The Acquittal of Jack

Jack was arraigned in superior court on charges of grand theft chicken, giantslaughter, and destruction of a perfectly good beanstalk. Charges were brought by one Mrs. Giant and all the little giants.

For his defense, Jack retained the services of Scheister & Scheister, Fairyland's most prestigious and least ironically named law firm. The prosecutor, a duck, was known as the "DA," which probably stood for "District Attorney," if not something else.

The Prosecution presented an obvious and boring case. Jack broke into the Giant's castle. Jack stole the Giant's stuff, including a lot of gold, a magic hen, and a lippy harp. Jack chopped down the magic beanstalk when the Giant gave pursuit, causing said Giant to fall to his death. Bla, bla, bla. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Mr. Scheister, of Scheister & Scheister, didn't refute any of the boring "factual" stuff. He went straight to the important stuff. The Defense called Mr. Harp.

"Otto," said Mr. Scheister, "is it true that you're afraid of the DA?"

"Oh, yes," said the harp. "I was afraid he was going to steal me."

"Isn't this all about economics, Otto?" asked Mr. Scheister with just the right touch of cynical world-weariness.

"Yes, sir, it is," said the harp.

"Just successful economics," said Mr. Scheister. "Everyone's doing it, so it's all right. Not as successfully as Jack, I admit, but that's why the DA is after him."

"So if everyone is a crook, it's all right to be a crook?" interjected the judge. "Odd legal argument, that."

"I thought you might not like it," admitted Mr. Scheister, "so I've got another one. Jack wasn't really involved in the ... transfer of wealth. In fact, he wasn't even there when any of it happened. It was his mother that did the whole thing."

"Wait a minute," said the judge. "I'm hearing three distinct, contradictory arguments from you. Which one is it? 1. The charges are bogus because this is about economic jealousy, 2. The charges are not bogus, but it's ok because everyone does it, or 3. The charges are valid, but the defendant didn't do it?"

"Yes," said Mr. Scheister.

"Yes ... what?" prompted the judge.

"Yes, it's all about economics and it's all right because everyone does it and my client didn't do it."

"Glad you cleared that up." said the judge.