"Like
the Second World War, our present conflict began with a ruthless
surprise attack on the United States." -- George W. Bush
If the Second World War really were like "the present
conflict" ... Dramatis Personae:
Franklin Delano Roosevelt ("FDR"), a President
Henry A. Wallace, a Vice President
Henry L. Stimson, a Secretary of War
Francis Biddle, an Attorney General
FDR is seated at his desk in the Oval Office, shuffling papers.
Wallace and Stimson burst in, highly excited ...
Wallace: Mr. President! Mr. President! Japan has
attacked Pearl Harbor!
FDR: Oh, dear! Hide me! Hide me!
Stimson: No, no! You don't understand! This is
wonderful news. It's everything we've been waiting for!
FDR: It is?
Stimson: Yes! Absolutely! Now we can invade Russia.
FDR: We can? Uh, that's good? Oh, yes. That's good! We've been wanting to
invade Russia for years and years. But how does the Japanese
attack on Pearl Harbor figure in?
Wallace: Everyone's scared shitless. They'll do anything we
say.
Stimson: And follow
this: Stalin and Hitler signed a non-aggression treaty.
Hitler is an ally of Japan. Ergo, this is all Stalin's fault!
FDR: Aren't Germany and Russia at war right now?
Wallace: A small detail. It will never stand up to our
assertion that the Krauts and Russkies are in cahoots.
Stimson: Anyway, the presence of German troops in Russia confirms
the link. Why else would they be in Russia?
FDR: You mean, other than slaughtering people and laying waste
the land?
Stimson: Right. Besides that.
FDR: Will the Russo-German link be enough to justify our own
invasion?
Stimson: If not, we can announce that the Soviet Union has
terrible weapons that are even now aimed at the U.S. heartland and that
they can strike us in a matter of minutes.
FDR: From all the way over there, even with the German army
camping out on the lawn? Er, that is, of course they can, the
Commie bastards. But what if the People don't think that's
enough? Worse, what if they find out this is a pack of lies?
Wallace: Don't worry! The People aren't that smart.
Anyway, we can always say that Stalin is a brutal dictator who kills
his own people, and he just has to be removed.
FDR: And what about Hitler and the Japanese military? You
could say the same about them.
Stimson: Ah, but they're our friends.
FDR: They are? Then how come the Japs just attacked Pearl
Harbor, and the Germans are invading all our allies?
Wallace: Screw our allies. Who needs 'em? After you
explain how it's really the Russkies who are to blame, everyone will
think they attacked Pearl
Harbor. The People are very suggestible.
FDR: But aren't the
Japs and Krauts are enemies? Look! We even call them by
demeaning names!
Stimson: Yeah, but they're very friendly with large corporations,
whereas the Russkies are a bunch of Commies. Their leadership, that is. Of
course, we think the Russian people are the salt of the earth, and
we're going to bring democracy and capitalism to them.
Wallace: Same thing, really, democracy and capitalism.
FDR: How are we going to bring democracy and capitalism to the
Russkies?
Stimson: In the bombay doors of our B-29s, of course. In
the cannons of our tanks. In the guns of our infantry.
FDR: And after the invasion ... ?
Wallace: I have all the contracts signed for my buds to go on in
and rebuild the place. It'll be a cakewalk.
Stimson: Of course, no one said it would be a cakewalk.
FDR: Oh, we have to get Biddle in here. Biddle!
Enter Biddle.
Biddle: Sir?
FDR: Remember that awful, Communistic legislation we wanted to
repeal?
Biddle: You mean the so-called Bill of Rights?
FDR: Yeah, that's it. Well, it doesn't apply anymore.
Now, we've got an excuse to move! I want you to go out and write
up a bill that shreds the shit out of it.