The True Story of Theseus and the Minotaur
copyright © 2004 by Robert L. Blau

    In the olden days, the city of Athens paid to King Minos of Crete an annual tribute of fourteen youths, seven male and seven female.  The destination of these youths was the dinner table of one of the great monsters of myth, the Minotaur.  Some Athenians were a trifle upset about that.
    There were two political parties in Athens vying for power via an elective process.  The first was the Obscenely Wealthy Party, or OWP.  The other was the Merely Wealthy Party, or MWP.  The Obscenely Wealthy Party usually won because, well, it was obscenely wealthy.  However, with the discontent generated by the tribute in young people, the MWP smelled an election issue that could be used to their advantage.
    The MWP met in closed session to decide what their strategy should be.  The leader of the MWP was a rising political star named Theseus.
    "The floor is open to suggestions about how to approach this traffic in flesh," began Theseus.
    "I say we come out against it," suggested Perseus. "Just don't send any more of our youth to be breakfast for the Minotaur."
    "That's pretty radical," countered Dionysius.  "How would we do that without pissing off King Minos and starting a war? 
I say we demand negotiations to reduce the number of youths we send."
    Theseus thought for a moment.  "I've got a plan," he said. "The problem is that we're only sending kids from poor families.  Let's pass a law that says everybody has to send kids to feed the Minotaur."
    "Um, I'm not sure I see how that's an improvement," said Dionysius.
    "But, look," said Theseus, "it's fair.  The current system discriminates against the poor."
    "But aren't we ... kind of against the whole thing?" asked Perseus.
    "Yes!  Yes, we are!" cried Theseus enthusiastically. "That's the beauty of this!  If everyone has to sacrifice their kids, they'll get mad and ... do something about it."
    "Uh, what?" asked Perseus.
    "Why, elect us, of course," explained Theseus.

    And so the Democratization of Minotaur Fodder, or DMF, bill was drafted and passed into law.  The OWP gave enthusiastic support, but remained demurely in the background.  The new law was so successful that the Athenian government found that it could triple its tribute.  The Minotaur cabled thanks.
    "So," said Theseus following the passage of the bill, "how many rich kids are in this year's Minotaur consignment?"
    "None," replied Dionysius.
    "None?" gasped Theseus. "Why none?"
    "Various reasons," said Dionysius. "Doctors' excuses were pretty big.  'Pericles cannot participate in this year's tribute due to a bad case of flu.  He wouldn't enjoy it, and we can't be giving the Minotaur the flu, now can we?'  That sort of thing.  Some of the rich parents bought poor kids to take their own kids' places.  You know, the usual stuff."
    "But have we at least unleashed the righteous outrage of the masses?" asked Theseus.
    "Oh, that we have," said Perseus. "We've basically increased the population of people who aren't rich enough to get out of it, and they really are steamed."

    In the next election, the OWP whomped the MWP by more than the usual margin.
    "I don't understand it," sighed Theseus. "Where did we go wrong?"
    "It was the Democratization of Minotaur Fodder law," said Perseus.
    "How so?" asked Theseus. "It was so fair."
    "It just spread the misery to more people," said Dionysius. "And the rich people still slithered out of it."
    "But the OWP supported it, too!" Theseus objected.
    "Yeah, but all they had to say was that it was an MWP initiative," Dionysius pointed out. "Which it was."
    "Well, I don't get it," said Theseus. "You can't get any fairer than the DMF.  What was I supposed to do, kill the Minotaur?"