The Cholesterol Factory

The heart attack opened my eyes. Arteries, no. Eyes, yes. I had been a devotee of The Cholesterol Factory all my life. My parents ate there. My grandparents ate there. My wife ate there. I would never have married a woman who didn't like The Cholesterol Factory, and any child of mine who didn't ... well, was no child of mine. Then came the heart attack.

Sure, I had heard the pussy propaganda about "health food" and "vegetarianism" and "low sodium" and all the other anti-constitutional buzz words. But I never bought into any of it. I stood by the time-honored principles of The Cholesterol Factory: Fat, Salt, Sugar, Meat, and Brown Crunchy Bits! As every right-thinking supporter of a sound constitution should.

So imagine my surprise ... not to mention my pain and inability to breathe. As the immediate shock wore off, and health haltingly returned, I found myself compelled to make a radical re-assessment of my lifestyle and values. As I dug into the events leading up to my coronary, I discovered that The Cholesterol Factory had not been entirely straight with me. Their meat portions were not what they had claimed. Their dosages of fat, salt, and sugar did not add up. There were mysterious anomalies in the brown crunchy bits.

I felt deeply betrayed. And that is why I have renounced The Cholesterol Factory for The Hard Artery Warehouse. The Cholesterol Factory was skimping on the Fat and Sugar and Salt and Meat and Brown Crunchy Bits. The Hard Artery Warehouse is the real thing! When they say they're giving you that stuff, they aren't kidding! And the tea is free, of course.