September 21, 2004 - The United States was spared another cataclysmic terrorist attack today, thanks to quick action by the FBI.  Unable to locate Osama bin Laden after more than three years, US security apparatchiks were able to redeem themselves by bagging Yusuf Islam, formerly known by the alias of "Cat Stevens." 
    In a profound vindication of the new Advanced Passenger Information System, Islam was located on Flight 919 to Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC.  He was carrying a CD with such terrorist hits as "Peace Train."  The lyrics to this subversive song are classified, but the Department of Homeland Security has allowed a partial release of the lyrics, in order to demonstrate what an evil terrorist Islam really is:

       Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
        Oh peace train take this country, come take me home again

Note the admission that the "peace train" rides "on the edge of [terrorist] darkness" and the call to overthrow the government of the United States (i.e., "peace train take this country").  This is a dangerous man.
    "Nabbing this guy is huge," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "After all, he's an apostate.  The born rag heads are bad enough, but this guy was born Christian and chose Islam.  Eeuuuuw!"
    The Attorney General also noted that Stevens/Islam has been sending messages to terrorist for years through his songs.  For example, "Morning has broken" meant "time to bomb the USS Cole," and "I'm being followed by a moon shadow" meant that the CIA was on to him.  "Denim blue fading up to the sky" was the signal to bomb the World Trade Center towers.
    Following the September 11 attacks, Stevens/Islam said, "The Quran equates the murder of one innocent person with the murder of the whole of humanity."  This is understood to have been a pre-emptive criticism of the US war on Iraq.
    The United States can feel safer tonight, knowing that the full force of our security is focused on Cat Stevens.