copyright © 2004
by Robert L. Blau
In the olden days, the city of Athens paid to
King Minos of Crete an annual tribute of fourteen youths, seven male
and seven female. The destination of these youths was the dinner
table of one of the great monsters of myth, the Minotaur. Some
Athenians were a trifle upset about that.
There were two political parties in Athens vying for
power via an elective process. The first was the Obscenely
Wealthy Party, or OWP. The other was the Merely Wealthy Party, or
MWP. The Obscenely Wealthy Party usually won because, well, it
was obscenely wealthy. However, with the discontent generated by
the tribute in young people, the MWP smelled an election issue that
could be used to their advantage.
The MWP met in closed session to decide what their
strategy should be. The leader of the MWP was a rising political
star named Theseus.
"The floor is open to suggestions about how to
approach this traffic in flesh," began Theseus.
"I say we come out against it," suggested Perseus.
"Just don't send any more of our youth to be breakfast for the
Minotaur."
"That's pretty radical," countered Dionysius.
"How would we do that without pissing off King Minos and starting a
war? I say we demand negotiations to reduce the
number of youths we send."
Theseus thought for a moment. "I've got a
plan," he said. "The problem is that we're only sending kids from poor
families. Let's pass a law that says everybody has to send kids to feed
the Minotaur."
"Um, I'm not sure I see how that's an improvement,"
said Dionysius.
"But, look," said Theseus, "it's fair. The current system
discriminates against the poor."
"But aren't we ... kind of against the whole thing?" asked
Perseus.
"Yes! Yes, we are!" cried Theseus
enthusiastically. "That's the beauty of this! If everyone has to sacrifice their
kids, they'll get mad and ... do
something about it."
"Uh, what?"
asked Perseus.
"Why, elect us,
of course," explained Theseus.
And so the Democratization of Minotaur Fodder, or
DMF, bill was drafted and passed into law. The OWP gave
enthusiastic support, but remained demurely in the background.
The new law was so successful that the Athenian government found that
it could triple its tribute. The Minotaur cabled thanks.
"So," said Theseus following the passage of the
bill, "how many rich kids are in this year's Minotaur consignment?"
"None," replied Dionysius.
"None?" gasped Theseus. "Why none?"
"Various reasons," said Dionysius. "Doctors' excuses
were pretty big. 'Pericles cannot participate in this year's
tribute due to a bad case of flu. He wouldn't enjoy it, and we
can't be giving the Minotaur the flu, now can we?' That sort of
thing. Some of the rich parents bought poor kids to take their
own kids' places. You know, the usual stuff."
"But have we at least unleashed the righteous
outrage of the masses?" asked Theseus.
"Oh, that we have," said Perseus. "We've basically
increased the population of people who aren't rich enough to get out of
it, and they really are
steamed."
In the next election, the OWP whomped the MWP by
more than the usual margin.
"I don't understand it," sighed Theseus. "Where did
we go wrong?"
"It was the Democratization of Minotaur Fodder law,"
said Perseus.
"How so?" asked Theseus. "It was so fair."
"It just spread the misery to more people," said
Dionysius. "And the rich people still
slithered out of it."
"But the OWP supported it, too!" Theseus objected.
"Yeah, but all they had to say was that it was an
MWP initiative," Dionysius pointed out. "Which it was."
"Well, I don't get it," said Theseus. "You can't get
any fairer than the DMF. What was I supposed to do, kill the Minotaur?"