Everyone should visit the capital at least once in their life.  I mean, everyone has heard about the great roads, the awesome aqueducts, and the totally cool architecture, but you really have to see it to appreciate it.
    So, there I was, a typical tourist, dodging chariots in the middle of the Appian Way.  Wow!  Well, maybe I wasn't all that typical.  My own humble province had only been conquered some 20 years previous, so I didn't have that long history of servitude.  You might think I'd still be sore about the conquest, but a guy can only carry a grudge so long.  So, as I say, I was just taking in the sights ... when I smelled the smoke.
    My goodness!  That looked like some serious flame just down the street there, and there didn't seem to be much activity.  Of course, there was the usual running around and screaming and dying on the part of the victims, but I didn't see much in the way of ... what you might call fire-fighting.  So I thought I'd better tip off the citizenry as to what was going down.  Or, to be more accurate, up.  I soon spotted a likely Roman citizen.
    "Pardon me, sir," said I. "Did you know that your city is going up in flames?"
    "Oh, hello," said the gentleman, who identified himself as Julius Q. Publius. "You're not from around here, are you?"
    "Uh, me?  No."
    "I can tell by the British accent," said Julius. "It's so cute.  You're lucky you ran into me.  I can show you all the sights."
    "Thank you very much," I said politely, "but there's something more urgent that needs your attention as a Roman citizen.  Rome is on fire."
    "We'll start with the Colosseum ..."
    "No, no!" I insisted. "Fire!  Fire!"
    "Fire?" said Julius. "Oh, that?  Just a little smoke.  Nothing to worry about."
    "How do you figure?" I asked. "Buildings are going up in flames.  Like ... that one over there?  What's that one called?  Aren't you going to call the fire department or something?"
    "That?  Oh, that's just the old Roman Senate building.  About time it went up.  Haven't used it in upwards of a hundred years."
    "But how about all those people?" I persisted. "They're losing their homes and their belongings and ... and dying!"
    "Hmm.  Well, the dead ones won't miss their stuff, will they?"
    "How can you be so blase?" I bleated.
    "Only the stupid people are getting caught in the fire.  They didn't take fire-prevention precautions," said Julius. "You see, it doesn't affect me.  It's all in that other part of town."
    "But look!  It's all over!  It will soon spread to your part of town, unless someone puts it out," I reasoned.
    "No, my house is fireproofed," replied Julius. "It's never going to touch me."
    "I don't think fireproofing is going to help you here ..."
    "Besides, the Emperor says everything is fine.  If you can't trust the Emperor, who can you trust?"
    "And where is Emperor Nero during all this?" I asked.
    "Oh, he's at his ranch taking a well-deserved vacation and practicing his violin."
    And so I bid a hasty farewell to my new friend.  I'm afraid I never did get to the Colosseum.  Maybe next time.