copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
Special to the Daily Dishrag - The Bush administration announced today
that it had sacked the entire Iraqi Governing Council and returned
power to Saddam Hussein in a brief ceremony. Presidents Bush and
Saddam were seen smiling broadly, shaking hands, and kissing each other
on both cheeks. By way of explanation, Vice President Dick Cheney
remarked, "One thing you've got to say for those Baathists: They
sure know how to keep order. Al-Sadr'll never know what hit him."
DD's own Brian Beegle caught up with the happy
presidents after the ceremony and recorded this exclusive interview:
BB: Mr. President, I must admit I'm surprised.
GB/SH: Which "Mr.
President?"
BB: Um, the elected one.
GB/SH: That would be neither of us.
BB: Fair enough. President Bush, after all the bad blood
between you and Mr. Saddam here, how come he's suddenly President of
Iraq again?
GB: All of the ... unpleasantness was just a little
misunderstanding. All water under the bridge.
SH: Or into the sand. Hee, hee.
BB: A little misunderstanding?
SH: Oh, yes. Take that whole Kuwait thing. The
American ambassador told me it was ok for me to annex it. If my ambassador had made a mistake
like that, I would've be roasted her over a slow flame.
GB: Oh, me, too. But that was my dad's
administration. Remember?
BB: But what about all the blood that's been shed? The
massive destruction? What about the Governing Council and
democracy?
GB: That'll all be revisionist history in a couple of days.
Never happened, once we work out the correct spin.
SH: George and I simply realized that we had a common enemy.
BB: A ... er, common enemy? And who would that be?
GB: The Iraqi people, of course. Ungrateful little
sods. Wouldn't stop shooting at us once we'd bombed them out fair
and square. And the soldiers we trained stabbed us in the
back. Wouldn't kill other Iraqis, they said. Little
chickenshits. So, I thought, what's that about? Then
General Abizaid got the ball rolling by bringing back officers from
Saddam's army.
SH: Yeah. They have lots
of experience in killing other Iraqis.
GB: And I thought, hey, I've got an election coming up and a war
that's out of control. So, who's the last guy to successfully
pacify Iraq?
SH: Oh, George, you make me blush.
BB: So, President Bush, let's see if I can get this
straight. You said that we invaded Iraq because they abetted
al-Qaeda. That turned out not to be true.
GB: Right, Brian, but it wasn't important.
BB: Then, you said it was because of the Iraqi weapons of mass
destruction. But there weren't any.
SH: Didn't I tell you? But you wouldn't listen.
GB: The WMDs weren't important, Brian.
BB: So, then, it was to save the Iraqi people from a brutal
dictator - no offense.
GB: That wasn't important, Brian. Certainly less important
than my election campaign.
BB: What about freedom and democracy in Iraq?
GB: I'm still four-square behind that, but a real, patriotic
Iraqi like President Saddam is better suited to force democracy on
those people. Safe democracy. Not the kind where they're
allowed to choose someone I don't like.
BB: Gentlemen, I ... just can't think of another question.