copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    The Roach King had called a plenary session of the Roach Council.  There were waving feelers and chitinous exoskeletons as far as the eye could see.  The air was filled with sounds of respectful rustling and raucous cheers.
    "Yee-ha!" shouted the roaches. And "Hooray for His Majesty!"  And "We really kicked some pill bug ass!"
    "Yes, yes," said his majesty benignly. "You do have me to thank for saving roachkind.  That'll teach those pill bugs to manufacture boric acid and those big flat stomping things and other weapons of roach destruction."
    "But, Your Majesty," ventured one roach. "We haven't actually found any of those WRDs..."
    "Throw that one in a toilet!" commanded the king.  Several large roaches dragged the struggling miscreant away.
    "Haven't found any, indeed!" continued the king. "Can I have a report on that mobile boric acid lab we found?  Full of boric acid, wasn't it?"
    A roach in a white lab coat skittered forward.
    "Uh, actually, Your Majesty," he mumbled. "It was ..."
    "What was that?" prompted the king.
    "Fungus, Your Majesty," said the roach scientist. "It was just a bit of fungus.  But it may have had diabolical uses!  We're still testing!"
    "Hmm.  Well," harrumphed the king. "That can only mean one thing.  The pill bugs have passed their WRDs to the june bugs.  We'll get them next."
    The roach scientist sighed in relief and retreated into the crowd.
    "But I haven't called you all here to review our victory over the pill bugs," continued the king. "I wanted to let you in on glories yet to come!"
    There was a general rustling in the crowd.
    "Just look at this!" gushed the king, unable to contain his enthusiasm.  He invited them to swarm over crate after crate of aerosol cans. "What do you think?"
    There was much climbing and swarming, and even some flapping of wings.  Finally, one roach spoke the thought of all.
    "Your Majesty, this is roach spray.  We're, uh, a little nervous around this stuff.  Please enlighten us as to what we're supposed to do with it."
    "Roach spray, yes!" chortled the king. "But usable roach spray!"
    "Usable roach spray?" echoed the roaches skeptically.
    "Yes!" cried the king. "We're going to use it against our enemies!"
    "Um, isn't that what we just decimated the pill bugs for?" ventured one really slow roach. "I mean, not that we actually found any ..."
    "Roll that one over on his back!" barked the king.  The foolhardy roach was soon flailing helplessly at the air.
    "As I was saying," said the king, "this is usable roach spray.  We reduced the amount of poison in it a little.  And we can control the direction of the spray by pointing the thingamabob on top toward the bad guys."
    "And the bad guys would be ... ?" piped one roach.
    "Anyone who isn't on my side, of course," said the king.  "I mean, 'our side.'  June bugs, pill bugs, foreign roaches ..."
    "Roaches?" gasped one of the gathering.
    "Sure," said the king. "Like those hissing buggers from Madagascar.  Dark foreigners.  What do they have to hiss about, anyway?  And, of course, we can also use it on the traitors among us.  Would you give us a demo on the guy who asked the last question?"
    The offending roach was hustled off and thoroughly sprayed.  The hustlers and sprayers also keeled over on their backs.  Several other roaches started coughing.
    "Your Majesty," gasped one of the coughers, "I would nevernevernever dream of questioning anything you say.  I skitter obsequiously in your direction.  But I think that spray got a few unintended ( hack, hack) victims.  I'll bet Your Majesty has a whiz-bang plan for improving that (gaaack)."
    "Hmm," mused the king. "Just a trick of the wind, I imagine.  We'll just call them martyrs to the cause.  Plenty more where they came from."

Don't you wish roaches were REALLY that stupid?