Water Conservation

copyright © 2005 by Robert L. Blau

"Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President. It is urgent that I speak to you on the matter of water conservation."

"Hmm. Yes. And you would be ... the UN guy, huh?"

"Um, yes, Mr. President. The UN guy. I represent the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change."

"And that's an 'environment' group, right?" The quotation marks were audible.

"Yes, sir. About water conservation, ..."

"The climate isn't changing," said the President.

"Um, I know your ... opinions on that, sir," said the UN rep, "but if we can just restrict this discussion to the impending water crisis, I'm sure we will find a lot of common ground."

"What impending water crisis?" drawled the President.

"Or not," muttered the UN rep. "Sir, you must be aware of the shortages that are cropping up on various parts of the planet. They ..."

"If there were water shortages, I would've heard about them. My very reliable contacts at OWMC inform me that everything is fine."

"The Organization of Water Monopolizing Corporations may not be the most ... unbiased source of information, sir. I need only mention our growing reliance on foreign water ..."

"All taken care of, Sonny," said the President. "I'm working on a plan to import ice from the poles."

"I'm afraid that isn't practical, sir. Uh, yet! Not practical yet! Actually, if we could just agree to stop the thinning of the atmosphere, I believe that would ..."

"I have never huffed carbon dioxide!" snapped the President. "Anyone who says different is a bigger liar than I am!"

"I'm sure that wouldn't be possible, sir," said the UN rep. "No one's accusing you of anything. But the extraction of recreational gases from the atmosphere is taking a terrible toll."

"Gas extraction is an obscenely profitable enterprise, so of course I won't hear any criticism of it."

"But reputable scientists the globe over all agree that the atmosphere is thinning, and that the causes are artificial," insisted the UN rep.

"Poppycock!" spat the President. "Atmospheric thinning is just some left-wing radical fantasy. Lots of reputable scientists have refuted it."

"Actually, they haven't, sir."

"No? Then I'll hire some as soon as I kick you out of here."

"I didn't mean to bring this up," said the UN rep desperately, "but global cooling ..."

"More liberal nonsense!" scoffed the President. "Look, why don't you guys get behind my space exploration initiative? It's a lot more fun, and it will get everyone's minds off stuff that makes me look bad. We're going to explore Zork. That's the next planet in, you know."

"Yes," sighed the UN rep. "The Blue Planet. Could be full of water. High potential for life."

"Well, there can't be any life on it, of course," retorted the President with narrowed eyes. "The Book doesn't say anything about that, so this has to be the only planet with life. But it's going to be a great diversion. I propose to have a klingnap being on Zork in ... oh, two years. What do you think of that?"

 

This is intended to answer in the negative the question of whether there was ever intelligent life on Mars.