copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
Jethro had a preference for pigs. It
wasn't just that he liked there swinely grace or the noble turn of
their snouts or even their above average intelligence. Jethro loved pork, and not only for
breakfast. He liked to get down in the mud with it.
Jethro had one girl friend, a sow named Hussy, who
was a special favorite for a couple of years. But, as these
things go, Jethro and Hussy had a falling out, and Jethro decided it
was time to slaughter his paramour. There was just one
problem. Hussy wasn't Jethro's property. He had to persuade
the farmer who owned her that slaughtering this pig was the right thing
to do. And the farmer was having none of it.
"Jethro," said the farmer, "I'm not killing my best
breeding sow on your say-so. Even though the last couple of
farrows have been just plain butt-ugly."
Then the tornado tore through. It dinged the
farm and nearly demolished the neighboring trailer park.
"Now are
you ready to slaughter that pig?" roared Jethro.
"I don't follow you," replied the farmer.
"The pig caused the tornado," claimed Jethro. "Well
known fact that pigs can do that."
"Gosh, that makes sense," said the folks from the
trailer park. "The tornado came right from the direction where the pig
was. Now, that can't be coincidence. And what are the odds
that it would hit our trailer park?"
The farmer wasn't sure about that, so he consulted
all the farm hands. They may not have known much about
meteorology, but they sure knew a lot about pigs.
"Jethro," said the farmer, "there's no way on God's
green earth that that pig caused that tornado."
"Oh, did I say tornado? Well, that's not
important," said Jethro. "You have to slaughter the pig because it's
planning to infect all of us with deadly
swine flu!"
"Oh, dear!" fretted the farmer. "That is awfully terrifying."
So the farmer slaughtered Hussy the pig.
Afterward, he had the vet do an autopsy and check for swine flu.
The vet didn't find a thing.
"You know," mused the farmer, "I think I should have
a word with young Jethro."
But Jethro was nowhere to be found. The farmer
looked everywhere. Finally, he spotted what looked like an extra
pig in the sty. Sure enough, it was Jethro. He was
cavorting in the mud with the farmer's other sows, Sadie, Gypsy, and
Packie.
"Hey, Jethro!" called the farmer. "The vet couldn't
find a trace of swine flu on Hussy!"
"Oh, did I say swine flu?" asked Jethro innocently.
"Well, that's not important. The important point is that Hussy
was a filthy pig, and we're all better off without her."
"You know, Jethro," said the farmer, "I might find
you more credible if you hadn't said that while you were rolling in the
mud with my pigs."