copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
It happened that God took pity on the souls
suffering in hell. And he decided to let them off the hook.
Literally, in some cases.
"Listen up, guys!" said God. "I'm going to take you
all out of hell and put you someplace else."
"Gosh, that's great," said the damned. "So, you're
letting us into heaven?"
"Not exactly," said God. "I'm going to put you
someplace where you won't suffer endless torment."
"No torment?" asked the damned.
"I didn't say that,"
said God. "I can't promise that you won't ever suffer, but it won't be
always and forever, like it is in hell. And there won't be
ubiquitous and eternal fire."
"No fire?" asked the damned.
"I didn't say that,"
said God. "I can't promise that there won't ever be any fire, or that
you won't ever get burned, but it won't be constant. And I'll get
the demons off your backs."
"No more demons?" asked the damned.
"I didn't say that,
exactly," said God. "I can't promise that a demon won't pop up now and
again, or that they'll always leave you alone, but none of that
perpetual pitchforking. And you won't live in the omnipresence of
evil."
"No more evil?" asked the damned.
"Well, I didn't quite say that," said God. "I can't promise
that there will be no evil, but it won't be the oppressive omnipresence
you're used to down there."
"No thanks," said the damned.
"No thanks?"
gasped God. "I have offered to free you from eternal torment and
anguish. Why not?"
"Because," replied the damned, "not being hell is
an inadequate qualification for a place of residence."