copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
Please pardon my smugness, but, you see, I was
one of the few who got it right all those years ago. Of course,
it's easy to see now, especially from my vantage point in heaven.
My friend Soji is tugging at my elbow. He wants me to tell you
that he got it right, too.
Back in the 1930s, though, it wasn't easy being a
German Jew who supported Adolph Hitler. "What? You liked
Hitler?" I hear you gasp. No, of course I didn't.
Nevertheless, I argued against those who wanted to depose him
quickly. He was a madman, they said. A vicious, virulent
anti-semite. The whole world could see that. Couldn't
I? Well, of course I could. But here's the point they were
missing: all German politicians were anti-Semites back
then. What would we gain by replacing this obvious monster with a
sly, subtle monster? There wasn't a dime's worth of difference
between all of the political leaders who could have been
Chancellor. What we needed - what the world needed! - was for
Germany to make enemies of the entire world and get their butts kicked
so that new, progressive leadership would arise.
"Chaim," they said, "how can you say they're all the
same? There has never been anyone like this Hitler."
"Oh, yeah?" I replied. "So, how come none of them
agree with me on everything?"
"Chaim," they kvetched, "think of all the people
he's killing."
"They're all exactly the same," I told them. "It's
just that this one is the same to the Nth degree."
"But Chaim," they said, "that's a big difference."
"No, it isn't," I explained. "They're all exactly
the same, except that Hitler is the same in the extreme, which will
bring the Americans into the war and destroy him. The others
might not cause the destruction of Germany. So they are identical
to Hitler, except worse, because they aren't as bad. See?"
That
always shut them up.
And I was right, wasn't I? The new Germany is
better, and it only cost my life, the lives of my entire family, and a
few million more. And maybe some tens of millions of other
casualties. But it would have been worse if we'd kicked Hitler
out prematurely. Italy dumped Mussolini too early, and look what
happened to them.
Oh. Soji wants me to tell you that he was
almost the only person in Hiroshima who didn't want to dump the Tojo
crowd of militarists. Why? Same reason: all those
guys were the same. If Tojo and his gang had been deposed, Japan
might have made a more favorable peace with the United States and
preserved the zaibatsu - that is, the huge corporations - and their
militaristic cohorts. Now,
see how well Japan is doing. And you can barely find any mammoth
corporations there at all! So what if Soji and his whole city
went up in vapor? Or Nagasaki, as well?
But I haven't even mentioned the best outcome of
all. Hanging with those homicidal maniacs brought forth the
United States of America as the world's only true superpower and put
them in possession of the most destructive arsenal ever assembled by
human beings. Now, if that isn't something to be proud of, I
don't know what is.
And I whole-heartedly support George
W. Bush for another term as President because after another four years,
everyone will recognize what a nimnul he is and will elect a true
progressive in elections that will surely not be "suspended" and are
bound to be perfectly fair because, gosh darn, this is America and no
one would dare jack with the electoral process. Or, if you don't
actually believe that, then
the Bush cabal will surely destroy itself with military adventures in
Iran, Syria, and North Korea, if they get that far. Then they
will step aside, meekly confessing the error of their ways. There
will be no lying, no stonewalling, no martial law, no
imprisonment/torture/murder of dissenters, and certainly no nuclear attacks on any nation that
might be making fools of us in battle. It's a great plan.