revised rules

Revised Rules

    "Ah, ha! Caughtcha! I go up the mountain for a lousy 40 days, and what do you do? Run off and make false gods, that's what! I can't leave you alone for two minutes, can I?"
    Moses was pissed.
    "You guys have no sense of personal responsibility! Well, you should be grateful to learn that God has given me Ten Commandments to help you toe the line. And, of course, the Priests and the Levites will be watching every move you make."
    The Israelites started milling around guiltily - shifting from one foot to the other, looking down at their feet, noticing that their feet kept shifting from one to the other ...
    "These Ten Commandments," ventured one Israelite. "Exactly what do they say?"
    "No god but Jehovah, no killing, no stealing, no cheating on your wife, ..."
    "Well, it's not as if any of this is written in stone," interrupted the venturesome Israelite.
    "Actually," said Moses, plunking down two large stone tablets, "it is. Some day, copies of these babies are going to be posted in every school and courthouse in the world."
    "And do these Commandments apply to everyone?" asked another Israelite.
    "Absolutely!" said Moses. "From the lowest peon to my brother, the High Priest. That's the way God wants it."
    "Hmph," muttered the Israelites. Some were supportive, some grumbled, and some were hostile, but God had spoken, and the rules were the same for everyone, so they made the best of it.

    Some weeks had passed when a man named Jacob made a complaint to Aaron the High Priest.
    "And just what seems to be the matter?" inquired Aaron.
    "Remember the Ten Commandments?" asked Jacob.
    "Certainly," replied Aaron. "Word of God, and all that."
    "And do you remember Number 7?" continued Jacob.
    "Sure," said Aaron. "Thou shalt not steal. So?"
    "Well, Moses stole my new robe," huffed Jacob.
    "Oh, I hardly think Moses, the Levite Majority Leader, would do something like that ..."
    "I'll prove it," said Jacob. "Look! He's wearing it right now! Hey, Moses! That's my robe you're wearing!"
    Moses looked up.
    "What? This old thing?" he pooh-poohed. "I got it at a sale at Target. I even have the sales receipt here. Um, ... Well, I guess I left that in my other robe. But I can find it."
    "No, look!" insisted Jacob, and he strode up to Moses and pulled on the robe at the back of Moses's neck. "See that? It says 'Jacob.'"
    Sure enough, the name "Jacob" appeared stitched on the inside neck of the robe.
    "My wife insists on sewing my name on all my clothes, in case ..." Jacob looked darkly at Moses. "... something like this should happen."
    "Hmm. Hadn't noticed that," said Moses. "I've got to be more careful."
    By this time, many of the Israelites had gathered around.
    "You know, that isn't all," volunteered a young man named Elijah. "The other day, when I got back to my tent after wandering around in the desert, I found Moses in the sack with my wife."
    "Moses was in bed with your wife?" asked Aaron, giving Moses a surreptitious nudge and wink.
     "Well, it really was a sack," said Elijah. "You know we don't have proper beds out here. Anyway, I think that was a violation of Numbers 6 and 9 - the adultery and wife-coveting Commandments."
    "I never ... " objected Moses, returning Aaron's nudge. "Any more than I took ol' Jacob's robe ..."
    "And that," said Jacob, "is a violation of Number 8, the one about lying!"
    "Well, I can see that the Chamber of Levites will have to meet to discuss this," said Aaron. "Perhaps the rules need a little clarification or even revision to ensure fairness."
    "Um, yes!" cried Moses. "The very thing! We need a rule that says the Levite Majority Leader doesn't have to lose his job if he violates any of the Commandments."
    "Not subtle enough," whispered Aaron.
    "I thought the Commandments were written in stone!" objected Elijah.
    "They are," agreed Aaron soothingly. "But we have a lot of chiselers."

    And so the Chamber of Levites met to consider revisions to the Ten Commandments. And returned with their results.
    "So, what did you do?" demanded the Israelites. "I hope you didn't adopt that rule about letting the Majority Leader off the hook for Commandment violations!"
    "No, no, of course not," replied Moses mildly. "We just added one thing, the Eleventh Commandment. This is it: 'Thou shalt not investigate any allegation of Commandment violation without a majority vote of the Levites.'"
    "Oh, that's a lot better," said the Israelites.
    "Wait a minute!" objected Jacob. "That sounds fishy to me!"
    "What's fishy?" asked Moses. "It's a simple matter of fairness. A person is innocent until proven guilty, right? You wouldn't want to go sullying someone's reputation without the ok of a responsible body ..."
    "Which you control," Jacob interjected.
    "... a responsible body, which I control," Moses concluded.
    "How about my brother?" objected a voice from the back. "He was arrested and whisked away heaven knows where. No one's heard of him since. What happened to 'innocent until proven guilty' there?"
    "Who?" asked Moses. "Oh, yeah. That guy. He looked like a Midianite. Midianites and Midianite sympathizers aren't entitled to a presumption of innocence. And if he was your brother, ... Yes, you do look a bit Midianitish ..."
    "Hey," objected Elijah, "I thought these Commandments were supposed to apply to everyone equally. You guys in charge change them whenever it suits you. What's with that?"
    "That," said Moses, "is the unwritten Commandment. Didn't you know?"