Once upon a time, in the great Long Ago, the Lion was not the fierce and savage beast we know today.  Oh, he had the massive muscles, the deafening roar, the razor claws, and the terrible teeth.  But, due to his placid personality and mild manner, none of the other animals feared him.  And oh, yes.  He was a vegetarian.
    In those days, the Lion was everyone's favorite mediator.  Whenever there was a dispute over grazing rights, a disagreement about hunting territories, or a water hole tiff, there was always one thing all parties could agree to:  the call went out for the Lion.  His patience was legendary, his impartiality a watchword.  "Why, So-and-so is as patient as lion," they used to say, or "His impartiality was positively leonine!"  Another popular saying was "gentle as a lion."  Some of the animals began to call the Lion "the First Among Animals," but the Lion himself blushingly rejected such titles.

    Then came the Great Grazing Crisis.  The Wildebeest and the Antelope both claimed the right to graze the entire Great Plain, but rejected the other's claim to the same right.  Tempers were getting short, and horns were getting sharpened.  Of course, the Lion was called in to simmer things down, and for a while, the disputants did temper their ... tempers.  But an agreement was slow in coming.
    One night, the Lion was visited by a pack of weasels.
    "All hail the Lion, the First Among Animals!" cried Dickie the Weasel.
    "All hail the Lion, Commander in Chief of Animals!" intoned Georgie the Weasel with engaging smarm.
    "Is the Lion the King of Beasts who is to be?" asked Donnie the Weasel rhetorically. "You bet!  All hail, and all that."
    "What on earth are you prattling about?" growled the Lion.
    "Hey, how're the negotiations going?" asked Dickie the Weasel. "Not so well, I heard."
    "Oh, they're just so stubborn!" complained the Lion, relieved to have ears, however weasely, to listen to his tale of woe. "I've proposed fourteen different compromises, all perfectly fair, but somebody always has an objection.  'Not close enough to water' or 'too many hyenas in the bush' or any of two dozen others.  This has been going on for weeks!  My legendary patience is being sorely tried!"
    "You know," said Dickie the Weasel sympathetically, "you have other tools at your disposal."
    "What do you mean?" bristled the Lion. "What other tools?"
    "Why not try a little roar?" suggested Dickie the Weasel. "Lay down the law.  Tell them - loudly, and in no uncertain terms - how it's going to be.  I'll bet that would sort them out in a hurry."
    The Lion thought about that for a minute.  "Nah," he said finally. "That would be unprofessional.  Not only that, but not nice.  Anyway, I have another solution to propose.  This one'll knock their hides off."
    "Well, just think about it," whispered the weasels, as they faded back into the night.

    But no hides were knocked off the next day.  After the Wildebeest and the Antelope had unanimously rejected the Lion's compromise, negotiations went from bad to abysmal, and then stalled completely.  Finally, the Lion lost his patience, and the weasels' words tiptoed into his brain.
    "OK, YOU RECALCITRANT RUMINANTS!" roared the Lion. "THAT'S IT!  HERE'S HOW IT'S GOING TO BE:  ANTELOPE!  THAT'S YOUR SIDE OF THE GREAT PLAIN!  WILDEBEEST!  YOU GRAZE OVER THERE!  NOBODY CROSSES THAT LINE, SEE?"
    "Ulp!" peeped the Antelope and the Wildebeest as one. "Yes, sir!"
    "Hey, another problem solved by the First Among Animals!" boomed the Lion.

    The roaring was quite effective for a time.  The Lion's prestige may have slipped a little, but not so anyone really noticed.  Then came the Infernal Hunting Hullabaloo.  This one was between the tawny Leopard and the morose Hyena.  The problem, basically, was who got to prey on the Wildebeest and the Antelope under the new arrangement.  Each predator claimed the exclusive right to prey on both species to the exclusion of the other predator.  The Lion roared himself hoarse, but neither party was willing to budge.
    Then the weasels returned.
    "Hey, Lion," said Dickie the Weasel, "how are the negotiations going?"
    "Not well," whispered the Lion. "I tried reason.  They have none.  I tried charm.  They weren't buying.  I tried jokes.  No one laughed.  Of course, the Hyena never laughs at anything.  Then I roared my lungs out, but those guys just aren't intimidated."
    "But," said Georgie the Weasel, "you still have other tools at your disposal."
    "What other tools?" wheezed the Lion painfully.
    "What about them razor claws?" wheedled Georgie the Weasel. "I reckon one good slash would get those bozos to line up."
    "I couldn't," said the Lion with challenged audibility. "That would be violence.  I'm a disciple of Mahatma Gandhi."
    "Have it your way," shrugged the weasels, as they slithered off. "Just think about it, that's all."

    The next day was more disastrous than the previous one.  The disputants were unyielding, and the Lion couldn't even talk, much less roar.
    "I think we're about done here," said the Leopard. "Now, it's just you and me."
    "I agree," glared the Hyena.
    The two beasts started circling each other menacingly, when the Lion lost his temper and remembered the weasel words.  With one slash of his mighty paw, he sent the Hyena tumbling into the bushes.  Then he beat such a tattoo on the tawny Leopard that he broke out in the spots that we now take for granted.  Then, not having a voice, the Lion pointed to the hunting areas that belonged to each beast, and they scurried away with their tails between their legs.  Finally, with a mighty effort, the Lion summoned up a remnant of his lost voice:
    "I guess I am the Commander in Chief of Animals!"

    Bye and bye, the Lion's roar returned, and the combination of fierce roar and razor claws served him splendidly.  Until the Wicked Water Hole Impasse, that is.  All of the animals were involved in that.  There hadn't been enough rain, for one thing, and no one was willing to defer to anyone else when it came to water.  The strong were muscling the weak, and the natural balance was threatened.  The animals had actually become rather hesitant to call on the Lion to mediate anymore, but the stalemate wore on, and there was nothing for it but to call in the Lion.  Unfortunately, roaring and slashing were not working, and still the impasse continued.
    And who should turn up but the weasels?
    "Big crisis, eh?" coaxed Dickie the Weasel.
    "'Big' doesn't adequately describe it," moaned the Lion. "No one will give an inch.  I've tried everything from cajolery to bullying, and nothing works."
    "But," volunteered Donnie the Weasel, "do you have other tools?  Of course, you do!"
    "Of course, I don't!" groused the Lion. "What are you talking about?"
    "Are those terrible teeth in your mouth?" queried Donnie the Weasel. "I'd say they are."
    "Come on," urged the Lion. "What are you driving at?  Out with it!"
    "Could you take a big bite out of someone?" proposed Donnie the Weasel. "I bet you could!"
    "Oh, no!" objected the Lion. "No way!  A bit of clawing is one thing, but biting could be fatal!  I'm not having any part of that."
    Again, the weasels shrugged.
    "Should you think about it?" asked Donnie the weasel, as the weasels faded back into the night. "You bet your bippie!"

    Day followed day, with no resolution.  The Lion's patience ceased to be legendary for all time, and he found the rhetorical questions of Donnie the Weasel clogging his synapses.  When the mighty temper broke, a zebra was the Lion's nearest neighbor.  In a bound, he was on the zebra, tearing a large mouthful from its flank.  The zebra went down under an assault of claws and jaws.
    "ANYONE ELSE WANT A PIECE OF ME, HUH?" roared the Lion. "ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TANGLE WITH THE KING OF BEASTS?"
    There were no takers.  The Lion laid out his plan for water hole sharing, and everyone meekly agreed.
    There was one other thing.
    "Hmm," mused the Lion. "That tasted good!"
    From that day forward, the newly self-crowned King of Beasts took his place at the forefront of predators, and few there were who dared to cross him.
    There is little left to tell.  One day, the animals decided to appoint a committee to ensure that the weaker animals were not unduly exploited.  Included on the committee were the Leopard and the morose Hyena.  The Lion was incensed.
    "The King of Beasts believes that animals that routinely and systematically prey on weaker animals should not be selected to review the predatory performance of other animals," stated the Lion.
    And that is how the Hyena got his laugh.