Lying Down with Pigs
copyright © 2004 by Robert L. Blau

    Jethro had a preference for pigs.  It wasn't just that he liked there swinely grace or the noble turn of their snouts or even their above average intelligence.  Jethro loved pork, and not only for breakfast.  He liked to get down in the mud with it.
    Jethro had one girl friend, a sow named Hussy, who was a special favorite for a couple of years.  But, as these things go, Jethro and Hussy had a falling out, and Jethro decided it was time to slaughter his paramour.  There was just one problem.  Hussy wasn't Jethro's property.  He had to persuade the farmer who owned her that slaughtering this pig was the right thing to do.  And the farmer was having none of it.
    "Jethro," said the farmer, "I'm not killing my best breeding sow on your say-so.  Even though the last couple of farrows have been just plain butt-ugly."
    Then the tornado tore through.  It dinged the farm and nearly demolished the neighboring trailer park.
    "Now are you ready to slaughter that pig?" roared Jethro.
    "I don't follow you," replied the farmer.
    "The pig caused the tornado," claimed Jethro. "Well known fact that pigs can do that."
    "Gosh, that makes sense," said the folks from the trailer park. "The tornado came right from the direction where the pig was.  Now, that can't be coincidence.  And what are the odds that it would hit our trailer park?"
    The farmer wasn't sure about that, so he consulted all the farm hands.  They may not have known much about meteorology, but they sure knew a lot about pigs.
    "Jethro," said the farmer, "there's no way on God's green earth that that pig caused that tornado."
    "Oh, did I say tornado?  Well, that's not important," said Jethro. "You have to slaughter the pig because it's planning to infect all of us with deadly swine flu!"
    "Oh, dear!" fretted the farmer. "That is awfully terrifying."
    So the farmer slaughtered Hussy the pig.  Afterward, he had the vet do an autopsy and check for swine flu.  The vet didn't find a thing.
    "You know," mused the farmer, "I think I should have a word with young Jethro."
    But Jethro was nowhere to be found.  The farmer looked everywhere.  Finally, he spotted what looked like an extra pig in the sty.  Sure enough, it was Jethro.  He was cavorting in the mud with the farmer's other sows, Sadie, Gypsy, and Packie.
    "Hey, Jethro!" called the farmer. "The vet couldn't find a trace of swine flu on Hussy!"
    "Oh, did I say swine flu?" asked Jethro innocently. "Well, that's not important.  The important point is that Hussy was a filthy pig, and we're all better off without her."
    "You know, Jethro," said the farmer, "I might find you more credible if you hadn't said that while you were rolling in the mud with my pigs."