New Curriculum

I am so glad the new curriculum got passed. Honestly, the drivel they used to teach these young people. It just makes you sick.

And so it is a pleasure to see all those bright, eager faces on the first day.

"Class," I begin, "we are going to begin with some of the lessons passed down to us from our wise predecessors. In particular, I wish to impart to you how they were influenced by a higher power, a power beyond our normal human intelligence."

Already, there is a hand.

"Yes?" I respond. "Uh, ... Johnny, is it?"

"Yes, sir," replies Johnny. "Mr. Berk, what you say is very interesting, but when will we get to the practical stuff? You know, like form and timing?"

I smile indulgently. "All in due time," I assure him. "But basics first. I believe in putting the horse before the cart. Or the nose before the tail." That usually gets some laughs.

There is another hand.

"Um, ... Jenny?" I reply, recognizing the hand.

"Speaking of basics first, Mr. Berk," says Jenny, a mite nervously, "what I really want to know is how to fold the darn things properly. I mean, I don't think there's anything more basic than that."

"Now, Jenny," I say severely. I feel that severity is called for here. "That is not something you need to worry your pretty little head about. We have other people to do that."

"But," blurts Jenny, "if I'm jumping, I want to have confidence in my parachute, and I'll have a lot more confidence if I know that I have folded it. Correctly."

I shake my head. What these kids don't know.

"The truth is," I explain patiently, "the best-folded parachute in the world won't save you, if you have pissed off a gremlin. They hold your fate in their little hands, and the first principle of parachuting is to appease them. This is what our wise forefathers knew. If you take care of the gremlins, they will take care of you."

I'll say it again. Thank God for the new curriculum. It is appalling, the drivel they used to teach these kids.