The Acquittal of Jack  Jack was arraigned in superior court on charges of grand theft chicken, giantslaughter, and destruction of a perfectly good beanstalk. Charges were brought by one Mrs. Giant and all the little giants.
The Adjustable Constitution  There has been, of late, a lot of controversy and mucking about in court over "Constitutional rights," what they are, and when they apply. And no wonder. A more out-dated, obsolete, medieval document, it is impossible to imagine. Fortunately, I have some modest proposals for rectifying the situation, and I use the term "rectifying" advisedly.
Alternate Approach  "So how did the audit turn out, Michael?"
And God Created Football  So God and Gabriel were chatting one day by the ineffable throne. The subject was education.
Anyone Watching the Eggs?  The snakes were having a meeting about chicken eggs.
Aphids  "What I want to know, is what we get out of this ... relationship!"
Appeal  This is my appeal to the Board of Education. I am a scholar, not a political rabble-rouser, and I believe my record bears this out. I here reiterate that what I question is the divine provenance of the US Constitution. I know this is a controversial position, but I cannot emphasize enough that I have never, ever suggested, as my detractors claim, that the Declaration of Independence was not written by Jesus Christ.
Ass Warfare  They developed on one of those planets, twenty-some light years from earth. Maybe it was the "Goldilocks Planet." Or maybe the "Three Bears Planet."
Assigning Blame  They wanted this to happen, you know. That's why they've been hounding me all these years with their bad advice. To make it happen. My doctor is the worst.
Bad Cop, Worse Cop  There were two of them. They whisked me off the sidewalk and into a tiny room that looked like it came out of a gothic horror flick. The only illumination was a single, unshaded light bulb. Not even fluorescent.
Bad Crack  Gonna get Black Pete. Sumbitch sold me bad crack. Put me in the hospital for a week. Well, I'm not standing for that.
Bientot, le Deluge  Aaaand now for today's news. At the top of the news, more war and economic collapse. But enough of that. We have a juicy sex scandal involving rich actors. Shame on them. These things get way too much attention, don't you think, Katie?
The Birth of Bipedalism  We were just hanging out in the upper branches, talking politics. There was me and Ufu and Kufu and Mufu and Dufu. The usual bunch. And the hot topic was the new President and his Bipedalism plan.
The Blunt Instrument  Glok invented it. He knew what to call it, and he knew what to do with it. He called it the "Blunt Instrument," and he hit people over the head with it. And that worked very well for Glok, because people either became very friendly or stopped bothering him.
The Cholesterol Factory  The heart attack opened my eyes. Arteries, no. Eyes, yes. I had been a devotee of The Cholesterol Factory all my life. My parents ate there. My grandparents ate there. My wife ate there. I would never have married a woman who didn't like The Cholesterol Factory, and any child of mine who didn't ... well, was no child of mine. Then came the heart attack.
Controversial Athletic Wear  By now, everyone will be aware that a certain world-class athlete has created shock among at a major international athletic event. I do not wish to offend right-thinking people by being too explicit, but I will say that the athlete's scandalous behavior involved apparel.
Dead Myron  Myron was almost gone when I stumbled on him. Now, by that, I don't mean that he was almost dead. Dead, he already was. Most assuredly. I mean that he was pretty nearly picked clean.
Debunking the Dragon Myth  Once upon a time, there was a prosperous city, with many well-fed citizens, and a hungry dragon. As so often happens in stories like these, the two intersected in a way that was more beneficial to one party than to the other.
Dinosaur Extinction Reason Confirmed  Many theories have been advanced to explain the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction that fossil-fueled the dinosaurs. These include vulcanism, single and multiple asteroid strikes, and poor dental hygiene. Now, however, a comprehensive, multinational study has authoritatively confirmed the cause of this mass extinction. As expected, it was socialism.
Discretionary Claus  It was Christmas morning, and Billy and Katie were eagerly opening their presents, when up on the roof there arose such a clatter, that ... they wondered what on earth was going on. The clatter was followed by scraping sounds in the chimney. The scraping sounds, in turn, were followed by a pair of dangling feet, which eventually alighted in the fireplace, complete with accompanying body.
A Disparity in Fundraising "This is what I don't understand," I moaned. "Everyone knows they're a bunch of greedy, soulless bloodsuckers. We are more popular. We are more numerous. How come they always have the bursting coffers, while we come up dry?"
Elect Roaches  Rollo was feeding his roaches when I approached.
Fiddling While Rome Burns  See that charred ruin over there? No? No ruin, you say. Just char. Fair enough. It was a hell of a conflagration. But there used to be a world-class city on that site. "Rome," it was called. And I used to live there when I was little more than a lad. That's history you're looking at, that is. Even if there's nothing to see.
Fido  Once upon a time there was a dog named Fido. Fido is a good name for a dog. It means "faithful." When Fido's master discovered that Fido was anything but faithful, he realized that "Fido" was ... really the perfect name for the dog because everything should have a name that is the exact opposite of what it is.
Fiscal Conservatism in Saxetia  Saxetia, the prominent satrapy of the United Satrapies of Delusia, was noted for its sound and thriving economy in an often precarious and teetering spendthrift nation. In fact, a Saxetian satrap even ascended to the monarchy when the good people of Delusia had had enough of their government's wasteful ways.
God's Judgment on Haiti  This is a Godcast to all men and women of the earth. There has been a lot of debate recently over the significance of the earthquake in Haiti, and I have heard my name taken both in vain and in humble. Or should that be "in efficacy?" Never mind. I intend to clear this matter up heap pronto!
A Government Takeover of Time  I must protest in the strongest possible terms the latest power grab by the Federal government. If you are one of those who complacently believes that healthcare deform is the greatest threat to our Democracy, I must assure you that something much worse is afoot. I refer to nothing less than the incipient goverment takeover of time. This is Socialism writ large indeed.
Grassroots Rebellion  The Leaders think they can manipulate us, and I can't deny that recent history seems to bear them out. But here's the secret that even they don't know: the masses, once aroused, cannot be denied. Our anger is is an unstoppable tidal wave, carrying all before it, drowning any that would stand in its way. Of course, channeling it can be a bit tricky. But I know a bit about that.
The Great, Big Gang Suck  Today, I am interviewing Mr. Vlad Drakul of the Chamber of Vampires on the subject of the massive global outbreak of vampirism, which has become known as "the Great, Big Gang Suck." Mr. Drakul?
Grim Budget Tales: Cinderella  Cinderella, as you probably know, lived with her Wicked Steps, mother and sisters, and did all the unpleasant jobs: cleaning the chimney, scouring the latrines, stripping the floorboards, and so on. So it is hardly any surprise that she eagerly awaited the arrival of her Fairy Godmother to extricate her from that mess and get her into the Big Ball at the palace, where she could hope to bag the Handsome Prince and live happily ever after. But in this, she was ... somewhat disappointed.
I am a JADi  Look, I don't know how I got here, and I certainly don't belong here. But the waterboarding was completely uncalled for, in my opinion. That was hurtful.
I Respectfully Disagree  They've been complaining about the elephants for years. What kind of circus, goes the argument, has no elephants? A good, clean one, I say. Ours, I say.
Immigration Debate  "Send 'em back where they came from! That's what I say!"
In DDS  At first, we didn't know what it was. Hikers, travelers, explorers found it in the mountains. And what seized the attention, apart from its pungent odor, was the lush growth of vegetation that surrounded it. Which is what prompted someone to scoop some up, take it home, and spread it in the garden.
Infernal Warming  It's as hot as ... Well, it's as hot as here. And some of my friends don't think that's natural. Now, I'm not a believer in that "climate change" stuff, but I have to admit it is awfully hot. So I let myself get talked into writing a letter to my Senator. I figure he could clear this up once and for all, if anybody could.
Insults to the United States  It seems I have this English cousin ... distant English cousin. She turned up by email a few months ago, digging up roots, or whatever they call it these days.
Invasive Species  The Forest Council agreed that invasive species were a threat to the Forest. Obviously, they had to go. And torching their fuzzy/leafy butts was the way to go.
A Jar for Pandora  "Pandora, I really wouldn't open that jar. It'll be nothing but trouble."
Knowing the Drill  Everyone knows that drilling floats the fleet. Everyone except Mutineers, that is. And no one wanted to be a Mutineer. So when the Captain and Crew aggressively perforated the Ship's hull, there was very little opposition. Some of the bailers, maybe, grumbled a little.
Least Favored Citizen Amendment  There is a simple solution to the "ground-zero-mosque" brouhaha. As several alert and patriotic citizens have pointed out, Saudi Arabia, our great and loyal ally, does not allow the construction of Christian churches, so why should we allow the construction of mosques?
Legacy  "What do you want your legacy to be?"
Letting the Cat Out of the Bag  Everyone knows the iconic scam that gave rise to not one, but two classic cliches. The scammer offers to sell the scammee something wriggling in a sack. The scammer claims that the wriggling entity is a pig, but it is, in fact, a cat. If the scammee bites, he has bought a pig in a poke. If, however, someone releases the cat before the deal is closed, that person has let the cat out of the bag! Presto! Two cliches for the price of one! But this story is about pushback, about what happened when the scammee took the scammer to court.
Little Red Riding Hood Outsourced Little Red Riding Hood lived with her mother at the edge of the Dark Forest.  One day Little Red Riding Hood’s mother got an email from her mother, who lived – who would have guessed it? – all the way on the other side of the Dark Forest.  According to the email, Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was seriously ill and in need of immediate goody therapy.
Long Drought  Day 0. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Stormy Wethers with your up-to-the-minute weather. I'm afraid I don't have any good news for you today. The record drought continues. The lake levels continue to drop. The aquifer is dangerously depleted. Mandatory water rationing remains in effect, as well as the burn ban. No relief is in sight. For tomorrow, let's say ... a 20% chance of showers.
Lunch Money  Johnny walked to school every day, and every day, Zeke jumped him, beat the crap out of him, and stole his lunch money. Then Zeke would walk off, laughing and counting his money. This went on for years.
Mainstream  The Akalaka River was not only a palindrome, but a vibrant, thriving ecosystem. It was home to myriad species of riverine life that got along as interdependent species do. Not always, or even usually, as friends, but as partners in a joint enterprise or co-voyagers on the same road. Or river.
New Curriculum  I am so glad the new curriculum got passed. Honestly, the drivel they used to teach these young people. It just makes you sick.
The Ninth Horseman  It isn't just a matter of bad press. The media don't get us at all. We're just eight guys who like to get together once in a while for lunch, polo, and steeplechasing. And we argue a lot. About sports, politics, religion, and the end of the world. The usual stuff.
Not Enough Sense to Get Out of the Rain  The Turkey bestrode the yard like a behemoth, wings spread, neck fully extended, beak aimed skyward, open to the tempest. "Tom," squawked the Chicken. "Get in here before you drown!"
Not to Be Meddled With  Truly, some things, Man was never meant to monkey with, and They certainly fall under that rubric. Yea, such They are that Man wot not what, wot?
On the Debate Team  I was so excited to make my high school debate team. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what! A big debate with our crosstown arch rivals, Bumpus High. And on a hot, contemporary topic, too!
A Plague of Rats  The rats did not descend on Hamelin all at once. They started small and multiplied over a period of decades. At last, they famously ate everything that didn't move and most things that did. Larders were ravaged, crops were savaged, and every imaginable food source was subjected to something that rhymed with "avage." After a particularly rough eight years, the people of Hamelin had had enough. They turned loose the cats.
Prelude to Apocalypse  "So, my son," crowed Satan. "The great day is upon us!"
The Problem with "Scientific Consensus"  They say that there is "consensus" on this issue among the "scientific community." Let's examine that.
Revelation Reloaded  I have this history of seeing things, see? And I know some people don't think that's normal, but I decided to start writing some of that stuff down.
Revolt  So we were all just hanging around, discussing the situation. I should mention that, as long as anyone can remember, there have been two schools of thought on the subject, generally called "Liberal" and "Conservative," and I am of the so-called "Liberal" wing. But now, that appeared to be changing ...
Rights Explained  Just what is a "right?" There is a lot of confusion and misinformation going around on that subject, and it is the source of a great deal of rancor and bad feelings. Unnecessarily, in my opinion. So I am going to clear that up right now.
"RUMINANT" NOT A JOKE  A new word in English.... "RUMINANT" NOT A JOKE
The Salmonella Myth  There is no such thing as salmonella. It's a fraud perpetrated by egg-hating radicals.
SCROTUS  It is well known that institutions, like software, grow quickly obsolete and have to be periodically renewed by massive infusions of your money. One recent such case is the Supreme Court of the United States, which is frequently referred to by its (also obsolete) acronym SCOTUS. Sounds stupid, doesn't it?
Sheep Rules  Ah, this younger generation. Whatcha gonna do with 'em, huh? Take my son Junior. Please! Ha, ha. Always running with his pack and chasing bitches. No sense of responsibility. How's he ever gonna get his own herd? So I figured it was time to have a talk with him.
Snow White and the Forensics Controversy  "Deputation from the Innocent Step Child Project to see you, Your Highness."
So Sharp  I met him in the ICU. He was gushing like a fountain. I was so focused on stopping the bleeding that I almost missed those things on his hands.
SOS  Once upon a time, in an alternate universe not far away, there was a race of beings not entirely unlike humans. These beings were characterized by extraordinarily sensitive olfactory apparatus, and it was their misfortune that their world was simply awash with Bad Smells.
Sowing for the Future  My agricultural consultant just stopped by for a chat. He thinks it's time to plant again, but I'm a bit gun-shy. Understandably, I think.
Tearing Down the House  Kay and Debbie had a bone to pick with Rick.
The Tiger, the Strawberry, and the Fruit Magnate  As he scarfed down the strawberry, the man made a remarkable discovery. It turned out that the source of the strawberry was a robust little bush, and that bush was but one of a series of sturdy bushes, leading to a plateau. And the plateau was inaccessible to the tigers, both upper and lower. If the man just reached out and grabbed the first strawberry bush, he could swing, hand over hand, bush to bush, to safety. So he stretched forth his arm ...
To the Zenth Degree  In the beginning was darkness. But if there was no one there to see, or not see the darkness, was it really dark? On the other hand, if there was no one there, who would have spun the clever koan? So in the beginning there was dark. Then came light. Which cleared a few things up. Particularly after eyes and observers and koan-spinners were added to the mix.
Twa Buzzards  Two buzzards are arguing over a meal.
Wall of Separation  "We want that thing down, and we want it down now!"
Who Do You Trust  "So it seems you're suffering from amoebic dysentery."
Who, Me?  The cell chirps. I look. Omigod! It's a text from Leo!
Workplace Violence Awareness  So, here's my dilemma. My colleague Joe Bob, who used to have the sunniest of dispositions, has grumping about in a deepening depression for several months. Now, I had always assumed that this was a normal progression for our workplace, but then something happened. I took the "Workplace Violence Awareness" course and learned a thing or two.
The Yoga Trap  I'm in a heap of trouble and have no idea how to get out of it. Not even God has any useful suggestions. He told me so himself.