copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
I don't think I was supposed to hear it, but
there you are. I was just strolling on the deck, enjoying the
view, when I overheard the Captain and the 2nd Mate.
"It isn't safe," the 2nd Mate was saying.
"What do you mean, 'not safe?'" replied the Captain.
"I mean 'not safe' as in, 'we're likely to run into
an iceberg and sink,'" said the 2nd Mate.
"Nonsense!" bellowed the Captain. "My reports show
clear ocean all the way."
"Uh, maybe," said the 2nd Mate, "but ... Do you see
those white, pointy things?"
"What
white, pointy things?" asked the Captain.
"Um, straight ahead there. Sticking out of the
blue stuff."
"Hmm?" mumbled the Captain, craning his neck to see.
"Oh, yes. I see."
"Well, those are icebergs," continued the 2nd Mate,
"and there's a lot more under
the, uh, blue stuff than above."
"Full speed ahead!" roared the Captain.
The next day, their were whispers about the 2nd
Mate's loyalty. The day after that, he was tossed in the
brig. And the day after that,
we hit the iceberg.
"Well, who would've thought it?" wondered the
Captain out loud. "No one could possibly have predicted that this would
happen."
"Oh, that's so true," murmured the passengers. "What
bad luck!"
"I just got bad forecasts," said the Captain. "Just
so you know, absolutely nothing is my fault. Nevertheless, I'm
not apologizing for hitting that iceberg. I meant to hit it, and I would do it
again!"
"Uh, why?" asked some of the passengers.
"Because it's an evil thing, praying on honest ships
like it does. Someone had to teach it a lesson!"
"How about all those other icebergs?" someone asked.
"There are an awful lot of them. Are we going to run into all of them?"
"Well, of course not!" fumbled the Captain. "Not all
of them are evil. Some of them are quite good."
"How do we know the difference?" asked an anxious
passenger.
"That's what you have me for," said the Captain
reassuringly. "I'll tell you which ones are evil as we go along."
"There's just one thing," I interjected. "I'm sorry
to even bring it up, but, well, there's this huge, gaping hole in the
hull of this ship. Shouldn't we be getting onto life boats?"
"No need to panic," oozed the Captain. "Everything
is just peachy keen. It's too bad about the hole, but the crew
are fixing it. No problem whatsoever."
"Um, when you say 'crew,'" I replied shamelessly,
"do you mean those guys floating away over there?"
"Huh?" The Captain glanced over the side of
the ship. "Oh, it's a shame about those guys, but it was a
necessary sacrifice for the safety of all the passengers."
"I'm sorry," I went on, "but it doesn't look any safer to me. I don't think that hole
can be repaired."
"You
don't support the crew!" said
the 1st Mate.
The other passengers looked at me, eyes
narrowed in suspicion.
"Are you saying the crew members who died, died for
nothing?" asked one.
"I'm afraid so," I blundered on. "I think we should
have hit the life boats immediately. We've wasted time and lives,
but we can still save most of the rest of us, if we act now."
"That's ... mutinous
talk," snarled the 1st Mate.
"But this ship is definitely going down!" I insisted
obliviously.
"Nonsense!" cooed the Captain. "That guy is just a
gloomy Gus, not an optimist like me! Everything will be fine, if
we stay the course. This is your strong and benevolent leader
making you feel safer!"
"But folks," I pleaded one last time, "just look at
the great, big hole in the ship! It is most definitely going
down, and we are going with it, unless we do something fast. The
Captain and his Mate are just spooning you delusions. Can't you
see that?"
"But we like
the delusions," said the other passenger. "In the Captain's delusions,
everything is fine, and we don't have to do anything. In your
reality, there's a lot of work and danger, and we probably die,
anyway. It's really a no brainer. But you're right about
one thing. There is something we have to do."
And that's when they threw me overboard. Maybe
they'll have a different opinion when we meet again on the other
side. But I doubt it.