sins of cbs

The Sins of CBS

Special to the Daily Dishrag - In the wake of the controversy regarding the allegedly bogus George Bush National Guard documents, the Daily Dishrag's own Brian Beegle obtained an exclusive interview with Constitutional and media legal expert Professor Alastair Inksteighn-Retch.

BB: Professor Inksteighn-Retch, what is your opinion of CBS's actions with regard to the apparently forged Bush documents?

AIR: CBS is in deep doo-doo, Brian. They made a really major, rookie error. No one could possibly feel sorry for them.

BB: And what would that error be, sir?

AIR: They trafficked in documents that might possibly be genuine.

BB: Um, I don't follow you, Professor. First of all, I thought those documents were forgeries.

AIR: Probably, they are. But notice that no expert has said so for a certainty.

BB: I see. Uh, no, I don't. I'm getting lost.

AIR: Ah, but you see, what CBS should have done was to make up something out of thin air. Say, they claimed to have found a webcast from 1968 that ...

BB: There were no webcasts in 1968.

AIR: Precisely. You're beginning to get it, no?

BB: I'm beginning to get it, no.

AIR: You know, Brian, you're a little bit slow.

BB: I've been told that before, sir.

AIR: Ok, here's the point: Lying is protected free speech. A Florida appeals court made that ruling. It was on February 14, 2003. Check it out. Lying by a major media organization is Constitutionally protected free speech. The organization in question was ...

BB: Fox Television.

AIR: Ah, you're getting better. How did you know that?

BB: Lucky guess. But there is another issue in this tainted documents controversy, Professor. CBS gave the Kerry campaign the telephone number of the guy who gave them the documents. What is your take on that?

AIR: Terrible partisan shenanigan, that! If a news agency has a favorite party, what it should do is install a president who used to be a key political operative for that party, then load the staff with ideologues who espouse that party's political agenda. None of this penny-ante crap!

BB: But what about fairness and objectivity?

AIR: Oh, you can put that in your motto, if you like.

BB: Ah. I just have a couple more questions for you, Professor Inksteighn-Retch. I notice that it took ... oh, a week, was it? ... to ascertain the source of the bogus Bush documents. Have you had any word of the source of the story that "outed" Valerie Plame as a CIA agent? That happened over a year ago. I recall that President Bush said he was as interested as anyone in getting to the bottom of that felony.

AIR: Valerie who?

BB: I see. One more thing, Professor. CBS has just been fined more than half a million dollars for allowing partial exposure of Janet Jackson's breast at last year's Super Bowl. Does that seem fair to you, considering, for example, that you can see more skin in the Sports Illustrated "swimsuit" issue, or that every network is glutted with "reality" shows like "Trading Spouses," "Are You Hot?" and "Love" this and "Love" that?

AIR: Eeuuuuw! The female breast is a vile, evil vessel of putrescence! And I'll never forgive you for having made me say ... it. The "B" word. But reality shows are cool.

BB: You're drooling, Professor.

AIR: Half a mill is too little for them! They have defiled the pure, all-American rites of football, where we cheer for the good macho young men to pulverize the bad macho young men! What could be more sacred?

BB: What, indeed.