Home, Safe Home

Dramatis Personae:

Mr. Fidget, a homeowner

"Ron," a customer service representative in Bangalore

Various and sundry burglars

Mr. Fidget: Hello? SecureIt Home Safety Systems? We're having a slight problem with the home security system you installed last Tuesday.

"Ron": Hello! A SecureIt home is a safe home! This is "Ron." And you are ... Mr. Fidget, is it?

Mr. Fidget: Yes, I'm afraid so. About your security system ...

"Ron": Yes? What seems to be the problem?

Mr. Fidget: It doesn't work, that's what! Why, we have 17 burglars resident in the house at this very moment. Your alarm didn't even go off!

"Ron": Oh, dear. That does sound like a bit of a glitch. But before we go troubleshooting the system, I have to ask you a few questions.

Mr. Fidget: Questions? What kind of questions? Like, are they armed? The answer is, 'yes.' They've stolen all the weapons from my gun cabinet.

"Ron": No, not that. Do they have access cards?

Mr. Fidget: I ... beg your pardon? Access cards? Access to what?

"Ron": Why, to your home, of course.

Burglar: Yep! Got mine right here!

Mr. Fidget: Did you hear that? That was one of the burglars ...

Burglar: Guests, fella! Not burglars.

Mr. Fidget: I beg your pardon! Did you hear that? Now, they're all waving plastic cards at me!

"Ron": Ah, I see, Mr. Fidget. It's perfectly all right, then. They've been cleared.

Mr. Fidget: What do you mean, 'perfectly all right?' They're robbing me blind! Not only that, but they won't leave! Who 'cleared' them? And for what?

"Ron": We cleared them, Sir. To enter your house.

Mr. Fidget: To enter my ... Who gave you permission to let them into my house in the first place?

"Ron": It was a court settlement, Mr. Fidget. They sued us because our home security systems excluded them from other people's homes as burglars. Defamation of character, they said. We can't afford the court costs, so we're letting them through.

Mr. Fidget: How come nobody asked me if it was ok to let these burglars into my house ...?

All Burglars: Hey, who ya calling 'burglars?' We're guests! Burglars sneak into houses, steal things, and go. We come in with the blessing of your home security provider, steal things, and stay. It's very different. If you persist in calling us ... the 'B' word, we'll have to sue you, too!

"Ron": Phew! I'm glad to see that our home security system is working properly! You had me worried for a minute there! Thank you for using SecureIt Home Security Systems! A SecureIt home is a safe home!

Certain spyware - excuse me adware - proliferators have sued to have their ... products excluded from anti-spyware software definitions, and some anti-spyware companies have quietly complied.