The Only Thing

The Lions and the Bears played touch football after school almost every day. Sometimes the Bears won, and sometimes the Lions won. And it was lots of fun. Until the Big Kids showed up.

The Big Kids were ... well, big. And strong. And they looked mean and tough and had names like Biff and Sluggo and Mongo. But their leader was just called "Bill."

"Hey, you guys!" called Bill. "What's the game? We want to play, too!"

"Uh, it's just touch football," said Ricky, who was one of the Bears. "I don't think you'd like it."

"Sure we would," said Bill. "We'll be on these guys's side." He indicated the Lions.

Some of the kids weren't comfortable with the Big Kids joining the game, but they were big, and they did look mean, so no one wanted to say no. And the Lions were thinking about how they could win more games with all those Big Kids on their side.

And so the Big Kids joined the game. Right from the first down, the game changed. The Big Kids played rougher, and sometimes they said they were in bounds when they were out, and sometimes they took five downs instead of four. They always said it was just four downs, but everyone knew it was five. When the Bears protested, the Big Kids called them sissies, and if a Lion had the temerity to point out the error, Bill would fix him with a baleful glare and say severely, "You aren't a loyal Lion! You're either with us or against us. Are you a LINO? A Lion in Name Only?" And the kid with the big mouth might have an accident later in the game.

Not surprisingly, the Lions began to beat the Bears more often than not. But the Bears still won sometimes. For one thing, Ricky was an exceptionally speedy and elusive runner who broke away for long gains with annoying regularity. One day, after Ricky had just left the Big Kids panting after his second long touchdown run of the day, the Big Kids called time out.

"This isn't a fair game," said Bill. "We need to change it."

"What's wrong with it?" asked the little kids.

"We can't catch that little son of a bitch," bitched Bill. "I mean, we aren't winning every game. I mean, this isn't a game for real men! Tackle football is a men's game! In tackle, all we have to do is catch 'im once... How come you always play touch?"

"Because in touch," said one of the little kids, "no one gets hurt bad, and when the game is over, you can still be friends, even if you play on different teams."

"Besides," added Ricky, "it's a rule we all agreed on when we started playing."

"Well, it isn't a real rule," said Bill.

"What do you mean, it isn't a real rule?" objected Ricky. "Of course, it is! We all agreed to it, and we've been playing this way forever, and it's a good rule!"

"But it isn't in the official football rulebook," said Bill. "So all we have to do to change it is to vote on it.It's the democratic way. And I'm sure there aren't any LINOs around here, so we have the majority." He and the other Big Kids looked meaningfully at their Lions teammates.

"But why would you want to change something that's been working so well?" asked Ricky.

"Because winning is the only thing," said Bill.

Not surprisingly, the rule change carried with little opposition.

And the game was never the same again.