Halliburton Gets Texas Contract
                                                                                       copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

 Special to the Daily Dishrag - At a joint press conference today, Texas Governor Rick Perry and Halliburton spokesman Drace R. Hinchey announced that the state of Texas has contracted all government functions out to Halliburton.
    Prior to his mysterious disappearance, Daily Dishrag reporter Brian Beegle emailed in this exclusive interview with Mr. Hinchey.

Brian Beegle:  Mr. Hinchey, is it true that you are to be project manager of the Texas Project?
Drace Hinchey:  Yes, Brian, that's true.
BB:  How difficult was the competition for this contract?
DH:  Competition?  Oh, you are droll!
BB:  Do you foresee any future business coming from the Texas Project?
DH:  More than I can mention in a short time, Brian.  Just let me say that this gives us the inside track on the national contract.
BB:  They're planning to outsource the US government?
DH:  You didn't hear it from me!  (wink, wink)
BB:  Under this deal, how are you going to handle the traditional "Separation of Powers?"
DH:  Separation of ... ?  I'm sorry, Brian, I don't understand.
BB:  You know, ... executive, legislative, judicial? So no one branch of government gets too much power?
DH:  Ha, ha, ha!  Oh, yes.  That old chestnut.  One thing you have to understand, Brian, is that there is no such thing as "too much" power.
BB:  To change direction slightly, how does the coming of the Texas Project affect the recent redistricting controversy?  Will the legislature's recently approved map go into effect?  What happens if the courts throw that map out?
DH:  Brian, Brian, Brian.  We've entered the 21st Century, and you're still speaking the language of the 19th.  There will be no more geographical districts.  I have assigned each seat to an appropriate corporation to vote in accordance with the wishes of its stockholders.  It's cheaper, more efficient, and more realistic.  When we get the national contract, this solution will be applied nationwide.  After all, who do you think pays for all those representatives?
BB:  The taxpayers?
DH:  Oh, eventually, yes, but they don't write those big checks up front!
BB(sigh):  But who will write the laws?
DH:  Write the ... ?  No one will write the laws.  We have all the laws we need.  Enforcement will be  subcontracted to Saudi Arabia.
BB:  The Sharia?  I thought you would be really big on Christianity.
DH:  Oh, only as it suits us.  Of course, we affirm that Texas is a Christian state, but we believe that a salutary application of the Sharia will be good for business.  Not the part that prohibits usury, of course.  We won't let them enforce that.  Ha, ha!  It's the parts about chopping off body parts we find particularly empowering.
BB:  So, what if Halliburton is caught stealing public funds?  Would you get your hand chopped off?
DH(guffawing):  Oh, you're going to have to stop making me laugh so hard!  You really don't understand this?  Or are you just pulling my leg?  It doesn't matter.  I'll explain anyway.  It is impossible for Halliburton to steal public funds because all funds are ours by definition.  And, of course, the justice system will be two-tiered.  All the beheadings and hand-choppings and so forth are for you, not us.  But this shouldn't surprise you.  That bit isn't very different from the old justice system.
BB(sob):  How about taxes?  How is all this to be financed?
DH:  The people will love this:  there will be no more taxes.  We are adopting a Single Payee System.
BB:  Single ... payee?
DH:  Of course, we will be the payee.  Here's how it works:  all payments of any kind - wages, salaries, tips, bonuses, you name it - will come directly to us.  We will deduct what we want (that's "To us, according to our greed"), and we'll give back whatever we feel like (that's "To you, according to our whim").
BB:  Mr. Hinchey, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but the Texas State Constitution won't allow any of this.
DH:  Texas voters will vote next Tuesday in a special referendum to nullify the state constitution and accept the Halliburton contract.
BB(laughing):  What you apparently don't know, Mr. Hinchey, is that Texas voters will never go for that.
DH(guffawing):  What you apparently don't know, Brian, is that Diebold electronic voting machines have been installed statewide.  The voters won't even need to show up at the polls, if they don't want to.
BB(gulping):  Mr. Hinchey, who are those two large men with scimitars walking this way?  Um, think I'd better transmit this ...