheerful greeting: "Hey, let's talk trash!"

Since junk was so central to Junkville, it should be no surprise that the junkyard was the heart, soul, and treasure of the town. Or that this essential resource should be diligently preserved and protected. For this purpose, the people of Junkville employed junkyard dogs.

Of course, these were not ordinary junkyard dogs. They were carefully selected by a ... select committee and vetted by the entire town. The dogs had to be able to distinguish between honest citizens who had business in the junkyard and thieves who snuck in to steal the people's junk. This system held up pretty well for many years.

Then Junktown elected a new mayor, whose name was Barkus, and a new city council. The majority of the new council were friends of Mayor Barkus. Mayor Barkus ran a thriving business in attack dogs. His dogs were trained to attack and kill on sight anyone they didn't know. Before long, Mayor Barkus began complaining about the junkyard dogs.

"Those are dangerous, vicious animals!" declaimed Mayor Barkus, waving a heavily bandaged hand.

"Only to thieves," replied Councilman Higgins, a holdover from the previous council. "They're very well trained."

"Trained shmained!" scoffed the mayor. "We have dozens of reported incidents in which they've attacked law abiding citizens who had legitimate business in the junkyard!"

"Gosh," said Councilman Higgins. "Could I see those reports?"

"Certainly!" said the mayor. "I'll see that you get them as soon as my guys write them up. But we have a solution!"

"Yes, a solution!" roared the mayor's councilmen.

"We will replace the current miscreants with really great new junkyard dogs!" declared the mayor.

"Yes, new junkyard dogs!" agreed the mayor's councilmen.

"New dogs?" asked Councilman Higgins. "I suppose we could do that, if necessary. We'll just get the select committee together ..."

"Don't you worry your head about that!" said the mayor. "I have already appointed a new committee!"

"That would be us," intoned the mayor's councilmen.

"Um, well, we suppose that's ok, since you're the mayor," mumbled the council members who were not the mayor's. "And then everyone can get together to discuss the nominees."

"Forget that crap!" bellowed the mayor. "My guys will take care of everything!"

"Forget that crap," echoed the mayor's councilmen.

"Uh, I don't think so," objected Councilman Higgins. "We have a tradition here in Junktown."

"Not anymore!" replied the mayor. "It's not in the city charter!"

The minority council members were not convinced. "Just where do you plan to get these dogs?" they asked.

"Well, they're my dogs, of course," the mayor said without embarrassment. "Best junkyard dogs there are!"

"There are," said the mayor's councilmen.

"But those dogs are killers, aren't they?" gulped Councilman Higgins. "How would we control them? Weren't you just complaining that the current dogs are too vicious?"

"You're comparing apples and fruit," explained the mayor. "Of course, anyone who isn't on my side should be attacked and eviscerated without mercy. But not ... just look at this!" He brandished his injured hand. "Of course, the dogs are all trained to obey my guys."

"Obey us," droned the mayor's councilmen.

"I'm afraid we can't agree to this," sputtered Councilman Higgins. "It will give you complete control of the junkyard, and shut everyone else out. You'll trample all over the people's rights!"

"So?" smiled the mayor. "And do you dare to defy the will of the majority?"

"The majority," intoned the mayor's councilmen.