A Plague of Rats
                                                                                       copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    The town of Ashweip was plagued by rats.  They got into every building, every room, every locked and guarded space. They crawled through the plumbing, climbed inside the walls, and danced in the living rooms.  Everyone agreed that something had to be done.
    At length, Mayor Brainray called a meeting of the city council to deal with the rat situation.
    "We must do something about the, uh, four-legged vermin," said the mayor.
    "You mean the rats?" asked Ms. Picklepaugh, who was the Chief of Rodent Control.
    The mayor winced.  "The four-legged vermin," he repeated. "FLVs.  We don't say the R word."
    "Well," said Ms. Picklepaugh, "Rodent Control has not been idle.  We have a pilot project going in the Third Ward.  And I must say, we're having  a great deal of success."
    "Really?" asked Mayor Brainray. "Could you tell  us about this pilor project?"
    "Absolutely!" said Ms. Picklepaugh. "We brought in a few cats, and the r- I mean, FLV infestation dropped significantly within days.  In fact, after only one week ..."
    "Cats, did you say?" interrupted the mayor.
    "Uh,  yes," said Ms. Picklepaugh. "Didn't I pronounce it clearly?"
    "No cats!" barked the mayor. "Cats are evil creatures!  The familiars of witches!"
    "Actually, they're just furry little creatures that kill r-  rodents," said Ms. Picklepaugh. "That's what they do.  They're very good at it."
    "Evil!" repeated Mayor Brainray. "There's only one way to get rid of FLVs!  That's to play flutes and lead them away."
    Several of the council nodded their heads in agreement.
    "Flutes?" gasped Ms. Picklepaugh incredulously. "Flutes?  That's absurd!"
    "Is it?" snapped the mayor, "Well, that's what all the wise people say.  Or at least, I read it somewhere.  Ok.  I'm appointing a committee to investigate this 'pilot project.'  Jones, you're the committee chairman.  I want you to investigate and write me a report saying that the project is a dismal failure and cats are evil and we need to lead the FLVs out of town by playing the flute.  Now, get on it!"

    Weeks passed, during which the plague of rats went from horrible to catastrophic.  Everywhere, that is, except in the Third Ward.  Then Mr. Jones appeared before the city council to give his report.
    "Mr. Mayor, esteemed fellow council members," began Mr. Jones, "My committee and I have just completed our investigation of the Rodent Control pilot project in the Third Ward.  These are out findings."
    Mr. Jones paused and coughed nervously, then continued.
    "Um, it's really working extraordinarily well, Mr. Mayor.  We couldn't find a single FLV ..."
    "Wrong!"screeched the mayor. "Wrong answer!  I'm appointing a new committee to come up with the right answer!"
    "Look," said Ms. Picklepaugh, "why not just admit that cats work?  You hand pick people to come up with a particular answer, which you give them beforehand, and even they can see that cats kill rats."
    Mayor Brainray turned to face Ms. Picklepaugh.  "Cats are evil," he said slowly. "Witches' familiars.  You seem pretty fond of cats. I think we need to do a witch test on you.  Shall we try burning or drowning?"
    "But on second thought," said Ms. Picklepaugh, "I share your enthusiam for the piping solution.  Oh, yes.  Let's all get out our flutes and get those, uh, FLVs out of here, huh?"

    Historical note:  The town of Ashweip was recently excavated from beneath a 400-foot-thick layer of petrified rat poop.