Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir

Thank heavens for Professor Peabody. Without him, there's no telling what trouble I'd be in.

It all started with a trip to my old doctor.

"You're 20 pounds over weight, and your blood pressure is borderline," said the doctor. "If you don't lose some weight, I'm going to have to put you on blood pressure medication. In the meantime, I'm going to recommend a diet and an exercise program for you."

Well, that sounded scary and difficult. Then I met Professor Lionel Q. Peabody.

"Have I got a cure for you," said Professor Peabody. "Just take my Magic Elixir twice a day, and it will fix your rheumatism right up!"

"But I have obesity and high blood pressure, Professor," I said.

"... fix your obesity and high blood pressure right up!" corrected the Professor without missing a beat. He is a little absent minded. You know how those professors are.

I immediately went home to tell my wife the good news. She did not seem thrilled.

"Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir sounds like a quack remedy designed to separate you from your money," she said disloyally.

"I'm sure that's not true," I replied. "A professor wouldn't lie. But I'll run it by him, anyway."

Professor Peabody categorically denied that his Magic Elixir was anything but true blue.

"Why, it will have you sleeping like a baby in no time!" he promised.

"Um, obesity and high blood pressure," I reminded him.

"... fix your obesity and high blood pressure right up!" he said.

About a month later, I went to visit my mother.

"You don't seem to have lost any weight," said Mom. "What diet are you on?"

"Oh, no diet," I explained. "I'm taking Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir. It's doing wonders!"

"Is your blood pressure down?" she asked.

"Not yet," I admitted. "But these things take time."

"Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir sounds like a quack remedy designed to separate you from your money," said Mom.

My own mother! Who can a guy trust?

A couple of months later, my friend Joe was visiting me in the hospital, where I was recovering from my first stroke.

"Gosh, didn't your doctor even put you on blood pressure meds?" Joe asked.

"No blood pressure meds," I replied. "I have something better: Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir."

"Gee," said Joe, "Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir sounds like a quack remedy designed to separate you from your money."

"Are you with me, or against me?" I asked.

"With you, of course," he said, "but that stuff obviously doesn't, uh, hasn't worked for you. Don't you think you ought to try something else?"

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't," I told him. "I'm committed now, so I have to see it through."

And my wife was there, too.

"Listen," she said, "everything your old doctor told you was true, and everything this Peabody character ... "

"Doctor Peabody character," I corrected.

"... has told you was a lie," she continued. "Now, doesn't that tell you something?"

"Maybe," I said. "But I don't trust that doctor with my health."

Well, I guess this must have been my second stroke, because I'm pretty much limited to blinking once for "yes" and twice for "no." Joe's visiting again. He's waving some foreign newspaper in front of my face.

"Look at this," he says. "This is from a letter sent by Professor Lionel Q. Peabody to potential investors in his 'Magic Elixir.' It says,

Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir is a quack remedy designed to separate people from their money.

Lionel Q. Peabody

"Now, what do you think of that?"

Sheesh. That old charge was denied ages ago. I tell ya, some people just can't let go of old news. Anyway, it was in some foreign newspaper. What does that have to do with me?