confirmation hearing

Confirmation Hearing

Chair: Mr. Gonzales, you have stated that you know the difference between your obligations as Chief Counsel to the President and the obligations of an Attorney General. Would you clarify your duties as Chief Counsel?

AG: Certainly. First of all, you must know that the primary responsibility of the President of the United States is to deceive "the people." For their own good, of course.

Chair: Of course. Please continue.

AG: Well, our President, uh, well, I love him, you know, but he isn't exactly the shiniest penny in the roll, if you know what I mean. So he needs loyal minions to carry out the benevolent deception. That's where I come in.

Chair: "Benevolent deception." That's good!

AG: See what I mean? He would never come up with euphemisms like "stress position," "sleep management," and "water-boarding" on his own.

Chair: Ok, now how about the responsibilities of an Attorney General?

AG: I know the difference.

Chair: Right. You've said that, but you haven't said what the difference is.

AG: I know the difference.

Chair: Well, never mind. Let's move on. The Chief has nominated you for CT, and the Chief usually gets what he wants. As you know, Tomas de Torquemada is resigning after some 500 years to spend more time on his theology. He's a very religious man, you know.

AG: Um, doesn't he know where he is?

Sen. Pitchfork: Not really. When he saw all his old comrades here, and none of the people he tortured and burned, and when he saw all the torture going on, he just naturally assumed he was in heaven. He will be a very hard man to replace. No one can stoke a fire like ol' Tomas!

Sen. Sharphorn: No, there'll never be another Chief Torturer like him. But to the point: We have a little, uh, sample legal document we'd like you to interpret for us.

Chair: Yes, yes. Here it is: "First Party, being the only existing Superpower, etc., etc., hereby allocates to Second Party such and such a sphere of influence and covenants not to interfere in any way in said sphere of influence." And it goes on, but what is your take on this?

AG: Ha, ha, ha! How quaint. Of course, we wouldn't want to violate the convention, but it simply does not apply to the special circumstances of our situation. In particular, as the only existing Superpower, there are certain extenuating particulars ... I'm sorry. You'll have to give me more detail so that I can explain why the convention doesn't apply.

Chair: That was an excerpt of the Helluva Convention, in which God grants Satan free rein in hell. Mr. Gonzales, I'm afraid we can't confirm you as Chief Torturer. Even we can't trust you. We'll just send you back to the United States to be their Attorney General. And I wish those folks a lot of luck.